In your life, have you ever met people who passively avoid ?
Some people often do not reply to your messages . Just when you think they will never appear again, they will say something again, as if the previous disappearance never happened.
Some people become "serious" when they hear others giving opinions or reasoning with them . They constantly focus on small things and want to explain them clearly to you to prove that they are right.
There are also people who stay silent when faced with conflicts, enter the room, silently check their mobile phones, watch TV, go out for a walk, or meet friends for a drink.
Some people are usually very talkative and can do anything, but suddenly they get angry over a trivial matter, making it difficult for people to understand .
Are you often annoyed when you meet a passive avoidant? Instead of complaining and arguing endlessly in pain, it is better to calm down and take a look at what a passive avoidant is like.
01 Dealing with general relationships in life
Avoiding parties or invitations from others.
For example, finds various reasons to refuse to attend gatherings of colleagues or friends because he feels that others are not safe. If he gets close, others may take control and hurt himself.
is particularly polite.
For example, when someone gives you a gift, you must find a way to reciprocate it. You cannot owe favors to avoid being controlled by others. ; I would rather I treat you better than accept your kindness to me, because if you accept your kindness to me, I will owe you and I need to make up for it, which makes me feel very unsafe.
is hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
is enthusiastic on the surface . When they are together, they talk and laugh, and they seem to be very good friends with each other. This also makes some people mistakenly think that they are the avoidant's friends. But once they are separated, the avoidant can suddenly disappear, as if the relationship has been severed. When they reappear, it seems that the relationship is very good, and it seems that there was no alienation in the middle.
sever ties.
can be very kind to people and give a lot, but while giving, if they never get the love or recognition they want, they will slowly accumulate dissatisfaction, and accounts will be written down one by one.
is very sensitive to others in the environment.
In interpersonal communication, you will judge whether the other person likes you based on the other person's expression and body language. If you feel that the other person does not like you very much, then stay away and respond coldly. Because there is no need to be hot and cold. If others don't care about me, then I don't care about them.
02 Dealing with conflict in intimate relationships
is unwilling to have conflict in relationships.
is very scared when faced with a tense atmosphere. He goes to read, walk, chat with friends, drink, or go out for a walk by himself. However, is unwilling to communicate with the other party, because arguing cannot solve the problem, and he dare not talk about his inner feelings. Anyway, the other party is not satisfied with him.
thought that his forbearance and avoidance were his contribution to the relationship.
In intimate relationships, avoiders are full of helplessness and lack of action.
deals with negative feelings by being closed and numb; thinks that he is a failed partner and is not qualified; feels that he is being judged by his partner and cannot be accepted; wants to deal with problems by denying the problems in the relationship and the need for emotional attachment; does anything to avoid the anger and denial of his partner; uses rational problem solving to avoid emotional communication.
03 Deal with the relationship with oneself
The relationship with oneself, cut off contact
Often do not know their own feelings, and some people will develop super rationality.
This is because when you were growing up, you may have experienced that when you cried, begged for mercy, or expressed vulnerability, the caregiver not only did not comfort you, but even felt disgusted. How could you be so pretentious that it might lead to punishment.
Avoiding, suppressing, and ignoring feelings is the only way to keep your childhood self alive. Otherwise, what else can you do?
So, often, as long as you forget and don't pay attention, your mood will be fine and you can still live, and you will be numb.
works too hard to be safe and avoid being criticized.
pursues excellence and perfection. When the external standards are clear, they try their best to meet the standards.
When the external standards are not clear, they set extremely high standards for themselves in their hearts. They try their best to achieve their own standards. Although they don’t know whether they can avoid being criticized, they have worked hard and can only do their best and accept the results.
People with passive avoidance have summarized their survival strategies from their own life experience, which is to keep distance in relationships for safety; in terms of performance, they pursue excellence and work excessively for safety.
04 My inner view of myself
I am not worthy of others loving me, I am not worthy.
When I was a child, I was a good child and worthy of rewards only if I did well enough. If I did nothing, I would receive kindness from others. This was incomprehensible. I had no effort or dedication, so how could I accept kindness from others for no reason?
I am not qualified to enjoy this good thing. I feel uneasy because I know that I am not worthy and do not deserve to be treated like this.
I am not qualified. No matter what I do, I cannot meet other people's standards.
Others are always measuring me to see if what I do is good enough. I have to work hard to satisfy others .
However, in marriage, the other party always seems to be dissatisfied with various things. I have done everything he asked, so why are he still dissatisfied with me?
No matter what I do, he will not be satisfied. I am just not qualified.
05 Inner view of others
Others are not safe.
Could there be more and higher expectations and demands hidden behind the kindness others treat me?
Will I be blamed if I fail to achieve it?
I can't tell others my feelings, otherwise others will take advantage of me and may control me; I can't let him know my vulnerability, and I can't let him know how much I love him, otherwise he will feel that I can't live without him, and I will lose the advantage in the relationship, and he may abandon me.
Once others discover the real me, they will not like me.
Therefore, show the best side to others, and hide the fragile and unbearable side , so as not to lose the recognition and appreciation of others, and instead attract others to look down on and dislike you.
Only by being perfect can you not let others down.
I don’t know what others will say about me. I can only try my best to do my best and pursue perfect . Even so, I still need to endure a fear of others being disappointed with me, but there is no way. I have tried my best.
could only try my best with fear. In the end, I could only endure the anxiety.
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Author: Wen Xiaoliang Consultant
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Editor: bird man
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