Reference News Network reported on October 28 that (text/Liannon Lucy Coslett) time flashed back to the National Delivery Trust Fund class. I asked Alison, the director of the course, about going to the bathroom: "You said we shouldn't leave them unattended... So to be honest, how can I go to the bathroom?"
Now that 6 months have passed, I finally understand that sometimes you need to make your baby cry so that you can go to the bathroom, make a cup of tea, stuff a cool curry dumpling into your mouth, and recall the time when you carefully prepare a small lunch. I used to feel guilty about it. My husband went back to work for 4 months. When the baby happened to have to have fun all the time, I started to feel guilty because sometimes I would put the baby on the rocking chair so that I could read a book myself.
Where does this guilt come from? Not from my own mother, not any older women I know, not internet celebrities on social media, nor parenting books.
Research made me conclude that I was somewhat infected with what Judith Warner (the best-selling American author - this website note) called the "War Mars Planet-style parenting method." In other words, this concept believes that being a mother should be the job that occupies all your life, and that all other aspects of your identity should be sacrificed for 360 degree parenting. This deadly ideology seems to have begun in the 1990s and reached fanaticism at the turn of the century. Today, it has been filtered through a savage version of attachment theory and mild parenting philosophy torture our generation.
Illustrations (Visual China)
Eliana Glazer (British writer - this website note) calls it the perfect mother worship, and other statements include "fine parenting" or "teaching with all your heart". No matter how it is described, it can be attributed to the belief that there must be obvious educational or emotional value at all times. I learned through reading that this is basically a Western constructed idea that is not only bad for women but also for children, and children should be allowed to discover the world by themselves or by playing with other children.
I haven't completely freed from the guilt of being a mother - it's impossible - but over the past two months, I've been consciously worrying less, so I've been much happier. The baby is happier too because his mother is less anxious. Those who advocate "War Mars Planet-style parenting methods" seem to have never considered their mother's mental health. No one seems to admit that a mother on the verge of collapse will cause greater harm to her child than a bottle of formula or letting her baby spend a little time learning to fall asleep independently.
If you want to know how I successfully quit perfectionism, the answer is that I read two copies of the material. First is the paper entitled "Analysis of variability in parent-child games". The second is Pamela Druckmann's "French Kids Don't Leave Food", a book that has been around for ten years, but it can make people completely relieved.
French women are almost maverick in the West and they do not accept this strong perfectionism. They will not abandon their jobs to take care of their children, will not rush over at the moment when their children need them, and they will not be obsessed with various "milestones". Most importantly, they often put themselves first—I was shocked when I wrote this.
Unfortunately, our own child care system is seriously lacking, but we can still learn from the French thinking model. I really feel that Druckman has kept my sanity. Now, it's time to feed your baby. But first, I want to feed myself. (Translated by Zhang Yining from the British " Guardian " website on October 10, the original title is "I no longer try to be a perfect mother, this is really a huge relief")
Source: Reference News Network
