will write to us, telling them about the "bumpy" experience of finding their partner. At the beginning, they didn’t look right at all, and sometimes they got dirty when getting along with each other. There were also conflicts between marriage and each other’s family, leading to divorce. Of...
Today, we are here to share our skills on how to manage a good relationship between the sexes, to help everyone avoid detours in mate selection, to make love smoothly, and to have a happy marriage.
1
Like is the prerequisite for a happy relationship
To achieve a good relationship, the biggest prerequisite is to like, that is, "attract." Before
, a reader Xiaoyu asked a question. She has a blind date. She has good conditions in all aspects. She meets her 95% standard and talks well with each other, but she is not interested in boys. This made her very confused, wondering if feelings can be cultivated? The question of
is common to many older single young women: what is like? Is
"conforming to standards" on the cognitive level or "attractive" on the perceptual level?
Today we analyze from three aspects:
first, unlock correctly, and have a correct order.
In many cases, the so-called mate selection criteria are just our rational thinking or cognitive issues.
We will find that once the right person comes, those standards may not be established.
Therefore, a correct unlock sequence is not from cognition to behavior, nor is it that we first have standards, first ideas, and then I choose such people from behavior.
Instead, look for the feeling first.
is to first look for those who can attract you, at this level, and then see if they do not meet the conditions on your cognitive level.
Second, there is a voting right issue between attraction and subsequent running-in. What is
this girl's so-called "blind date 95% meets my criteria"?
This is a bit like a company's dividends, which is a matter of interest. However, attraction is a question of "voting rights" and "veto rights."
In other words, among all the interests, attraction has a veto power.
If two people are just beginning to be together, they will reject them in various ways. Basically, the two people don't have to go back. This is meaningless and worthless.
is only at the beginning, two people are attracted to each other, and then consider whether to go back.
In fact, this is also one of the things that we have repeatedly used to popularize science: two people together, attraction is difficult to cultivate.
because what attracts is the fireworks at that moment, and the feeling of involuntary moments. The weight of this part should be the highest in mate selection.
On this basis, after passing the one-vote veto, in fact, the latter part does not necessarily have to be as high as 95%. After
has passed the voting barrier, everyone can figure out one thing: What do you want the least?
does not need to list a bunch of so-called conditions. Diploma, education, social status, and family conditions are actually bonus points.
For example, people who are emotionally unstable don't want it, or people who are not focused don't want it, etc. After
passes the attraction level, remove one or two of the least wanted ones, and the rest can be run-in.
Third, not everyone has to be classified into intimate relationships.
People will experience many things in their lives and meet many people. Some people can develop into couples, and they can also become couples who spend their lives together. However, some people do not have to develop into intimate relationships and become like-minded friends. Not bad.
is like the blind date of the reader Xiaoyu, who can talk with her from quantum mechanics to artificial intelligence, and can also appreciate aesthetics together. Although
lacks the feeling between men and women, isn't it a good thing to be a "best friend in life"?
2
Running-in is the key to having a happy relationship
A man and a woman fall in love at first sight and attract each other. After the “voting barrier” mentioned above, the next question is running-in. How does
spend the run-in period? Let's first explain the four methods, and welcome everyone to add in the comment area.
first, adjust expectations.
haveMany people have unrealistic expectations about emotions because they fall in love at first sight or fall in love quickly.
For example, reader Li Li and her boyfriend are relatively matched in terms of their conditions, and they belong to the type that is deeply attracted to each other when they meet for the first time. At first, her boyfriend was meticulous, but after a while, Li Li found that her boyfriend's tone and attitude were no longer as gentle as before. She didn't cherish herself so much, and she felt very uncomfortable.
In fact, the reader girl Li Li was immersed in the initial perfection of this relationship, and the subsequent gap was caused by her wrong expectations of this relationship.
Our reasonable expectation for relationships is that relationships cannot always be constant. There is no relationship between
that is immutable forever, it must change.
For girls, the most intuitive change is that they feel that the other party is not so caring. This is actually an inevitable fact after the love aura retreats.
Many people feel this way especially after getting married.
When faced with this situation, we must learn to readjust our expectations of the relationship, that is, the relationship is always changing.
If we hope that the relationship will always be maintained at the first second of seeing each other, then the feeling of whiteness and flawlessness will never be able to manage any relationship.
Second, live at this moment, do not bring the previous relationship into the current relationship.
Many girls often say: "I have had the experience of being cheated. Although I believe in love, there is still a shadow."
What we need to know is that this is a thing about girls in the past and has nothing to do with boys now.
saw the problem of derailment in the last relationship, don't bring it into this relationship, now the boys are not derailed.
Therefore, the homework that girls need to practice is self-regulation, learn to deal with the things in the previous relationship by themselves, and don't bring problems into this relationship.
If you want to get through the running-in period, it is very important to deal with the problems in the previous relationship.
Third, exercise communication skills.
Many couples who can't make it through the running-in period have encountered communication problems.
For example, some girls tend to overinterpret each other's words when chatting with the opposite sex. The other person says: "I'm leaving", and the girl says "Forget it, sleep!"
The boy tried to ease the embarrassment and said: "I will go to Taobao to buy a keyboard and kneel. "The
girl turned back: "Speaking of me being so violent, when did I be so violent!" The chats like
are simply the scene of a car accident, and the over-sensitivity led to the death of God.
In fact, when a man and a woman are chatting, they are given a step down, and the chat ends happily.
Therefore, a very important point in communication skills is to learn to step down each other and not to over-interpret.
fourth, adjust your mentality.
All highly sensitive girls must learn to do one thing: learn to coexist with their own sensitivity.
In Taoist thought, there is an important idea called "uselessness".
Many people can see that they are very sensitive, and always regard sensitivity as a shortcoming. This is because they have not learned to coexist with sensitivity, and they have not learned to use this sensitivity in useful places.
How can you coexist with your own sensitivity?
For example, more than ten years ago, I found out that I was a super sensitive person, so I used it in the right place, called "working in the emotional industry or in the field of psychology". In this way, my sensitivity becomes my weapon.
There are two sides to everything in us. If we use it in the right place, it will become an important weapon in our lives, but if it is used inappropriately, it may in turn hurt others and ourselves.
Therefore, all sensitive people in the workplace can combine their own characteristics to choose some places where they can play their sensitive advantages.
For example, engaged in some work related to psychology, expression, art and other fields.
At the same time, learn to avoid problems caused by sensitivity in intimate relationships and learn to coexist with your own sensitivity.
A sensitive person cannot become a very dull person.
must realize that your sensitivity is a problem you have created for yourself. Don’t over-interpret the other party’s information because of sensitivity as in the example in the chat log.
If you have this moment, remember to remind yourself that this is not the other party's problem, it is the trouble that our sensitivity brings to us. This is an important mentality building, learn to coexist with your own characteristics, and at the same time, let it play in a most useful place.
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