student said: "We have no quarrels or conflicts, but it's just too dull. This kind of ordinary marriage makes me feel lonely. Although I get married, it's the same as when I was single. Why are I even more lonely when I am in a marriage?"
talks about loneliness. Do you habitually think that loneliness is just a person and no one to accompany me? But in fact, being in the crowd, I found that there was nothing to say was even more painful.
is different from loneliness without anyone to accompany you. It is difficult for others to empathize with the "psychological loneliness" in an intimate relationship. They live together all day long, but cannot resonate with each other. The two of them are physically snuggled up with each other, and psychologically they are still alone.
Today we will talk about why still feel lonely in love?
1: The emotional needs cannot be met
What is loneliness? Loneliness is the subjective feeling you have when you send a signal to contact others but cannot get a response. What makes you feel lonely is often very common little things.
For example, men will spend time with you, accompany you to places you want to go, and take good care of you in life. But when you talk to him about something and express your thoughts, his response is always perfunctory, often fooling things with the sentence "You decide."
For example, a man said to you, "I have been depressed recently. I want to take a break and change jobs." You immediately accuse him and said, "It's not that you are not motivated. Why don't those who work hard to get up? Work is not called depressed."
We often say that good feelings need to understand each other and accept each other. I understand your hard work, and you also accept my emotions. A virtuous cycle of intimate relationship is that I give my feelings, you understand my efforts, and repay the corresponding feelings.
When we need the other person's company and understanding, we do not receive support. This moment of not receiving a response will make people feel helpless and lonely.
Let’s take one of the most common phenomena. Many women feel lonely after giving birth because they need to face the hardships of raising children alone and the pressure brought to them by the social environment and public opinion alone.
And all this, their husbands not only cannot empathize with it, but they will not even provide any help.
We desire to enter an intimate relationship, driven by the emotional needs deep in our hearts, and hope that others can tolerate our fragility, appreciate our strengths, and fall in love with the imperfect but real self.
2: The lack of one's own personality
Sometimes, the other party treats us very well and is not absent from the relationship. Why do we still feel lonely?
Because this loneliness comes from ourselves and is a lack of our own personality, it is difficult for us to establish psychological connections with others, so even if we are in close relationships, we still feel lonely.
A student told me before: "I'm afraid that others will see my vulnerable appearance and can't stand their sympathetic eyes." The reason why her ex-boyfriend broke up with her was because she felt that she didn't need anyone to take care of her.
Like students, it is common in avoidant personality. They feel that exposing their fragility to the outside is a dangerous thing, so even if they are in an intimate relationship, it is difficult to fully trust the other person.
But being unable to expose one's own fragility also means that one needs to bear all the helplessness in life, and when facing difficulties, one can only fight alone.
The reasons for the formation of avoidant personality are related to past experiences , For example, there is no normal intimate relationship between childhood and parents. I have mentioned it in detail in an article before. If you are interested, you can go and have a look.
3: What can we do in the face of loneliness?
In this era of promoting independence, many people think it is normal to feel lonely in intimate relationships, and it is inevitable. Loneliness is also tolerant compared to the pain brought by betrayal of marriage.
But the teacher wants to tell everyone that psychological loneliness actually means that inner needs are not met, which is also a manifestation of the failure of intimate relationship management . So how should we improve?
First of all, we need to express our true thoughts. There are many things that we don’t say, but the other party cannot understand, and these words are hidden in the heart and will only worsen the relationship. We can try to express our feelings to our partners and tell the other person the pain of not being cared for and understood.
Secondly, ask yourself what you want? What is missing in this intimate relationship? The premise of mutual understanding is to understand yourself. You can try meditation and find the small things that you have ignored in the past. Of course, if you encounter problems that you cannot solve during the operation, you can also consult the teacher.
Finally, it is a tip for communicating with your partner. For example, when chatting, open-ended questions are used more often. You can ask this: "You seem to be in a bad mood. Did you encounter something?" instead of: "Are you sad?"
For example, respond to your partner in a positive way. When a man says to you, "I'm in a bad mood today, can you pick up your child after school at night?"
You can say, "Although I'm quite tired, I can pick up your child because you look more tired." Instead of directly opposing, "It's your turn to pick up your child today, and it seems like I'm not tired."
Understand each other, and the feelings of mutual acceptance can last for a long time. In an intimate relationship, think more about each other, understand yourself more, and express yourself more, so as to promote intimacy between each other.
People cannot eliminate loneliness, and intimate relationships are not a special medicine to heal loneliness. Good feelings can indeed relieve loneliness, but feelings require us to manage them with care.
