As a negative emotion comes, the system collapses, and the brain stops thinking...
This is a situation we often encounter. No matter how high your IQ is, you are powerless in the face of emotions and immediately become irritable and impulsive. It seems that everyone deserves a beating! Or you are in a low mood and want to do nothing!
Why do you have these emotions?
Emotion is caused by the negative impact of external people, things, and things on you, or others infringe on your rights, or fall into an unbreakable dilemma, or encounter an unexpected misfortune...
For example, you are working well, you are reported by someone for some reason and called by the boss to talk to you,
You are very angry!
For example, if the team you like loses the ball, you are depressed for three consecutive days!
What should I do?
Since it is the "outer world" that causes your emotions, then you either change the world or control yourself!
So, most people usually choose the following three ways to deal with it when they are affected by negative emotions.
1. Release
I feel angry, my hands are surging, I waved my fists and hit the other party! Beating someone is illegal...
Then I will throw something! If you see what you want, don’t show me the price of
, which one is expensive and which one is smashed! Still very cruel. ......
Then I'm a little more civilized, I'll go eat and drink, and eat until I'm holding the wall! I went shopping crazily and went all the poor!
2. Tolerance
vents, it seems that the left and right are hurt, and it seems that I am very uneducated, so I have to pay attention to my image!
Then I will control my emotions, endure it in my heart, say nothing, and give you a smiling face.
really can't laugh?
Then let me calm down for a while! I won’t attack others, but please don’t bother me for the time being!
3. Transfer
to divert attention, do other things, and forget the pain or anger, such as crazy work, or playing cards all day long. ...... In short, let my life be filled with other things, leaving no room for my emotions to start!
But, are these methods really useful
You may have tried all the above three methods, but what are the results?
venting will cause secondary harm to others and yourself, and may also bring irreparable consequences...
Forbearance, long-term tolerance will cause serious psychological problems, such as depression , such as self-harm behavior...
transfer, although it can be temporarily forgotten during the day, and at night, when you are left alone, negative emotions will turn the tables, causing serious insomnia...
If emotions are compared to headaches and fever, how will we treat them?
Do you want to hold back and pretend that it is okay?
Or is it a slash on the hand to divert attention to the pain?
or freeze the head to cool your mind?
or even cut off your head?
You may think these methods are funny, but the way we deal with emotions now is the same as the way we treat our heads as we just said.
We regard emotions as the "problem itself"
We will tell the other party, please control your emotions; we will tell ourselves: either tolerate, be cruel, or get out. ......
Heart means that there may be problems in other parts of your body and you need to deal with it. For example, if a certain part is inflamed, or the body is infected with a certain virus, etc., you have to prescribe the right medicine to be effective.
But this is not the best treatment method...
What is the better treatment method?
When emotions come, you want to control them. It is too late, and your emotions are out of control!
Therefore, the way to eliminate negative emotions is not to wait until the emotions come before controlling them, but to prevent negative emotions from appearing at all!
So how to do it?
First of all, we need to have a correct understanding of emotions.
Emotion is a state expressed by inner feelings through the body.There are two keywords here:
1. Expression status
Emotion is a state, not the problem itself. To solve the problem, not to eliminate the state. If you have a fever, you need to find out where the body is inflamed and where there is something wrong, instead of just applying an ice bag on your head.
2. Inner Feeling
Inner Feelings are the cause of emotional state, so what causes different inner Feelings?
Let's take a look at an example: you are attending a training and listening very seriously. Suddenly the teacher rushed off the podium, snatched your phone, and shouted at you: "How did your parents teach you when they were young? Playing with your phone in class, do you know how to respect people! Are you sick?"
Then, in front of everyone, the more you scolded you, the more you became.
, how do you feel in your heart?
must be angry, will you stand up and fight back immediately? Even clenched his fists, ready to wave them at any time?
But, if you received this message before class:
"The teacher I shared with you today is a little mentally ill. I forgot to take medicine when I went out this morning. You have to be careful..."
Facing the scene just now, how will you feel?
Maybe it’s not because of anger but because of fear. It’s not because I want to fight back, but because I want to hide away quickly.
Why do the same scene, the same people, do the same thing, and you will show completely different emotional reactions.
There are two reasons here:
1. Because your understanding of the outer world has changed.
It turns out that you think the teacher is a normal person, but now you have become a crazy person! It is unreasonable for normal people to do this kind of behavior, but it is reasonable for a neurotic to do this kind of behavior.
2. You have lost control of the problems in front of you.
Teacher turned out to be a normal person. If you humiliate me like this, I have a way to deal with this situation. I will either fight back or knock you down; but if I face a lunatic, I really can't guarantee that I can mess with him. Who knows what he will do? It's scary, it's better to leave!
So, the real sources of negative emotions are two:
1. The situation where the beliefs do not match
is in conflict with your inner belief system, and you think it should be, but in fact it is very different.
For example, you think that as a teacher, you should be polite and role model, and his behavior does not meet the expectations of your belief system, and your emotions will naturally emerge.
Just like when we are emotionally up, the first sentence you say is usually: "How can you do this?"
This is the other person's behavior, which is inconsistent with your expectations of his behavior in your heart.
2. Insufficient ability
Can your ability solve the problem in front of you? If it can be solved, you will show a "confidence" emotion; if it can't be solved, you may show a "fear" or "fear".
For example, if you open the door and a mosquito flew into your house, you slapped your hands, that is, the mosquito died and your emotions did not fluctuate;
If a mouse comes in, your girlfriend will scream loudly in the room to show fear, because your girlfriend can't handle it! And you pick up your slippers, chase the mouse and beat it up, and drive it out of the house. At this time, the emotion you show is called "courage";
. If the door is opened and a tiger is rushing in, then the screaming loudly and running around will probably become you...
So, emotions are not caused by any external event! Emotion is never a problem!
Your belief system cannot understand the world in front of you, that's the problem! Your ability cannot handle the matter in front of you, and that is the reason.
So how do we specifically untie the seal of "negative emotions"?
1. Long-term care (preventing disease)
Once the emotions start to occur, it is difficult to control. We have already mentioned this just now.
So, in normal times, we need to take good care of our body and mind when we are not in emotions, so that negative emotions have no chance to appear. When others are anxious, angry, and sad, you can naturally show calmness and calmness. How to do
?
1. Improve problem-solving ability
As your ability improves, when you encounter the same situation, your emotional state will change.
For example, you are an ordinary person, and one day you are pulled to the front line of the war. Facing machine gun and artillery fire, facing bleeding and death, what you show must be fear, because you can't handle such a complex and dangerous situation, you are completely at a loss in that environment, don't know what to do, what can be done, what will happen in the next second, you don't even know where to go, your legs can't move, your heart is filled with fear, fear and helplessness...
Therefore, every soldier who goes to the front line must undergo very rigorous training, from physical training to fighting skills; from gun use to formation drills; from tactical theory to practical exercises; from how to deal with teammates falling down, to how to first aid you get shot... You have to learn and train repeatedly to form conditioned reflex-level abilities before you can be sent to the front line to fight.
What are these? These are to improve your ability to cope in a war environment.
Only after long and arduous training and having these abilities can you move forward bravely in the rain of bullets, be calm in the screams, and be fearless in the fields!
Heroic, confident, calm..., these are the results of being able to provide guarantees.
2. Establishing a positive belief system
belief is how you understand the world. What do you think this world is “should” be like? How should your friend or lover treat you? What kind of feedback do you "should" get when you do some actions?
Every set of universal philosophy and every religious temple represents a belief system, telling you what the world should be like, how the relationship between people should be "should" get along with, and what kind of behavioral codes everyone should "should" abide by...
There is no right or wrong between them, but once you accept a certain belief, you will add an additional "should be like this" in your mind. Once the surrounding world does not meet this "should", it will immediately trigger your negative emotions, making you sad or angry!
For example, today is the first anniversary of your marriage with your husband:
You made an appointment to have a candlelight dinner together at 6 pm. Therefore, you spent 2 hours to dress up carefully and came to the agreed hotel 1 hour in advance to wait for your husband to arrive.
You originally thought that husband would pay special attention to today's date and arrived in advance, but unexpectedly, when 6 o'clock, the husband still did not show up, and you started to get a little angry! I made two consecutive calls but no one answered them.
Wait until 6:40, your husband arrived in a hurry and said that he was too late to get a traffic jam on the road. You immediately got angry and shouted to your husband: "Don't you know what day today? Why can't you come out early? Why don't you answer the phone? You have always been like this! Do you have any idea of time! Look at your clothes again, are you here to work? ...
Before the husband could explain, the lady picked up her bag and ran out of the hotel, completely forgot what the purpose of today's date was. Why is this happening to
?
is obviously a small matter, is it necessary to get so angry?
Because there may be three beliefs in this lady's mind, which were triggered by this "late":
1. Punctuality is the most basic emphasis on people and things.
If you are not on time, you just don't pay attention to me, don't pay attention to this date, you don't love me!
2. If I attach so much importance to this date, you should pay attention to it as much as I do.
I put on makeup for this for 2 hours and arrived at the hotel 1 hour in advance, but you can't even guarantee that you can't even be on time! I also ran over in a waiter's shirt. What does it mean?
3. I call and my husband should answer it immediately.
You are already late and don’t know how to send a message to apologize. You haven’t answered the phone call yet. What do you want to do? Do you have me in your heart?
Once the reality does not match the expected "should" in your mind, negative emotions will surge out because your "world order" collapses!
If the three beliefs in the mind of women do not change, then they will be sand racks next time because of the same thing. For example, a man wears the wrong clothes again, returns the phone late, and is 20 minutes late...
And these problems may be at all when facing another girl who "does not care about time and clothing in the belief system", there may be no problem at all.
Therefore, if you want to show different emotional states in the same situation, show understanding and gentleness and consideration, it is not to control your emotions on the spot, but to change your belief system.
So, which belief system should you learn?
There are countless beliefs on the market, from "The Analects of Confucius" to " Bible ", from religion to philosophy, from folk sayings to chicken soup for the soul... There are a lot of excellent beliefs, values, and rules in it, and some belief systems are very complete.
There is no right or wrong between them. If you choose any of them to study in depth, you can change your understanding of the world and your understanding of how you deal with people. When the understanding changes, the emotions will naturally change.
For example, if the woman in the example is a person who studies the Analects of Confucius, she may say:
"Don't tell me what I'll do, don't advise me when I'll do it, and don't blame me for the past."
We cannot change what has happened, so there is no need to say it. Let's complete the candlelight dinner after it is done.
For example, if a woman in the example is a person who reads the Bible, encountering the above situation,
She may say, "Love is forever patience and kindness."
I should accept him unconditionally, from his perspective and consider him. He will feel uncomfortable when he is late, so let me treat him better. No matter which belief system you choose, the purpose is the same. It is to allow yourself to gain spiritual freedom more easily, not be trapped by troubles and sufferings, and to feel happiness and happiness.
So I also recommend a belief system here that will benefit me a lot for your reference.
This belief system is very short, with only 12 items, but if you can use these 12 items to understand the world and understand your relationship with others, your thinking will not be trapped in the cage of emotions, and you will be more tolerant in dealing with people and things, and your mentality will become positive. This system is the 12 premise assumptions in NLP.
- No two people are the same
- One person cannot control the other person
- It is more important than making sense
- Only the world is shaped by sensory experience, there is no absolute real world
- The meaning of communication lies in the other party's response
- Repeat the old practice, and only the old result
- Everything must have at least three solutions
- Everyone chooses to give themselves Best-interest behavior
- Everyone already has the resources to make themselves successful and happy
- In any system, the most flexible part is the part that can affect the overall situation.
- has not failed. Only feedback
- motivation and emotions will not be wrong, but the behavior has no effect
I want to invite you to read these 12 more times when you have time, and even recite them, so that they can be integrated into your blood, become your belief system, and use these 12 to deal with people. Whenever you encounter sad, sad, and angry things, come back and look at these 12 points, and your heart will always return to stability, get rid of the shackles of emotions, and find new solutions.
There is no skill in learning beliefs, just believe it, just like the mind and formulas of martial arts. You should always keep it in mind and use this to guide your thinking and actions.
2. Emergency treatment (treatment of disease)
What should I do if your ability is not enough, the belief system has not been established and the emotions suddenly come?
Is there any better way to deal with it besides venting, endurance and transfer?
There are some, divided into three steps:
Step 1: Consciously
First, you must realize that you are in an emotional state and express your current emotions to yourself in your heart. For example, if you are getting angry, you must silently recite in your heart: "I am getting angry now..."
When you know you are "angry", your anger will be reduced by half because your rational brain begins to work, rather than a completely closed state.
Step 2: Understand
"Why am I angry? What is my motivation? What do I want to get by getting angry? Is there a better way to get it?"
If you can't find the motivation, then think about which belief is the other party or the peripheral world that violated you? You think it should be like this, but in fact it has become that way? Is this belief itself correct?
Step 3: Convert
Are there any negative words in your emotional expression?
try to convert it into a positive statement; among the 12 premises and assumptions, which one can explain the current situation and which one can give you strength? Try to use it to replace your original beliefs; can this motivation be achieved in other ways? If you don’t have enough ability, who else can you find to help you?
If you can successfully move to the third step, you can turn an emotional problem into a specific problem, pulling it back from the emotional explosion to rational thinking.
At this time, you have a way to solve it!
