In today's era, fewer and fewer people are willing to devote themselves to a relationship and fall in love.
One of the reasons is that everyone has seen many tragic love, understands that the ideals and reality of love are different, and knows that liking someone is completely different from being able to get along well with this person.
In addition, there are some people who don’t even feel like someone and have a heart-warming feeling about someone. They either cannot enter into an intimate relationship, which is what we often call “ love is incompetent ”.
They also envy others for having a sweet love, being able to be kind to each other and having someone to accompany them, but they themselves are always unable to get into a love.
See the film and television characters on TV, idols and celebrities in the entertainment industry, and change their husbands and wives every few days. In real life, they don’t even have a partner they like.
either look down on others' characteristics or look down on others' habits. They can always pick out other people's shortcomings and cannot fall for anyone.
I don’t know if the person I met was of low quality or my mental state was not normal.
and some people with mother and fetal solo will also have a good impression of some people at the beginning, and have also had the wish to date well.
But whenever the relationship is closer and the relationship between two people is about to reach a new stage, they begin to retreat and be afraid, deliberately messing up the relationship, unable to fully open their hearts to anyone, and have been tossing for many years, and have never been in a relationship.
Love should be very beautiful, it is the highest emotion that many people yearn for.
What is the matter with cuteness and incompetence? Is there a way to crack it?
Today, let’s talk about it.
1
People who love incompetent may have a strong sense of low value
Some people think that people who love incompetent have a high opinion of themselves and think that others are not worthy of themselves.
On the contrary, people who love incompetent often regard their own value very low.
Because they have deep inferiority complex, they cannot believe that they are worthy of being loved and do not believe that someone will love them.
So in order to defend against this suspicion of themselves, they turned their aggressiveness to others, specifically picking on other people's problems, and not believing that others are worthy of love.
Love is an energy that flows from high places to low places. When love is full, it will overflow. Only those who love themselves and appreciate themselves can love and appreciate others.
My client Xiaowei consulted about his incompetence in love.
She said that she had never seemed to have been moved by any boy around her since she was a child. She either thought others were not motivated enough, or she thought others were not humorous enough, or she didn't feel it.
But if she asks her how she feels about herself, she doesn't seem to like herself much.
She always feels that she has a bad figure, is fat, is not tall, and has bad skin. She has more problems with her personality. She is introverted, timid, not a "big heroine" at all, she is indecisive when encountering things, and likes to be internally fucked...
So we gradually discovered that instead of saying that Xiaowei looks down on others, she looks down on herself.
And her sense of low value comes from her childhood native family, and her parents like to communicate with her in a belittled way.
For example: if you want her to study hard, you will say, "You don't have much effort in your IQ, who can you compare?"
If you want her to help sweep the floor, you will say, "Do you have a hint of your eyes? Don't you know how to help you do some work?"
The long-term belittlement and accusation made Xiaowei feel inferior and sensitive, and developed into being unable to get interested in others.
In this case, the focus is on rebuilding one's sense of value.
I suggest Xiaowei sees his own strengths more often, practice using a positive way of thinking, and praise himself more even if he has a small achievement.
Gradually, Xiaowei began to look at herself objectively, with more and more smiles on her face, and finally met a few boys with good impressions.
2
There is a kind of love incompetence, which is extremely insecure
Some people will ask, I have many ordinary friends, normal social interactions are fine, but I just don’t want to fall in love, what’s going on?
Because love relationships are different from other relationships, romantic relationships are the closest and most open-minded relationships. Opening yourself to
means danger for people who are insecure.
It is possible that you will be deceived and trampled on by others; it is possible that you will be abandoned by others if you are deeply in love with others; it is possible that you sincerely want to integrate into the other person's world, but you will be swallowed up by others and lose yourself...
For these people, it is really difficult to establish deep relationships and have deep connections with others. They are willing to play in the flowers, try them everywhere, and are misunderstood as prodigals and scumbags.
" Mind Catcher " tells the story of a genius boy Will who loves incompetently.
Will is a teenager with extremely high mathematical talent, but his personality is strange and very aggressive.
He met a cute girl and wanted to have a relationship with her.
But when one time, the girl wanted him to accompany him to another city, when both sides had the opportunity to enter a deeper conversation, he burst out with strong offensiveness and pushed the girl away.
In other words, his intimate relationship was about to reach climax, but in a blink of an eye it was destroyed by him and fell into a low point.
The reason is that in Will's childhood, he was fostered one after another and abandoned. This intimate relationship aroused his bad experience of being abandoned, resulting in a strong sense of insecurity.
When you want to rely on and get close to the other party, the other party abandons himself. This feeling is really terrible.
But if we think about it a little bit, we will find this logical error:
What will happen if an adult who is capable of surviving independently is abandoned?
Only when we regard ourselves as the weak child in our childhood can we be afraid of being abandoned and bullied.
So, if you are someone who dares to enter intimate relationships because of insecurity, you can remind yourself:
I am now a powerful adult, and I can be completely responsible for my life.
No matter how others treat me, I can live smoothly, and I can fully enjoy the joy brought by love.
3
Some people are incompetent in love because they lack positive experience of love
There is a saying: Once you are bitten by a snake, you will be afraid of a rope for ten years. Past experience will affect our future beliefs.
If there is no positive experience about love in the past growth process, this trauma will accompany us, causing us to lose our confidence in love and dare not pursue love and accept love.
At the same time, in order to disguise this fear, we will show that we do not need love at all, and even look down on people in love, thinking that they are irrational.
Netizen Xiaoting is such a girl. She stutters a little while she was in school, and was always fooled by boys and treated maliciously.
Later, a boy showed kindness to her, and she was also very moved and thought she had met someone who was truly kind.
I didn't expect to learn from others that the boy promoted her affairs everywhere and laughed at her even more unscrupulously.
From then on, Xiaoting became aware of people's hearts, especially the opposite sex, and she didn't believe in intimate relationships.
And her defense made her unable to establish a new relationship again, because those who might have a good relationship with her were rejected by her early.
There is no new experience, which makes her unable to subvert her cognition and believe that love can be very beautiful.
If this situation causes love incompetence, the best way is to rebuild positive experiences about love and use new experiences to wash away negative experiences from the past.
At the beginning, don’t become a fat man in one bite. You have too high expectations for love and want to find a perfect partner from the beginning.
Instead, you can reduce your expectations and open yourself a little bit to feel the beauty of being with the other person. At the same time, you can often realize whether your negative thinking is trapped in the past again.
For example, if the other party does not reply to the phone in time, he will doubt whether the other party has an affair. This thinking pattern is caused by past experience and does not mean it is reality.
When we discover this kind of thinking, we must timely detect our associations and change our thinking, and then we will find that in fact, we often think too much and misunderstand the other person.
When we continue to replace negative experiences in the past with new experiences, we will become more and more confident in intimate relationships and will also improve our ability to love.
Good intimate relationships have a very strong healing effect on people. Mutual understanding and support can help us resist all kinds of difficulties and obstacles in life.
In fact, most people still yearn for a beautiful love in their hearts.
Explore the reasons for their incompetence in love and solve them one by one. I believe we can all enjoy a beautiful love.
Author | Shushui Therapist, has the qualification certificate of psychological counselor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the IHNMA International Hypnosis Teacher Certificate, committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature.
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