material丨Source: Sister Xiao Li’s case sharing
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I remember that the famous cartoonist Mr. Zhu Deyong shared his childhood experience:
I was always very unhappy when I was a child, very, very unhappy. When I was a child, I felt that the world was not mine, but I couldn't run away. No matter whether I have the ability to run or not, or whether I know how to run, I will always be stuck.
There is no place or person in the world that welcomes me. The adults don't have the slightest confidence in me.
Some time ago, a little sister Li came to me and shared with me everything she had experienced in the past 26 years. Those lonely memories that were unbearable to look back on made me feel very similar to what Zhu Deyong said about childhood feelings.
After hearing Sister Li’s experience, she digested her emotions and hopes to share her story, because of her transformation, her rebirth, and even more so, her bravery.
01 .
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A neglected childhood
As long as she can remember, Xiao Li has been a neglected child. She has a sister who is several years older. Her parents did not discipline her very much since she was a child, and she is a freewheeling type.
During kindergarten, Xiao Li was a child with extremely low self-esteem. Other children could openly perform on stage, but Xiao Li did not dare to go on stage for fear of screwing up and being laughed at by others. When the get out of class was over, other children rushed out like arrows to let themselves go, but Xiao Li did not dare. He just sat in his seat alone and did not talk to anyone.
Even when she wanted to go to the toilet, she felt it was embarrassing to raise her hands, so she would rather pull it on her pants. In the end, she was laughed at by her classmates and said it stunk, and she was beaten up by her mother when she got home.
At the age of going to school, Xiao Li is still the same person who deviates from the outside world. I don’t like crowded places, and it’s difficult to participate in class activities. When there are too many people, I feel like I’m not myself.
She often couldn't even memorize a Chinese text, and was kept late by the teacher. When she walked out of the classroom, the whole day was dark, but her parents would not come to pick her up. They felt that they could not afford to embarrass this person. That feeling of loss, the loneliness of walking home alone at night, is still there.
My mother said that she was unsatisfactory at all, not to mention her withdrawn personality, her grades were a mess, she couldn't do anything well, and she came last in the exam. Her father would never call her "you idiot" or force her to learn anything she didn't like. But he would not ask her about anything. Even if the homework book asked for parents' signature, her father would not even look at it and signed it immediately.
In the eyes of his classmates, Xiao Li is an alternative with a withdrawn personality and poor grades. No one liked to play with her, and eventually there was no table, so she was always alone.
In short, when I was a child, I always felt that I was not good at anything. I always felt that there was no place or person in the world that welcomed me, liked me, or valued me.
The best time is when a person squats in the corner of the room and plays with bugs.
02 .
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Isolated in adolescence
After entering junior high school, Xiao Li said that the person she envied most was her younger sister. Because my sister is beautiful and well-behaved, many people surround her every day, and she also has many good friends in school.
Later, Xiao Li had a boy she liked, but she always felt that she was not worthy enough for a boy to like her. At most, she just followed the boy on a bicycle and looked at him from a distance.
Her classmates regarded her as an alternative because she never took the initiative to talk to them, and occasionally stuttered when she spoke a word.But why didn't she want to play with her classmates, talk to everyone, play games, and do homework like a normal person? But she really had a lot of fear. That fear would make everyone look at her strangely, like bayonets, piercing her heart. It was so painful that she didn't dare to look at other people.
When I was in high school, one night during self-study, the class teacher suddenly pointed at her and yelled: "Look at Chen Wenwen in your dormitory, can't you study well like them? You are really hopeless!"
Suddenly, she felt that the eyes of everyone around her, including the head teacher, were as sharp as a shining axe. A cold light appeared and was about to split her head in half. She had no choice but to bury her head in her elbows, and even wanted to dig a hole in the ground to get in. At that moment, Xiao Li lay weakly on the table and pretended to sleep, but in his heart he actually wanted to just sleep to death.
At this time, the class teacher suddenly said: "Look, your name is the last in the class! Do you know the shame? You know the shame, but you have the nerve to be posted on the wall!" At that moment, Xiao Li felt that her heart was severely thrown into the trash can, and was discarded forever.
And the classmates often cast mocking glances at her, mocking her for having a smelly head and never washing her hair, mocking her for being a loser who couldn't even read, and even mocking her for why she had the nerve to sit here.
Every day when Xiao Li comes home, she first closes the door and cries secretly, even though her parents can’t hear her and don’t care about her. Then she washes her hair, using bottles of various scented shampoos over and over again, but it seems she can never wash away the stinky smell mentioned by her classmates.
In college, the dormitory was her hell. was not only isolated from the entire dormitory, but was also deleted from their WeChat group and friend list. As soon as she entered the dormitory after class every day, she heard all kinds of bad words. She lay in bed at night, hoping that she would not wake up the next day.
Every day in college, Xiao Li went from the dormitory to the classroom, and from the classroom to the cafeteria alone, feeling like a walking zombie.
Another day, she accidentally stepped into a small pit. Due to her unstable center of gravity, she fell and couldn't get up. At this time, from the corner of her eye, she saw several classmates in the dormitory walking past with complete disregard. They even laughed and laughed. No one went up to help her.
lay like this in despair for a long time before a college counselor came over to greet him. Xiao Li suffered a soft tissue contusion from the fall and his foot was swollen into a ball. But my skin didn’t hurt much. What hurt more was my heart. I was lying alone on the hospital bed, helpless.
03 .
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Suffering from severe depression
After graduation Entering the society, Xiao Li was still regarded as an unsociable being. It was common for her to quarrel with her colleagues and bosses. Her roommates would get into fights if they disagreed. People both upstairs and downstairs hated her, and she was unpopular wherever she went...
Until one day, Xiao Li found that she didn't want to get up in the morning, didn't want to eat, let alone go to work. At that time, she thought she was sick because of too much work pressure!
But what followed was inexplicable crying, and I didn’t want to go out at all. I even wanted to jump when I walked to the window.
In this way, Xiao Li stopped going to work every day and slept until 12 noon every day. He didn’t go out or dress himself up because his face was covered with acne and his hair was messy. No one looked at him after he dressed up. He just ate something and stayed in the room all day. When it got dark, he continued to sleep when he was tired.
Xiao Li spent a whole year like this.
My elder sister couldn't stand her, and scolded her every day for being worthless, lazy, and an old man, so she might as well be dead.
There were several times when she talked back to her sister, and when they had a quarrel, her sister actually pulled her to the window and tried to push her down. If her mother hadn't rushed out and stopped her later, she might have actually fallen down.
Later, Xiao Li began to check on the Internet whether he was going to die. He found that his symptoms should be depression , and it might be severe depression.
Later, her parents also learned about Xiao Li’s depression. Her father, who had been indifferent to her since she was a child, began to knock on her door to ask her for help. When she refused to open the door, he would enlighten her at the door and ask if she could cheer up.
Dad’s change is like a beam of light shining into Xiao Li’s heart, and he doesn’t want to commit suicide for the time being.
On the weekends, my father began to organize family hiking, cooking together, and inviting relatives to the house for dinner. During those days, my father would try his best to liven up the family and bring Xiao Li with him. The father also knew that he could not let his little daughter sink and wanted to save her.
04 .
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Awaken your inner strength and live a good life
During these years of severe depression, Xiao Li attempted suicide three times. By chance, he met Teacher Lifan after class online.
Teacher Lifan’s first words when she saw Xiao Li were: What a pretty girl, I really like you!
These words penetrated her body like warm sunshine, and she suddenly felt that a large dark cloud that had been accumulated in her heart for many years began to loosen.
Teacher Lifan learned about Xiao Li’s situation and told her: Every life that comes into this world is a grace and deserves to be celebrated, and every life deserves to be treated well.
After finishing that class, Xiao Li had an extremely important thought: to live well. She decided to restart her life.
From the next day, I followed Teacher Lifan’s suggestions:
- Clean up your room and make a break once a week;
- Learn to cook a meal for yourself and stop eating takeout;
- Exercise well and sign up for a yoga class if you like it;
- Talk to your family well and make a phone call every week;
- Find a job and earn some living expenses first;
...
Xiao Li learned that she was so important. Everyone in class praised her for her beauty, big eyes, more pimples, dexterous hands, and diligence. It turned out that there were still people in the world who liked her and cared about her. It turned out that she didn't want to be that "special child" at all. She wanted to let herself go, play with everyone, chat with everyone, and fall in love. She deserved to live.
The moment he knew the truth, Xiao Li deeply apologized to his past self, and also forgave the past self who felt that there was nothing wrong with him and looked down on him at all.
Xiao Li has always liked yoga, because she can deeply connect with herself when practicing yoga, so she signed up for a yoga class and later became a professional yoga instructor; she also tried to break through her timid and inferior self, applied for a job at a car show, and became a car model that attracted much attention; in the past two years, she also worked as an anchor, sharing her experiences over the years with more people through videos. She inspires to be the most profound, responsible and powerful new generation of young people to make more contributions to society.
During this period, Xiao Li has been sending me a wonderful lunch she cooked, beautiful photos of her yoga handstand, and her shining back when she was working as a car model, which are beautiful and warm.
Xiao Li found that her previous room was not only messy, but also filled with clothes, including a pile of scarves on the shelf in the corner. She said that she had no sense of security in the past, so she liked to hoard goods. Although there were more and more things in the house, this gave her a little sense of security, but it was also very painful every time she moved.
Now she has learned to give up once a week, donating the extra things bit by bit, giving away, and throwing away. Because her heart has begun to become fuller, and she no longer needs so many materials to fill the holes in the past.
During the lockdown in their hometown due to the epidemic, she also took the initiative to help her neighbors get express delivery and buy fruits. She also acted as Dabai. Wherever she was needed, she would stand up bravely and no longer be afraid.
I was amazed by her beautiful life. When I saw the delicious food and the beautiful figure of yoga, I couldn't help but sigh, Xiao Li, you have finally ushered in the dawn of life!
"It was a dark alley with only a few crows shouting. It was very dark, very depressing, and filled with silence and terror. I only wore a pair of bare-footed slippers and walked in this alley. There were even people beside me to distract you. The kittens that were running around were so frightened when one suddenly appeared. I walked cautiously, cautiously, and fearfully for 26 years, and finally the light came! "
A few days ago, Xiao Li sent me a piece of sentiment that made me cry!
written at the end
Sister Li’s experience actually reflects the growth of many people.
has not received any recognition since he was a child. His parents were busy with work and ignored him, resulting in no savings in this "emotional account".
When I grow up, any embarrassing experience will bother me for a long time, because no one has told me that it is allowed to be embarrassed and my parents accept me, so I feel very embarrassed and even become autistic.
Just like Xiao Li, his personal psychological needs have never been taken care of, and he was not seen after being hurt in school. He carries this heavy sense of shame alone, and his parents did not start to pay attention to him until he suffered from severe depression.
To get out of this predicament, first of all, you must first accept yourself. Give yourself a loving hug. Because these experiences are really not your fault, your needs are reasonable, the attention and love you need are also reasonable, and you deserve a better life.
You must know that every day you live now is blessed by hope, love and gratitude, and although those scars in the past are always there, they will become "medals of growth" to glorify your life.
Finally, I wish Sister Li’s life will get better and better! Shining brightly!
