When the intimate needs of a partner are completely opposite, their relationship will never be a paradise full of sweetness, but will instead embark on a difficult journey full of storms.
She has lived with him for more than eight years and has been arguing about buying a washing machine for the past two years. He wants to buy it, but she objected. She usually goes to her sister's house to wash clothes on weekends and stays all day. She is a typical avoidant attachment style, so she leaves him alone whenever she has the chance. For him, who has an anxious attachment style, his requirements for washing machines are obviously different - he just wants to stay with her.
The differences about washing machines are just an appearance of the essential problem. The core of the problem is that with the establishment of intimate relationships and the continued life of common life, his and her attachment needs are simply contrary to each other.
is like whether the ex-girlfriend should be removed from the social network, whether he should keep in touch, there is no fixed answer in the principle of love, whether he should keep calling his boyfriend when he is going out to socialize, there is no right or wrong. In some cases, conflict is not at all about the problem itself, but the fundamental difference lies in the fact that the requirements for intimacy and the understanding of the meaning behind the intimacy between the two parties is completely different. A avoidant attachment style, wanting to keep a certain distance from the other party, so you will use various deactivation strategies, such as hiding your whereabouts, or keeping in touch with your ex even though you know that the other party cannot accept it. The other party was determined to break these boundaries he set between the two.
Whenever one of them tries to get closer, the other party feels more and more uncomfortable. This is very common when one of the partners is an avoidant attachment style.
When the partner disagrees on the intimate needs of love, the threats arise from this matter will spread throughout every little thing in daily life. And this situation is the so-called "anxiety-avoidance trap". Both of them were full of insecurity, the anxious side was catching up, and the avoiding side tried their best to hide. One party's activation mechanism presses against the other party's deactivation strategy step by step, eventually forming a vicious cycle, and intimate relationships enter a dangerous area.
Some typical phenomena that are prone to occur in anxiety-avoidance intimate relationships:
1. The "roller coaster" effect, ups and downs.
2. Emotional "seesaw"
Anxiety partners will unconsciously feel "lower" when the attachment mechanism is activated. People with avoidance attachment style feel independent and full of power.
3. Long-term unstable and has been in a stormy situation.
4. Arguing is just an illusion. The real problem is the different requirements for the degree of intimacy between the two parties.
5. Fall into the intimate trap and become the closest enemy.
Our pattern of getting along with our pets can provide some inspiration for our intimacy.
In fact, the way we get along with our pets is an excellent example of the safe way of getting along with us in life. Our attitude towards pets is always full of security and we don’t worry about their intentional harm. Even if they eat randomly or make a mess in the house, they won't blame them too much. We will still give them an intimate greeting when we get home, and we will not vent our anger even after a bad day outside. In short, we will give our pets unconditional love.
Fully understanding of its "working mechanism" is the most urgent task to gradually build a sense of security. Only after you have a full understanding can you further identify which paradigms of thinking, feeling and behavior, which will help you establish a sense of security.
By constructing our own attachment style catalog, we will re-examine our summary of our past intimacy from a completely new perspective. Through the attachment style catalog, we can reflect on and change some invalid beliefs attached to a specific memory, thereby building a more secure working mechanism.
Once a sense of security is established, a win-win situation will be formed for the two people in an intimate relationship: the anxious party can gain the intimacy that they desire, while the avoidant party can also enjoy more independence and meet their needs.
