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Today, we’re going to dive into some interesting questions we haven’t explored yet, and how we reconcile those somewhat contradictory-sounding orgasm recommendations.
There are a lot of sex educators talking about the importance of closing the orgasm gap and working to increase women's orgasm rates. But at the same time, there are many sex educators who believe that orgasm should not be the goal of sex. So is orgasm our goal? We'll also look at a small but important group of women who say they're not sure if they've had an orgasm before. This raises an interesting question, how do you know if you've climaxed? Are orgasms the same for everyone? We'll also discuss what we know about multiple orgasms and men, as well as tips for everyone to have more pleasurable and satisfying orgasms.
had the pleasure of connecting with sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor at the University of Florida who teaches human sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. She talks a lot about the importance of orgasm equality and shares a lot of advice on how women can have more orgasms. So women should strive to have more orgasms? But at the same time, there are a lot of sex therapists and sex educators who say orgasm shouldn't be the goal of sex. Instead, we should relax and have fun. I can't help but feel that these things may sound contradictory and may be confusing to some. For example, you should have more orgasms, but orgasm shouldn't be the goal.
(What do you think about this? Should orgasm be the goal of sexual activity?)
But sex therapists, myself included, will say that goal-oriented sex is not good sex.
So how do we reconcile this, I think it needs to be reconciled both personally and culturally.
Well, every sexual encounter doesn't necessarily end in orgasm, and the goal reduces the fun and possibilities. There are studies that consistently show that when one group of a population consistently ends up at the lower end of a huge gap in some studies, we know statistically that there is a cultural problem. So I think we have to do a lot to address this cultural issue, including in individual bedrooms.
But we have to do it, not that you have to have an orgasm. Of course it depends on whether you look at it from a cultural perspective or from a separate bedroom perspective, separate bedrooms are the cause of the cultural gap, but once you've been given the information and advice, it doesn't mean you have to orgasm every time you have sex.
For ordinary people, how can they think about this problem in their own personal lives. Like I'm thinking, personally, every time I have sex, I want to orgasm, but I don't have to orgasm.
This is where the problems really start to occur in the research, because this does become a very goal-oriented thing and if it doesn't happen, then it feels like a failure. Then next time, maybe come back to that issue and part ways. Then worry about not having an orgasm next time. You can certainly say during sex, I want to orgasm. But I think that's really where we start to run into some problems.
It may also be that in order to please your partner, you have to climax. Because I think a lot of people feel the need for this kind of orgasm because their partner really wants it. When your significant other puts pressure on you to orgasm, that also makes you less likely to orgasm. Because you start thinking in your head, I have to do this for someone else. The goal of getting an orgasm from yourself or your partner can feel like pressure. Stress and sex simply don't go together harmoniously. This is why many people fake orgasms, it lets your partner know what not to do.
On the other hand, I often adopt an attitude toward women that especially helps to understand. Equal rights, a lot of times I would say that to a woman, a straight, cisgender woman, so imagine you had a sexual encounter with this man, or whatever? Imagine you're having sex with this man or it's your husband, your boyfriend, whatever, and he has an orgasm and you don't.How do you feel? Will you be disappointed often? Well, no big deal. Now, imagine a sexual encounter where you had it and he didn't. How do you feel, what do you think you did wrong?
This attitude really reinforces the idea that your orgasm is less important than your partner's. Your pleasure is less important than your partner's attitude. If you think your pleasure is as important as your partner's, and you sometimes orgasm without anyone else. Then it's not a big deal if it doesn't arrive. But sometimes, everyone encounters this situation. You should be happy, not focused on goals. But if you truly don't believe that your orgasm, your pleasure, is as important as your partner, then that's part of this cultural narrative that women's pleasure doesn't matter. This is a difference in cultural understanding or attitude.
So it's a very subtle difference, and reconciling the two is a very complex problem, but well worth doing.
When discussing the gap on social media, I heard some interesting opinions from some straight men who will readily admit that they usually achieve during periods, but some of them take issue with this and think that just because a man reaches orgasm, they must have gotten what they wanted and were fine with it.
In other words, it seems to be assuming that orgasm is a sign of the quality of a man's sex life. But speaking from experience, having an orgasm is accompanied by a not-so-good sexual experience. So orgasm and satisfaction, at least for some individuals, don't always go hand in hand.
climax rate is easy to measure. They get a lot of attention and are certainly important. Would you argue that orgasms are the best indicator of whether people are doing well and getting what they want? I think that's an indicator, but not the only indicator. So what are the other indicators? Are you satisfied? How connected do you feel? Feel how happy this experience is, how interesting this experience is? This is easy to measure and know that it doesn't always correlate with status. And it's still cultural issues that are driving this gap.
I think it's important to emphasize that when we say heterosexual men have more orgasms on average, that doesn't mean they always get what they want. It doesn’t mean theirs are always great either. We need to talk more about women's happiness and how we can help women have more happiness. There needs to be a conversation about how everyone can have more pleasure, orgasm or not, and a lot of them are not having a great time.
In some surveys I've done where I've asked people if they've had it, a small percentage of women said they weren't sure. But this percentage is high. I think a lot of people have that impression, and if you have, you know. But some people aren't sure. So how do you know if they've had an orgasm before? There's also a small group of women in my job who say, I don't know. The general idea is that if you don't know it, you probably don't have it yet. You'll know it when you experience it. I can tell you what it feels like. There is also a small percentage of people who have orgasms but don't feel them, and for some reason anxiety is holding them back.
Orgasm is when blood enters the erectile tissue. In the erectile tissue, these special capillaries When you are excited, the blood flows in instead of out. It accumulates to a tension point, and then the rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor releases the blood. It is an intense tension in an intense release. That tension, followed by a positive feeling. But for some orgasms, the release feels like an earthquake, for others it's like a little sneeze. So I think some people enjoy great pleasure but don't have an orgasm. They don't know because they haven't experienced it. Others, either because they are too anxious, their thoughts are getting in the way, or their pelvic floor muscles are too weak. It's not the pelvic floor muscles that make orgasm happen, but the stronger the muscles, the more rhythmic contractions you'll feel. Therefore, you can do appropriate abdominal exercises to strengthen these.
What do you think is climax? Is it a physical experience or a psychological experience? If you've never had an orgasm before, it's understandable why it can be difficult to label it, and some people might label different things as orgasms. It's not just what your brain is doing but how you perceive it. Your brain might get excited and your genitals might contract, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
In addition to sex, there are many things in life that are pleasurable. But if you're not in the right headspace when engaging in those activities, it won't be enjoyable. Taking a hot bath is a very relaxing thing and feels great, but if you're not in your right mind, it can also be painful and unbearable. This is all a subjective interpretation.
This also brings up another problem. Studies have found that, on average, women take longer to reach orgasm than men, which is one of the reasons for the orgasm ceiling. But when you look at the time it takes to reach orgasm in a partnered versus solo activity, we find that men and women reach orgasm at similar rates during masturbation. That's it's only in partnered sex that we see huge differences in orgasm duration.
It's interesting that so much sex advice boils down to spending more time playing during sex, because it takes women longer to orgasm, but women themselves don't have to take longer to orgasm. Do we need to spend more time arousing our sexual desire? Or does the stimulation just need to be more reflective of what women get from masturbating? Or both?
has a saying of surveillance, another person's eyes. This involves personal privacy. In one book, it is said that the reason masturbation is so effective is because you are the only one involved, so you are not spying. Don't you think about whether he thinks I'm doing a good job? Do they think I look okay? Did I take too long? For example, there is less self-monitoring. In the presence of a partner, this self-monitoring can take longer because it takes time for the brain to calm down. Simply put, feeling comfortable takes a different amount of time.
And if you don't feel like you're equally entitled to what we call an orgasm, then you're wondering, how long did it take me for them to get bored? That's why a lot of women I talk to can't climax until their partner does, because they can't relax, and then a few minutes later, okay, I tried my best. So I think environment is very important, but I think stimulation is also important.
While talking about this I started thinking about this idea, do I need my partner to orgasm before I orgasm?
Because I know some people want their partner to orgasm so they can focus on themselves. Or wanting to climax first so you can focus on your partner. Would love to know what those numbers are, how people feel about orgasm timing, do they want the first time or the second time, the third time or the fourth time, do they want to orgasm at the same time? This would be an interesting direction worthy of exploration and future research
Just thought of this today, thank you for watching. See you next time!
