I believe that as a parent, you may have experienced it. If a child wants to buy something in the supermarket, he will cry and make a fuss. Or if the child is playing with building blocks, he always can't make them well. He is very anxious and angry and throws them away. Some children are even too angry and get so angry that they hit others or themselves. What should we do at this time? Is there any way to help children learn to manage negative emotions?
Li Songwei's 21-day system parenting and growth camp has a lesson that specifically talks about how to help children learn to manage negative emotions. Share it with you:
1. Distinguish between "feelings" and "ways to cope with feelings"
Before helping children learn to manage negative emotions, you need to distinguish two concepts: feelings and ways to cope with feelings.
For example, a child is very angry, and being angry is his feelings. There is nothing right or wrong with this feeling.
When a child is angry, he will hit someone, or beat himself, or cry and make a fuss, or say swear words... This is how to deal with feelings. There are differences between good and bad ways of dealing with feelings.
What we need to admit is the child’s feelings, it is the child’s subjective experience of the feeling, there is no right or wrong, good or bad. This part will not change because of our criticism or our negation. However, the way you cope with feelings can be varied.
More examples:
Happiness is a feeling, and laughter is a way to deal with feelings.
Love is a feeling, and expressing love is a way to deal with this feeling.
Sadness is a feeling, and crying is the way to deal with this feeling.
Tense is a feeling, and deep breathing is the way to deal with this feeling.
If we can distinguish between the way we feel and cope with feelings, we can recognize the child’s feelings while dealing with the way he copes with feelings.
2. Methodology
Help children learn to manage negative emotions Methodology In psychology, the professional noun is verbalized , which refers to expressing feelings in words. To put it bluntly, it means saying it, "A gentleman speaks but not acts." Because the initial feeling is some subjective experience of the body, it cannot be processed with rationality and the cortex of the brain, and it cannot be represented. Until we find some words for it and give it the symbol of language, we can only think about and discuss and communicate these feelings.
expresses feelings in words, which is a very adaptable emotional processing mechanism. It is a very mature way we use to deal with feelings, and in this way, it is not easy to hurt ourselves or others.
3. Operation steps
How do we help children learn to deal with their feelings in a verbal way?
The first step is to express his feelings in words.
We acknowledge the child’s feelings, understand his feelings, and control his behavior until he returns to a relatively stable state.
For example, the child is very angry and he is hitting someone. Being angry is his true feelings, and beating someone is an inappropriate way to deal with feelings. What should we do?
We grab his hand and stop him from hitting people. At the same time, we use words to express our acceptance of his feelings. We can say, "I know you are very angry now, but you can't hit people."
Step 2, we use words to express the child's behavior of coping with feelings.
For example, if a child hits himself, we know that he hits himself to deal with his anger. We can say, "I can feel that you are angry. You are too angry, so you want to hit yourself. You have no other way to express your anger."
We use this sentence to help the child see how he copes with his feelings and help him establish a connection between his behavior and feelings. This is an important self-awareness.
The third step is to feedback on the adjustments and changes in the way children cope with their feelings.
When we see his emotions slowly calming down, we can say it is very good. This time you didn't hit yourself, you were constantly breathing, and then you will slowly calm down.
We use such feedback to help children see their feelings, which can be adjusted and changed in other ways.
Step 4, review.
Wait until the child calms down, we will review it.
Why should I wait for the child to calm down? Because when a child is in emotions such as excitement, anger, and fear, his entire emotional brain is activated, and the negative rational cerebral cortex does not work much. At this time, he will not listen to the reason.
Therefore, from a neurophysiological perspective, the most effective time for a person to learn something new is when he is calm and happy.
The most important point here is: What I don’t agree with is not the emotions themselves, but the way they deal with emotions.
We express his emotions through supportive expression and empathy with -style communication, and give him the necessary recognition and acceptance. This is we help him calm his emotions, so that we can help him learn to manage these emotions more safely and effectively, and guide him to think about what his emotions are, how he can do it, what are the good and what are the bad practices, and if not, what are the better methods?
In this process, the child will gradually assume the responsibility of managing his own emotions.
Note: The above content is compiled from the Wu Zhihong Psychological Platform Li Songwei's 21-day System Nursing and Growth Camp 09. Friends who want to learn systematically can follow Teacher Li Songwei's courses.
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