Good marriage / It is the two of them to practice
text / Qiqi
"If a family and all their children have divorced, who is the problem?"
When I saw this private message, I was thinking, if I really study the problems in each relationship, I can really find the responsibilities of different people, but what if I find the responsible person?
Can all the responsibilities for divorce be pushed out? Can the problem be solved? Not possible.
Behind all the exploration, Everyone just hopes to find a good way out for their relationship and make themselves happier.
No one wants their children to divorce, nor does he want "me" to be like this. If there is a good opportunity, who doesn't want to live a good life?
So instead of holding who should take responsibility for the bad relationship, it is better to look at this issue from a different perspective: In families where every child is divorced, who needs to be supported more?
01
Only "survival" and cannot "live"
It is obvious that in such a situation, the people who need more support and help are parents. Why do you say so?
All divorces, are all children using their "symptoms" and "problems" to reflect the family system. , especially the problems in the parent relationship, reminds everyone that this family system has problems and needs to be taken seriously.
mainly has two aspects:
1. The distinction between responsibility is not clear
In a family, whether the roles of both parents are in place will affect children's perception of the role of parents.
"Reign" does not mean that he/she can take responsibility for his/her parents.
For parents, they themselves have unclear distinction between "responsibility". has always followed the past set. For example, women should be responsible for "taking care of their husbands and children" within, and men should be responsible for "making money to support their families" outside. But the times have changed, and no one can give them a new understanding and new responsibilities.
Let’s take "father" as an example. Many fathers play a role in the family to "raising their families" rather than "parenting their children". Especially in a highly competitive society, in order to earn the "bread" for his family, his father will devote a lot of time and energy to things outside the family, which has led to him having little energy to participate in his children's education.
When the child is fully responsible for almost everything the mother does, the qualities of the sense of power in the father’s role: strong backing, ability to resist setbacks, courage, tenacity, etc. will also be missing in the child.
Maybe in his future growth, he will learn these qualities from other places, but the pursuit of "father's love" or the "shaping of father's role" in his heart will always accompany them in love or face marriage. either find someone who can become "his own father" or can only face the relationship in a "unrestrained" state.
2. Relationship mode
In the daily interaction between two people, they show what kind of family system is telling the child: how intimate relationships can exist and what they can become.
For example, the relationship between two people is full of competition, conflict, alienation? Or is it harmonious and mutually supportive? They will affect the perception of relationships.
If all children are divorced, there is a high probability that the "parent relationship" they see is full of competition or alienation.
For example, the wife cares about relationships very much and does a lot of things to maintain relationships, but the way she maintains may be problematic, the effect is also discounted, and it may even cause some harm and inspire conflicts. However, the husband's inaction and escape, as well as his retreat in relationships, have marginalized the position that has also caused this family to lose a lot of power and support.
Under such a model, children do not receive energy support and cannot see a good role model, and they will regard such "disharmonious relationships" as the norm of relationships.
In my marriage, I only feel that I am using the methods I have learned to maintain our relationship and deal with problems. This should be effective. The results of can often only make me repeat the mistakes of my parents' relationship.
But we take a step back. When we get along with our parents, they have no way to do it. Maybe they saw these patterns from the previous generation.
They may have encountered many childhood traumas, many experiences of being neglected and abused, and even many people lost their father and mother in their early years as they grew up.
In their experience, they only found this way to "foster" their children, but they didn't know how to make their children live better on this basis, because they couldn't do it themselves.
In their world, No one can reach out to pull them, and can give them a new direction, gives them the opportunity to experience a different life.
02
Only by facing problems with "embrace", can you have the opportunity to solve the problem
So back to our initial question, when we are just arguing about who is right and who is wrong, for such a family, it will only make everyone in their family more sensitive and alert, and even overturn all their past experiences and skills that survive.
in the end just pushed everyone to the opposite side. When facing problems, they either deny themselves completely or shirk responsibility desperately. In the end, they will only allow the vicious cycle of relationships to continue from generation to generation, but they will not be able to solve the problem.
When we face such a situation, what we see is "who needs to be supported more", it means that when people face relationship problems, is not holding up a sharp sword, but a hug.
View all relationships and issues of continuity in relationships with a more inclusive and accepting perspective.
In today's society, there are too many anxious women and depressed men.
Their respective nervous system is already in a "activated traumatic state" or "locked, closed energy system", such as: An unstable often sensitive, alert, high conflict, high aggressive mother and An energy field is closed, withdrawn, unexpressed, silently endured father.
They don’t know how to break out of their original loop, and they don’t know how to find a new understanding. Systems like
just show that they need more support and help, and someone needs to help them get the chance to get out of that complex and chaotic vicious cycle, find a new way to deal with problems, and let themselves live a better life.
When, when in our society, the question asked is: "In a family, the children are divorced, who needs to be supported more in this family?" At this time, the marriage happiness of each of our families may be higher.
If you have such experience or relationship model in your family, while complaining about their impact, you can extend your hand and give them a chance to re-experience the relationship.
end
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