"I have been doing a deep review during this period:Have we been too self-righteous and forced our own views on our children because we are parents?
Have we always felt that we are right because we are parents? , is it possible that this is wrong? "
This line comes from the hit drama " Come on Mom ".
After many arguments with her son, Su Qing, the mother played by actor Wu Yue, deeply reflected on herself and said this sentence that touched the pain points of many parents.
This pain point exposes a sentence that many parents find difficult to say to their children -
is not "I love you";
is "I was wrong".
"Children always lack education!"
As the daughter of my parents, I was first struck by this line. Empathy . Growing up, every time a conflict occurred, my parents' first reaction was always to go first. Defend yourself and clear yourself: "I'm not wrong, it's you who are wrong."
There is such a thing that impressed me deeply:
Once my mother had a dream, dreaming that I didn't do well in the exam, and she fell asleep After I woke up, I was still angry and scolded me.
I felt very uncomfortable when I was scolded for an illusory dream, but when I argued my case, my mother waved her hand impatiently: "If you study harder and don't have to worry about me at all, I will still do this. Dream? Why didn’t I dream that you were admitted to Tsinghua ? "
The implication is: "I am not worried about you all the time."
At that time, I vaguely felt that what my mother said was wrong. , but my mother has indeed done a lot for me, and since I have no way to refute, I can only remain silent.
But this incident stuck in my heart like a thorn. Whenever I think about it, I still feel a little uncomfortable.
Children who have similar experiences are not a minority in real life, and can even be considered a very common and suffocating problem.
Just a few days ago, we received such a message in the background:
"The child is 27 years old. She has been leaving her job at home for two years due to the epidemic, and now she has become helpless.
We kindly arranged for her to return to her original unit. , she was unwilling to do so, and actually said that we were settling old scores. But she didn't find a suitable job herself! She had no idea what her goals were, and what kind of job she wanted to find.
Her cousin suggested to try out at a nail salon and photography store. When I went for an interview, people thought she was too old to be an assistant or apprentice. She felt they were discriminating against her, so she never looked for her again.
is like a worthless loser. She cries at home every day and gives us looks. , what should I do if I get scolded? "
I believe that this parent must really want to do something to help his child, but his words reveal the arrogance and strength of "I'm not wrong, it's the child who pulls the crotch." I can imagine that her child has grown up How frustrating it is to be a grown-up.
This 27-year-old child has no goals. He doesn’t know what he wants or what help he needs. He gives up easily when encountering a slight setback. Even though he is an adult, he still cannot take responsibility for himself.
Behind the bad life, there is always a pair of invisible hands controlling her. These hands are actually her parents.
Philosopher Thomas Carlyle said: "The most serious mistake is not to feel that you have made any mistakes."
When parents always give their children various suggestions and requirements in a "correct" manner, children lose the opportunity to think independently. Their judgment and spirit of experimentation shrink little by little, and they gradually become dependent on their parents.
So the solution this parent wants is hidden in her words -
If you want to change the status quo, you must first let go of your condescending attitude, your blaming and negative attitude, and your self-confidence of "I am right". Give enough time and space to let the children slowly find their lost selves.
What is regrettable is that if these things could be done earlier, perhaps the painful situation for parents and children would not be caused.
" "Correct" hurts
When I watched "Youth Talk" before, I had such a sense of powerlessness: the program was originally intended to encourage children to speak out their innermost thoughts, but as the children talked, they did not dare to speak or did not want to speak. ...
A little girl stood on the podium with her chest raised and her head raised, and expressed her appeal: I hope my mother will not always compare herself with other children and belittle and deny herself.
"Children from other families are not only good. Your own children are working hard too, why don't you take a look? "
The child's desire for mother's care and approval was very clear, but her mother didn't listen at all.
As soon as the little girl finished speaking, her mother immediately turned against the customer, listed 123 reasons and educated her daughter again, anxious Proof: "There is a reason why I deny you. I am right. You are wrong to think so. "
Another teenage boy stood up and shouted: "I don't want to eat apples and eggs anymore! "
A child of this age can't even make his own decisions about what he eats. He has to go on a show to express his appeal, and then he has a chance to be heard by his mother.
But do you think his mother listened? Not at all! His mother immediately stood up He stood up and defended himself: "You look so handsome just because your mother asked you to eat apples and eggs! (What's wrong with me? You can eat if you are told to eat!)"
There is also a girl's mother who signed up for English classes, but gave up after a few classes, and then asked her daughter to take her place.
As a daughter When protesting against this, my mother made a good excuse for giving up: "That's to motivate you. Is it wrong for me to spend money on you? "
In sharp contrast to the "righteousness" of the parents, the children's voices are getting weaker and weaker, and their eyes are getting lower and lower.
They have not really accepted the "education" of their parents, but have compromised: " said What's the use of speaking from the heart? It's all in vain. "
What will happen to children who grow up like this?
On the one hand, if parents never think that they are at fault, then the one who made the mistake can only be a more vulnerable child. Children are often criticized and reprimanded by their parents, and they will slowly feel guilty.
On the other hand, parents are never wrong, and children cannot see the example of admitting their mistakes. Although they are often asked to admit their mistakes, they learn that "strong people" never make mistakes. , it is the "weak ones" who are at fault. He will subtly turn himself into a "strong one" like his parents, blaming the mistakes on the "weak ones" who are weaker than him.
It is not surprising why there are so many. Adults with low self-esteem and arrogance cannot take responsibility for themselves and will never allow others to talk about themselves in this way. They live a miserable and unhappy life.
The always correct self is also the fragile self
American psychologist Evans once told a story:
In front of the ice cream selling window, stood a mother and her daughter.
The mother asked her daughter: "Which flavor do you want?"
The daughter said: "I want the vanilla."
"I think the chocolate is better."
"No, I want the vanilla."
"You You shouldn’t ask for vanilla, I know you like chocolate-flavored things.”
“I want to eat vanilla now.”
Finally, the mother sighed helplessly: Why is this child so stubborn.
Evans asked the mother: "Why do you have to let your daughter choose chocolate flavor?"
She said: "I think it tastes delicious, so I want to give it to my daughter. I love her so much, and I just want to give her the best." "
It turns out that there is a child who likes to eat chocolate ice cream living in the mother's heart, so she projects her own psychological needs onto the child.
In fact, many strong parents have an unsatisfied "inner child" in their hearts. The anxiety and fear of this "child" have not been seen and accepted by their parents, leaving trauma and regret in their hearts.
When they become parents, they will unconsciously let their children repeat their own childhood patterns, so the trauma and regret are "passed on".
"Inheritance" cannot heal the injured "inner child". It will only cause unclear boundaries, binding and confusing one's own life with that of the child.
A few years ago, a mother filled in the college entrance examination application for her daughter out of what she thought was the "correct" consideration. However, she filled out the application form incorrectly, causing her daughter to lose the opportunity to study in a good university.
The mother jumped into the river after leaving a "sorry" note.
Parents who are obsessed with being "correct" often do not mean to forcefully oppress their children. They are just obsessed with the authorities and do not see the uneasiness, anxiety, and worry hidden in their hearts...
They not only limit themselves, but also limit their children.
Respect children and be responsible for yourself
is actually always correct, there is only one thing - respect the children's wishes in everything they do.
Because everyone’s life must be under self-control. Just like skin is a person's physical boundary, wishes are a person's spiritual boundaries. Parents can avoid most wrong education by asking their children "Are you willing?" and then truly respecting their children's wishes. Behavior. Perhaps some parents will say: "Then if the child really makes a mistake, don't you need to correct it and let him do whatever he wants?" When faced with the child's immature mistakes, this time involves "thinking": We Is the root cause of correcting a child's behavior out of helping the child or out of satisfaction for oneself? If it is out of love, then actions will not hurt, such as interrupting impatiently, blaming condescendingly, sarcastically criticizing... these are not expressions of love. Love will not make people lose control, only losing control will. But trying to use "correctness" to control is wrong from the beginning. "Love" for the purpose of control is not called love, but domestication. I really like what Deshan's father said when he apologized to Deshan after making a mistake in " please reply 1988": "Dad, I can't help you. Dad, I am also a father for the first time..." We all As a first-time parent, it is impossible to never make mistakes - Only when you are not afraid to admit your mistakes can you see your children's true demands and give them real help; Let go of your parental authority, truly lean down and touch your children's Only the heart can guide them to their own path. Only by getting out of the illusion of always being right can you embrace your children Excellent parents are not afraid to admit their mistakes to their children Welcome to 7-day good mother growth camp will give you a set of Family education Universal formula Parenting first educate yourself Click the link below , learn more ↓ Author introduction Aguai: Yin Jianli Parent School original content editor, child care worker, constantly learning and disseminating child care knowledge. On the road to raising children, we grow together. This article was first published on the WeChat public account: "Yin Jianli Parents School ID: yinjianlifumuxuetang". To reprint this article, please send "reprint" to the public account.
