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In life, have you ever quarreled with your partner?
believes in this question. Most people’s answer is that if you have quarrels, you must have quarrels. And you often can’t win, or you feel that you have not performed well after the quarrels, and even the more you quarrels, the less your relationship is, to the point where you can’t recover.
In fact, quarrels are not scary. What is scary is that you don’t know why you quarrel. If you quarrel today and tomorrow, the quarrel will eventually become a quarrel for the sake of quarrel, which will hurt the relationship between the couple. So, it is not quarrel that destroys intimacy, but that you will not quarrel effectively.
Today I recommend a book "How to Quarrel Correctly". The author of this book is a couple, Judith Wright and Bob Wright. These two people quarreled all year round and had a fierce quarrel, so they were questioned by their marriage consultant. It would be better to divorce if you quarrel like this. But Judith believes that both of them love each other deeply and quarrel because they want to influence each other and grow in this way.
But always quarreling is not a solution. The couple’s research found that it is not a quarrel that destroys the relationship between love and confusing, but does not quarrel effectively. In this book, the author gives the essence of quarrel and how to quarrel correctly between husband and wife, so that quarrel is no longer a consumption, but a longer lasting happiness.
01The wrong ideas in the quarrel
The ending of the fairy tale is that from then on the prince and the princess live a happy life. But in real life, two people entering marriage first face the problem of running in with each other.
In an intimate relationship, two people who grew up in different environments live in the same space, and it is normal for them to have conflicts and quarrels. Therefore, quarrel is the norm in life, it is not scary, it is because we used the wrong method.
For example, has a type of emotional ransomware couple. The commonly used saying that if you really love me, you should ... For example, if you really love me, you won’t always work overtime and not accompany me.
This is to kidnap the other party in the name of love. The logic behind it is that if you love me, you should unconditionally meet my requirements.
For example, shirk responsibility type quarrels, commonly used saying: I have said it a long time ago, it is all because of you, it is all your fault.
When the other party starts to blame, the two begin to fight for power. But after something bad happens, instead of arguing about who should be responsible, it is better to see how to find a way to clean up the mess.
There is also a common type of quarrel, which is the total negative type. The common saying of this type of quarrel is: you always, you never. It feels quite like he is beaten to death with one stick, because one of the other party’s mistakes directly denied the other party’s people. This can easily cause the other party to fight back and quarrel.
The last type of quarrel is the escape retreat type. The characteristic of this type of people is to escape quarrels. When the quarrel occurs, they quickly choose not to speak. It seems to be a calm person, but actually expresses protest and dissatisfaction with silence, which will easily anger the other party and is not conducive to solving the problem. Over time, the distance between the two people becomes farther and farther.
After reading these types of quarrels, you may say, I don’t want to, why does it become like this after arguing? What is the problem?
The reason is because of our wrong understanding of love and marriage. We always have unrealistic expectations and fantasies about another person in an intimate relationship. But in fact, conflicts between two people are inevitable. After all, even if you have lived with your parents for decades, there will still be conflicts.
We cannot expect two people not to quarrel. Behind the quarrel is our unsatisfied expectations. But we must quarrel correctly and effectively, so that quarrels can become a communication method to enhance feelings.
02The correct way to open a quarrel
First, when quarrel, you must have the courage to open your heart. Of course, when many people quarrel, it is easy to turn into a defensive mode, to prevent themselves from being hurt, to defeat the other party, to prove that they are smarter than the other party, etc.
So, we have to set certain rules for quarrels.
For example, when a quarrel, you should preset that the other party is kind, not malicious. You should choose to trust the other person, even if you know that the other person may be lying, because the cost of trust is lower than doubt and questioning, and then think about what the other person is afraid of lying.
You can also actively express your views and opinions about the other party, and allow the other party to defend yourself.
In short, we must maintain a frank and smooth communication channel, instead of guarding like a soldier, we can try to put down our weapons and open our hearts with a win-win mentality.
Secondly, we must get rid of the constipation of thinking and behavior and liberate ourselves.
In marriage, we will project our beautiful expectations to our partner. For example, TA should tolerate me and TA should see my needs. Maybe in a passionate love, there is a halo of love, and both parties are willing to spend time to satisfy each other.
But when we enter marriage, our subconscious beliefs, myths about love, unopened knots, childhood attachment styles, etc. will all emerge and project onto each other, affecting and controlling our thoughts and behaviors.
At this time, we need to try to take risks and get along with each other. This method is to liberate oneself, which means that we must break some limited beliefs, take the initiative to , and take the initiative to change and grow. Use new ideas to guide your behavior.
For example, people will make mistakes, and I will make mistakes. You can’t just think that your partner has made a mistake and deny the other party.
For example, I have expectations for my partner, but my partner does not fully meet my expectations. After all, I will not satisfy all my partner's expectations.
For example, during the passionate love period, everyone will be a little proud, but when they enter marriage, there is not only love, but also life. Moreover, the shelf life of love is only two years, and couples are more of a cooperative relationship. These new beliefs such as
will help you look at the relationship from a different perspective, and naturally establish a new way of getting along with each other, and will not quarrel at any time. Even if you quarrel, it is to solve the problem and discuss the matter.
03 Conclusion
In an intimate relationship, it is abnormal not to quarrel, and quarrel is the norm, but quarrel is not for winning or losing, not for controlling the other party, but for resolving differences and solving problems. So how to quarrel becomes very important.
In this book "How to Quarrely" the couple who once quarreled so much that even the marriage consultant doubted whether they could continue, used their life experience to tell them that they would not quarrel, and quarrel ineffectively would only make the two go further and further. For effective quarrels, you must open your heart and get rid of the constipation of thinking and behavior. You can also use effective quarrels to enhance your intimate happiness.
#Marriage and Love Manual# #Emotional Comments Award# #No. 1 Worry-Thank you #
Author: Can’t remember the normal distribution of rose color, a full-time mother who loves reading and studying, is often both Buddha and depressed, and occasionally proactive psychological counselor, the world and I love you. Some of the pictures are from the Internet and the copyright belongs to the original author. If you have any copyright issues, please contact me in time to deal with it. Original works may not be reproduced without authorization.
