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"retaliatory" compensation behavior cannot truly heal the heart trauma, perhaps what we need is to look at our past self. If can find the root of compensatory psychology, clearly know the motivation of our behavior, and be able to perceive the emotions behind the motivation.

such as grievances, disappointment, anger, inferiority, helplessness, etc., has a more understanding of ourselves, perhaps we can look at our compensatory behavior more rationally and make the right consumption choices.

" because there is fun,

because it makes people relax,

because it makes people happy. ”

Is there any problem for adults to buy toys for themselves? Does it mean that children want to buy toys are innocent, and adults want to buy toys will be labeled as "revenge compensation"? Adults can always like pink bubble machines.

Of course, this may be a bit off the topic of discussion, but I do want to make a point: if you are an adult, you have not violated discipline or hurt others, but you just have the desire to buy a large number of toys, there is no problem.

I often get asked by clients during consultations, "Is it normal for me to do this?" Is it abnormal for me to do this? And I think the question that should be asked is: Does have any impact on your life and the people around you? How big is the impact? If does not have it or the impact is not great, then you just do it and you just buy it.

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get back to the point. If I have to talk about the psychological interpretation, I will be curious about what function does this behavior of buying toys play. The behavior theory in psychology believes that the reason why people continue to do something, or continue to act, must be because this behavior has obtained a certain result, and this result has strengthened this behavior.

For example, modern people like to browse their phones because browsing their phones plays many functions in modern life: it can relieve your anxiety of having nothing to say at dinner parties, calm down the loneliness and boredom that suddenly hits you before going to bed, and stop your brain that rotates rapidly as soon as you calm down. So if you think it's a waste of time to swipe your phone, you will still swipe your phone.

There is a possibility that the toy that was not loved back then became a symbol of "Because I was not good enough/Because my parents didn't like me, I couldn't get what I wanted" .

Sometimes adults don’t care much about the children’s thoughts or are not good at communicating, which will cause the children to understand their own understanding when adults don’t buy toys. , for example, “Because I’m not good enough, my mother doesn’t buy it for me, and I’m punished me in this way”, or “Our family is not in good condition, so I can’t get what other children have, it’s embarrassing.”

If this happens repeatedly, the idea of "I'm not good enough" will be rooted in the mind . Perhaps being able to buy the toys you want when you grow up can protect your inner inferiority and anxiety.

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Another simpler possibility is that adult life really requires toys. Whether it is spending time or waking memories, it can add some pleasure to the anxious and tense adult life and bring some relaxation. Camping is very popular this year, and outdoors are very popular. After all, isn’t adults buying toys when buying outdoor equipment for camping?

is fun, relaxing, and enjoying, so people will continue to buy it.

"" What we really lack is not those external possessions,

but the inner feeling of being paid attention to and loved. "

First of all, I hope you and me will look at your consumption behavior with an unjudgmental attitude. I believe that when you buy these toys and items, this purchasing process will definitely bring you some long-lost happiness.

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You may also find that as you buy more and more times, you get happiness but not as huge as the first time you are satisfied. It seems that some more complex emotions are slowly emerging.

Then let’s take a look at what compensatory consumption is meeting what needs.

usually mentions needs. The three core needs that cannot be avoided include: ability (good self-esteem level vs. self-esteem frustration), autonomy (sense of control vs. helplessness), and belonging (sense of loneliness vs. group).

If such needs are not satisfied when you are young, it may lead to a voice deep in your heart that seems to be saying "I'm not good enough" or a language similar to self-deprecating.

Although we try to compensate ourselves on a material level, we still suddenly experience a sense of helplessness and lack in our hearts.

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Perhaps because when I was a child, I could only get toys only if I had good grades, good performance, obedience and other conditions, as if I didn’t deserve to get toys.

reflects that in real life after adulthood, they will buy things that they lack in the past or present, such as toys, figures, electronic games, clothes; or strive to pursue a better school and work, and make more money, etc.

But none of these will directly eliminate the regrets or lack of childhood, just as if there is already a formed processing mechanism in the heart, which will quickly reduce the satisfaction until it is cleared.

When we can't see what we already have, and are constantly looking for more, better, and more strange things, and compare what we don't have with what others have, will always feel that we are empty, lonely, and even helpless.

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In fact, what we really lack is not those external possessions, but the inner feeling of being paid attention to and loved.

These hidden wishes require us to be patient and affirm ourselves, listen slowly, slowly see those hidden wishes, and understand and treat ourselves well , obtain healthier self-evaluation, more positive self-healing mechanism, and ultimately a happier life.

" The adult world is very separate from the teenagers' world.

We need to use some way,

feel the self-continuous consistency... "

Winnicott said that in order to adapt to parents and society, we will develop an "fake me" organization . The way the fake me exists is to obey the expectations given to us by parents and social culture. we must learn to be a person and do things, and complete the tasks assigned to us by society.

Why do we need to develop a "fake me"? Obviously this name contains a derogatory meaning - simply to survive, Winnicott said it is to protect the "true self" and there is room for development. We can all experience a feeling of "true self". I exist in and I am myself. How did the true self formed by

? Winnicott said that the prototype of the true self originated from the arms of the original mother. The mother focuses on the baby's state and holding the baby gives the baby a sense of initial integrity, especially when the baby's basic desires and needs are satisfied by the soft and warm breasts.

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Of course, this is not a real sense of completeness. The baby is still completely unable to control his body. If he leaves his mother, the baby will die immediately. However, this sense of completeness of this fantasy gradually becomes full, fulfilling and powerful as the mother continues to empathize with the baby's state and meets the baby's needs.

In the process of infant development, no matter how the true self develops, even if it is fragile and declining, the true self is still the core of our personality organization. The fake self of is to create an environment no matter how you can so that the real self can have the opportunity to survive and develop.

Back to the topic, we can say that the need for fun and enjoyment in belongs to the true self, but it may be banned by some parents. may be met by many parents with conditions. As long as we listen to our mother's words and complete the tasks she requires, we can have many minutes of game time.

However, when we feel that our mother is stingy and strict, we will be very dissatisfied with our mother and we will accumulate a sense of extreme lack. When I grow up, my mother can't control us , and we can double down on ourselves.

Photo/"Little Joy"

There is another important feeling for the self, which is continuity. The adult world and the teenager world are very fragmented. We need to feel the self-continuity consistency in some way. The connection between and toys allows old boys to experience continuous satisfaction and joy, especially when our true self cannot experience satisfaction from the obedience of the false self.

Today’s topic

Have you ever had the behavior of “childhood retaliation compensation”?

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