Many things cannot withstand the erosion of time. Sadness can slowly dissipate, longing will gradually disappear, and pain will eventually scab. Even the relatives who have been with me for a long time are slowly getting old and then leaving at a certain moment.

Day 730, two years, the third year of knowing you.

In the past, I always liked to use grand and extreme words to express my feelings and longing for you, but "forever" is too far away, "lifelong" is too long, and "always" makes people unable to see the end. Many things cannot withstand the erosion of time. Sadness can slowly dissipate, longing will gradually disappear, and pain will eventually scab. Even the relatives who have been with me for a long time are slowly getting old and then leaving at a certain moment. What you want to hold, hold, and keep are scattered all the time, memory is blurred, the figure will return to darkness, and the sound is so faint that only two lips are opened and closed. So I was sad and paranoid in digging everything related to you from my mind, forcing myself to think back and remember repeatedly, and I was a little powerless.

What does feelings bring to people? I don't know much. A love breakup should make people grow up, you are an unusual experience for me. I can't even be sure whether I'm a broken heart. I'm silently loving someone without a reply. It's useless to touch myself many times. The person who cares about you has never appeared in your life. You never mention anything related to me, like a black hole that can never be approached, I should have understood and seen clearly. Like makes people stupid, and turn a blind eye to so many flaws. If you blindly worship and devote yourself to your whole body and soul, you become my whole sky. If your dark clouds are filled with thunderstorms, and if your sunshine is clear, you will be singing and dancing.

I had fantasized about waking up from a dream on an ordinary night, looking at you lying beside you, with thick eyelashes, breathing evenly, feet that clamped my thighs and arms that were resting between my neck. The moonlight gently spreads on your face through the window, the stars flickering in the night sky, and the chaotic insects and frogs outside the house are all as beautiful and charming as fairy tales. I turned around and hugged you tightly, breathing the air you exhaled, making my chest press against your chest, slowly adjusting my heartbeat frequency, gently kissing your lips, and rubbing you into my body. The picture is beautiful, so beautiful that it never appears in a dream. Every dream related to you is short. When the pain and danger you endure cannot be eliminated, waking up is the only relief. The heavy and depressing situations in the dream are often shrouded in gray fog, standing back to back, holding hands tightly, and the cold and rough indifference of the walls comes from between your fingers. Many times I end my dreams in silence and pursuit. When I wake up, my chest feels as painful as being pressed by a huge rock. Whether it is at three in the morning or five in the morning, it is difficult to fall asleep again. Those times are as long as drowning.

I know you are not my moon, but some days the moonlight has indeed shone on me. So I was obsessed with that beam of light. I thought it was light, the dawn that saved me. I struggled hard and wanted to put you in my heart and become my unique memory. I didn’t want others to touch you. And you escape desperately and then fall into the arms of others. I hate you, you let me fall into a mud bath and can't extricate myself; I complain that I haven't grown to the way you like; I'm crazy, I still miss you for so long.

I saw an article. When the author accidentally learned that the person who brought him pain died, the hatred in his heart for more than ten years suddenly disappeared, and his heart felt like a broken arm was vaguely painful. No matter how long it has been, no matter how hateful it is, we have never really wanted to hurt the person we have loved. My narrow mind cannot bear to see you unhappy and cannot tolerate you disappear from this world. I feel fear when I think of one day if I can never find your trace again and there will be no news about you again. You say you are "fearing feelings", and I am afraid of you, losing and getting, embracing and separation are also unforgettable.

Tonight came to your parking place again. The white body, black tires and the antennas set on the roof have not changed at all, just like last year, just as ordinary as other vehicles, without any surprises. I looked and looked quietly. Maybe you just left, and your body temperature and breath remained in the car.There are occasionally people entering and leaving the barber shop. The lights from the door slanted through the glass were already a little dim when they shone through the roadside. The dim lights on the street lights always give people sticky and bloody vomiting palpitations . Suddenly I wanted to drink and smoke. I imagine that I would start from here like today last year, and go to the bus stop of Xinhe Avenue, Zhangpu Primary School and the intersection. While drinking, dig out memories, sewing and tearing them apart. It is reluctance, commemoration, expectation, scars that cannot be healed, darkness that cannot be crossed, abyss that cannot be climbed, and weak water that cannot be reached on the shore. Psychologically, alcohol can temporarily paralyze the nerves, but in the long run, it will be more likely to make people depressed. The feeling of tobacco choking on his chest can easily conceal and divert pain, so the tears shed have a more reasonable explanation. I can’t remember how many times I have come to this place. When I am happy, I have a glimpse from afar, satisfied and full of hope; when I am sad, I stay and my life is at an extreme, I would rather die like this in the next moment; when I am calm, I will let everything return to nature, forget what should be forgotten and what should be kept, it is already beautiful to have it.

On ordinary days, I thought I no longer miss you. But every time you drink, you will climb into your heart like thousands of ant . I cried, got crazy, collapsed, and felt so heartbroken that I almost wanted to die. I just held the wine bottle and hit the bottle mouth with my head one by one. The pain in my body can divert the focus of my nerves and paralyze the pain of my mind. Sobbing and shaking shoulders, dripping tears mixed with snot that could not be taken into account by trying to control emotions, laying a large pool of slut on the floor, ridiculous and disgusting. But many things cannot be exchanged for tears, and some people cannot be seen by crying. "If you never forget, there will be a resounding sound" is just a deception that you will never reach. When feelings are disillusioned, all expectations are cruel.

Close your eyes and always appear a person walking in the dark, like walking in the desert or in a bamboo forest by the river. It is deep and cold around you. The sound of water flowing and the sound of swaying and slapping of bamboo in my heart outlined the new grave with eternal lights in my heart. The villain made of straw in front of the grave is clearly visible, as if he has been abandoned by the whole world and trapped in a dark and sinful cage. I had a dream some time ago. In the dream, I kept walking in the mountains covered with grey fog, without a goal, and walked forward blindly and without direction. After walking for a long time, I finally thought of finding someone, someone I could not lose if I could hide from me and could not chase. When I woke up, I was full of you in my mind, and my violent heartbeat seemed to have crossed thousands of mountains and rivers.

During National Day, I went to Guanyin Temple on Shizishan and worshiped from the foot of the mountain to the top of the mountain. Perhaps because the worship was too much, the inertia left behind. The family even said that Wenqu Xingjun and Yue Lao were worshipped all over. The Moon Master dared not worship randomly, and he was carrying unspeakable secrets in his heart. He did not dare to expect or believe some things. He looked back and retreated from it and accepted his fate. When worshiping Guanyin, many thoughts popped up in my mind. While praying to get out of this relationship quickly, I also shouted in my heart that I wanted to have more stories with you. Will there be punishment for praying for blessings in front of the Bodhisattva? Will there be any punishment? Will the Bodhisattva be confused by me, and I don’t know what to bless me.

html At the beginning of October, the phone broke and a lot of data was lost before I had time to backup. It was a pity to think about it. Many of the things left behind since you met you were locked in the privacy space, and they were all lost. In August of the previous year, I deleted the screenshot of my chat with you. Even though I loved it very much, my rationality was still there, and I could still restrain myself and have the willingness to break free. Active deletion and passive loss are emotionally different, although I regret losing those sweetness and only warmth later, it seems that everything is the best process to look at it for a long time. Because I have lost it, I understand how heavy and deep the suffocation in my heart is. So when I add you back on WeChat again, I will irrationally and madly pester you to death. Then you will be the only antidote to life, and you will not be able to survive without you.

I still remember the first time I went running in June last year was because my friend said running can relieve his mood. He always mentioned that his depression improved greatly after running. Just then, like him, I had insomnia and dreams for a long time and could not get out of my depression. But I didn’t expect that this run lasted intermittently for two years. This is also another change you have brought to me. It makes people think that life is a wealthy person. There are not many such people! Hang up your headphones, face the rising sun, wander in the fresh air, flowing in the music, your body and soul separate, half towards reality, and half thinking about you. When I ran to JuRen's house that day, a stranger who was running towards me suddenly said, "Good morning! You are so awesome!" Then he gave a thumbs up, and his heart suddenly became much wider, and the haze in his heart disappeared in an instant! You see, I am very satisfied easily, just a simple greeting. Sometimes I hear the concerts I like playing over and over again. The song " Seven Friends " by Liang Hanwen has been heard from the moment I went out to the time I went home to take a shower. The sadness and memories swelled in my heart. I missed you as usual in the morning run, but I saw the shadows under the sun, the darkness behind the reality and the deep sigh of restlessness on countless nights. Running brings me a period of freedom, a paradise where I forget everything and think of you all. Every time I run, it feels like I have been with you for a morning. Only those who cannot get need illusions and those where I vacant need to be filled with bubbles.

Those days I just separated were filled with your illusions. I would like to watch the sea, climb mountains, watch movies, go shopping with you... I would like to watch the sun disappear on the horizon side by side with you. Although I live in the same city now, I am most likely to see each other again in this life. The book says that if two people did not have enough blessings in their previous lives, they would never meet again even if they lived in the same place after they were separated. Every morning when passing by a traffic light near your home, I will look up and look at you for a while. If we still have a narrow connection, we can still look at you from a distance.

This is just eight kilometers from home to the company, and there are so many thoughts left in my mind about you. The fantasies and expectations for you are overlapping the gloomy and deep sky of this city, squeezing every corner of your heart, and the child's laughter and sunset cannot melt it. Life is really not easy. How many people need comfort, and how many people are struggling with life is being pushed down by the burden of reality. Out of self-protection, the body will deliberately hide and erase some painful memories. It is difficult for me to recall the various feelings I have felt over the past two years, as if I have to take root in a land that does not belong to me at all. But the boat is on your side, my dear, as long as you try it, try again... When will you put your boat to cross me?

Zhang Ailing says the best love is not to bother and not give up. Since there is no fate to go together, then choose to give up. If the blessings I cultivated in my previous life are not enough, and I can't forget or let go, not disturbing or giving up may be the final compromise. After two years of suffering and internal friction, I have already had a result in my heart, but I can't forget the person who is immersed in the bone marrow and embedded in the soul like a shadow. I have a lot of things to say, but it seems that I can't even say a word. What's the use of thousands of words? If my heart is not there, no matter how deep my affection is, it will be like garbage thrown away by the roadside.

It’s easy to love or not, forget or forget. If you feel more pain, you will become numb. Just think about it. Just think about it, just like what a friend said, "If you like someone so devotedly, you will be proud. No matter what you experience, remember to be grateful and kind." It's just that self-pride is a bit sarcastic, and you don't need to remember gratitude and kindness...

on November 27, 2022