Topic 1
"What does happiness have to do with it"
Qingyin : Speaking of happiness, what do you think determines our happiness index? For example, is it because of money, a good health, or something else?
In fact, there are long-standing research results on the topic of happiness Harvard University . Harvard University spent 62 years doing a research to track fresh graduates, asking only one question every year, Do you feel happy?
Then collect various data that appear in their lives to make a comparison. They found that money can indeed affect a person's happiness. When money is not enough, adding a little money will improve our sense of happiness.
Take me as an example. When I was young, I was very poor. If I could get a candy, I would be very happy. But today, I may not feel much, and I don’t even feel much if I get a car or a house. In addition, when the money reaches a certain level, the additional part cannot increase your sense of happiness.
Another one is about Disease . Many people have a misunderstanding: If I have a good body, I will be happy. Qingyin, when you are sick, your relatives and friends care about you very much, are you lucky?
Qingyin: I feel like I have a fever occasionally, I stay in bed, and then my family beat an egg and made a dough. This is also a very happy thing.
Huang Qituan : Yes. Harvard's research found that some people are actually unhealthy and they feel quite happy. On the contrary, some people are healthy and unhappy. So what does happiness have to do? Finally, their landing point falls on a point, relation .
For example, when I get home, I can get a hug from my wife, my daughter can come over happily to talk to me, I get recognition from my colleagues in the company, and when I give lectures, I feel full of happiness.
Happiness comes more from the relationship between us and others . If a person’s interpersonal relationship is not good, just like in the past, I quarrel with my wife when I went home, quarrel with colleagues at work, and quarrel with passers-by when I went out, can I be happy no matter how rich I am?
But this research result is a bit regrettable. It does not provide a way to improve your relationship. I want to make a supplement.
A person with a good relationship, First of all, you must have love in your heart .
Only when you have love in your heart can you see someone. When you think of someone, your connection with others begins to become harmonious and happy.
When you have no love in your heart, your heart is scarce, just like we are hungry and the focus is on finding food. When I lack love, I will definitely reach out to love. When I can't reach out to get it, I will become accusation: Why don't you love me! There will be conflicts between partners.
The reasons for the bad relationship between husband and wife are many of the reasons for Because of lack of love in the heart . To heal, you have to go back to that starting point, Self-worth .
How do you come from your self-worth? To grow up, we need to eat a lot of material and nutrition, such as protein , vitamin , starch, sugar, etc. So should we grow up mentally?
To become mature, it actually requires nutrition. There is a teacher named Dr. Lin Wencai . She proposed a very interesting word, called " Psychological Nutrition ", which is our spiritual food.
When a person grows up, he gains a lot of spiritual food, that is, he is recognized, affirmed, loved, accepted, cared for, and seen, then his mentality is rich.
A rich person will share, so love is a kind of sharing, a kind of dedication, not a kind of demand.
A person who lacks love will ask for it. A person who asks for it has no interpersonal relationships, only a dedicated person will have relationships.
The second point is also very important, that is, our thinking can open .
If we always think that we are right and others are wrong, we cannot tolerate others, and everyone has different opinions. If we cannot tolerate other people's opinions, we will argue, quarrel, and conflict.
Through learning, I began to slowly open up the width of my thinking, and basically achieved the The saying Confucius said, "A gentleman is harmonious but different." Harmony but different is a psychological premise, that is, to be able to be sufficiently tolerant.
There is a sociologist named Toled . The Toled html's law he developed says: It depends on whether a person's intelligence is superior, it depends on whether his mind can accommodate two completely different views, but it does not hinder him from acting.
This is actually very simple. It refers to Chinese Tai Chi . Doesn’t Tai Chi have yang in yin, but is there yin in yang?
If we can do these two things, we have love in our hearts and our self-worth is high enough. Second, the ideological dimension is large enough. Your interpersonal relationships will be better, and happiness is a natural thing.
Qingyin: So what we need to do is adjust our cognition, then heal ourselves and grow ourselves. When we grow up, our sense of self-worth is improved, our cognitive boundaries are broadened, and we will naturally make the relationship more harmonious and happy.
Topic 2,
"How to change a person"
Qingyin: We often say that this person is easy to change his nature and difficult to change. But when you were talking just now, it was easy to change someone. Why do you say so?
In fact, it is true that the country is easy to change and the nature is difficult to change. This is correct, because the nature really cannot be changed.
What is nature? Psychology also calls it innate temperament.
Have you ever discovered that you have a certain personality innately? This personality cannot be changed. After changing it, you will suffer. This is called innate traits. There is no need to change this innate characteristic, just like ten fingers have lengths, and each finger has the function of each finger.
For example, the most common ones are introvert and extrovert. Some people like to communicate with people outside, while some people like to be alone. There is no good or bad. Every personality is helpful and has its meaning to life.
The problem is what is our psychology going to change? is not changing our natural shortcomings, but a certain solidified idea caused by certain experiences in the process of growing up.
This solidified idea will cause post-traumatic stress disorder, it will make people lose the meaning of life, it will make people retreat, it will make people allergic, it will make people block, it will make people isolate, we need to change this part, and this part can be changed.
Qingyin: So changing a person’s core is not changing his innate things, but changing his cognition.
changes his restrictive beliefs and ideas caused by certain frustrated experiences.
Then why do some people say that changing is difficult, but I think changing is easy? There is a secret here, most people’s changes are cognitive changes, not real changes.
There is a crow that thinks its feathers are black and not good-looking. It envies the feathers of peacocks very much, so it goes everywhere where peacocks appear, picks up the feathers that fall from peacocks, inserts them on themselves, and then becomes very beautiful. It disdains to deal with similar people, so it mixes into the peacock group.But it was soon discovered by the peacock, and then the peacock pecked away its feathers and drove it out of the flock. The crow is very sad, but it can no longer return to its original crow flock, so it can only live alone, but it is unwilling to admit its failure. It is called: I am practicing .
Many people are the same. We call it Avoidance social , which is to find a rational reason for yourself. The change in cognition is like a feather inserted into a crow, which is ineffective. True change comes from within us, and change the thoughts and beliefs that arise from us. Only such changes can truly change.
Psychology courses have many experiences. If you don’t experience your pain and you don’t release the emotions that make your beliefs persistent, your beliefs are difficult to reverse, which is why it is difficult to change. In the process of learning psychology in , I learned that the core of change is that the first step is to release emotions and let them enter the experience.
The second step is very important, and the change is not the teacher who will help you change. Because others cannot let you change, because belief is as hard as diamond . To polish diamonds, you must use diamonds, and only his own beliefs can change his beliefs.
So the secret of change,
the first step to release emotions.
Step 2, be aware. Awareness is seeing.
I often use an analogy, suppose there is a sharp fruit knife in your position, and you don’t see it, and you sit down, will this knife cause harm to you? But if you see it, you will take the knife away and it will not hurt you. The same is true for beliefs. When we see a wrong belief, a belief that has a negative impact on us, we will re-choose.
Change is a re-choice after releasing emotions. First, release emotions. The second is to see, and the third is to re-choice.
Why so many changes have occurred in the classrooms of some well-known scholars is because the students are letting them release their emotions first. The second step is to let him see it, just like seeing the sharp fruit knife, and then let him make a new choice.
In addition, No one wants to be changed by others unless he feels that you love him. Because your love will make him feel warm. After he feels warm, he will be willing to look at himself again, and he will change.
The wind cannot make people take off their clothes. The bigger the wind blows, the tighter the people wrap. Only the sun can change it, because the sun is warm, people will automatically take off their clothes. Why I say it's easy to change, because I know the secret.
