text/Temimi's mother (original article, personal sharing and forwarding is welcome)
I wonder if you have discovered such a situation. As a parent, the more nagging, the more likely it is to cause children's disgust?
It may be a scene of a kind mother and filial son and a peaceful life the previous second, but as long as the parents turn on the mouth-hide bombing mode, the child will be in trouble every minute.
And every time this happens, we will fall into a vicious cycle with our children: Parents nagging - the child resists - the parents think that the child is disobedient, and further language output...
In this case, parents and children will have further tear and confrontation.
So why does this happen? Is it really that the child is disobedient?
In fact, something that happened later made me understand that this "confrontation" is not caused by the child's ignorance and disobedience, but by a common psychological phenomenon in life.
01. The more nagging the parents, the more disgusting the children? My 9-year-old daughter's words made me realize
In fact, for a long time, like many mothers, I have also fallen into this vicious cycle. As long as the child does something bad, I will turn on the nagging and bombing mode.
For example, watching TV and playing with your mobile phone for too long, such as going to bed and rest unconsciously at the right time, and then getting up early and procrastinating to go to school, etc.
. In this case, I found that Dabao's resistance was becoming more and more frequent and more obvious. Until one day when I urged her to do her homework, she suddenly shouted at me: "I can do my own things myself. Can you stop talking back and forth? Are you upset..."
That was the first time my daughter challenged me like a little adult. After hearing this, I seemed to be hit by some heavy hammer, and I didn't come back to my senses for a long time.
After a period of time, my relationship with my daughter dropped to freezing point. I once thought that my daughter was getting older and older, so I felt very wronged.
Later, in order to resolve the conflict, I took my daughter and Erbao back to my parents' home. It was this time that I understood something.
My mother is a mother who has to give back and forth every detail. This may be the same for all parents all over the world. So during the communication process, because my mother was too nagging, I said half-jokingly: "Mom, stop talking, you have said 800 times..."
It was precisely because of my words, as if my daughter had some handle on her. She immediately stared at me and said: "Look, grandma nagging, are you also annoyed?"
A sudden sentence from my daughter made me realize that the child’s impatient and resistance to his parents’ nagging was not caused by his ignorance and disobedience.
So the question is, why do children develop a rebellious mentality towards their parents’ nagging?
02. Psychologist: To educate children, we need to avoid the "overlimit effect"
In order to understand the real reason for children's nagging and resistance to parents, I have read many psychology books and found the answers in it.
. The main reason why children are very repulsive of parents’ nagging is that the "overlimit effect" is happening.
The overlimit effect comes from a real experience of writer Mark Twain .
Once Mark went to listen to the pastor’s speech. At first, he thought it was very good and planned to donate. But ten minutes later, the pastor was still talking. Mark was a little impatient and decided to donate only some change. Ten minutes later, the pastor was still chattering. Mark decided not to donate. When the pastor was about to finish the speech and start raising funds, Mark not only did not donate pennies, but also took 2 yuan from the plate...
This is the rebellious psychology caused by excessive stimulation and long-term effects, and this phenomenon is also called the "overlimit effect".
When we reflect this psychological phenomenon into family education , will we find a problem:
The more we nag at the child, the more likely we will arouse the child’s disgust, and even make the child full of the rebellious mentality of “I insist on this”.
So, parents' nagging sometimes does not bring benefits to family education, but will instead destroy the parent-child relationship and hinder the children's progress.
03. What should parents do when facing children’s problems?
As I just shared with you, in family education, we often find some problems with our children.
For example, letting the child not watch cartoons, but she is reluctant to leave the TV or let the child sleep at the right time, but the child is delayed...
Generally speaking, most parents will use nagging to solve problems. In fact, we also know that nagging cannot solve problems, so what should we do?
① Effective communication between parents and children is the basis
The book "Children's Emotional Psychology" clearly states:
When facing all emotional problems of children, the best way to family education is to communicate effectively.
Many parents may have this feeling. If you talk to your child carefully, she just doesn’t listen to you. What should I do?
In fact, the reason for this illusion is mainly because we have not created a good parent-child communication environment for our children.
Just imagine, if you hold a mobile phone in your hand and act carelessly when you communicate with you, you will also receive the same feedback when you communicate with your child.
is why a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If we don’t lay a solid foundation for parent-child communication at the beginning, it will be difficult for children to communicate with you seriously. This is why we often say “what we say to children, they can’t listen at all.”
So when we have a good communication foundation, when we encounter these small problems again, as long as we communicate well with our children, they will give you positive feedback. As parents, we must firmly believe in this.
②Use rules instead of nagging
Many parents use urging and nagging to solve problems because we ignore the means of using rules to solve problems.
For example, after watching TV, we often remind the child that it is time to go to bed. If it doesn’t work once, remind twice. This method will not only not effectively curb children’s behavior, but will also make them more and more rebellious.
However, if we set rules for our children in advance, limit the time, and tell them at what time to turn off the TV, will we achieve twice the result with half the effort?
This is the so-called "orderness", allowing children to clarify the rules themselves, realize the seriousness of the problem, and make changes independently.
For example, when my daughter was doing her homework, after I communicated with her child, I told her that she would not urge her to do her homework in the future, but she would not change her meal and sleep time, so she would make a plan by herself, otherwise she would have to bear the consequences of this matter.
is precisely because of this rule-making that later I found that without my urging, she would actively complete her homework in an effective time.
In fact, in the process of family education, as parents, it is easy for us to take some detours, but as long as we reflect on ourselves in time and correct the mistakes in education, we can find an easy and simple way.
As psychologist Herbart said: Family education is a process of constant trial and error, and parents' reflection and change can often make things simple.
So, I also hope that every parent can constantly reflect and find the password and key to educate their children in the process of educating their children.
