Cognitive dissonance , in psychology, refers to a state formed when an individual realizes the inconsistency between the individual's cognitive structure and the environment or the different components within the individual's cognitive structure.
For example, in terms of cognition, "I am a helpful person", in terms of behavior, "I did not help the fallen old lady",
When cognition and behavior conflict, it will lead to an unpleasant psychological state.
In order to alleviate or eliminate the discomfort caused by this cognitive dissonance, we will rationalize the behavioral results.
For example, you will convince yourself that "there is no third party present, and I rashly help the old lady who fell down will probably be cheated by her and her family. Good things turn into bad things, and the price is too high."
For example, when you learn that you have spent several times more than your best friend to buy the same piece of clothing, you will definitely find many reasons in your heart to convince yourself that the clothes are worth it.
I think the one I bought was a fake, the material and workmanship were not as good as the one I had, or I was more suitable for wearing this one than my best friend, etc. In short, I will definitely find reasons to convince myself to achieve coordination of behavior and cognition.
So the same is true for the man who cheated on is so at ease because he has convinced himself and rationalized his cheating behavior.
No matter how you can reason with him, facts, responsibilities, feelings, or even confess yourself, it is useless. He is unmoved at all, and it is easy to fall into self-doubt and confidence and be suppressed to the bottom.
Ba Chen I remember a sister who was resentful because her husband never admitted his mistakes after he cheated on her, which was very painful.
In fact, for such a question, Bai Chen really wanted to ask, "Why do you care so much about your husband and do you realize his mistake? What does his regret mean to you?"
Bai Chen guessed that The reason why you want your husband to regret after cheating is nothing more than asking him to admit that cheating is a wrong choice for him.
His former cheating was wrong, and now he has been exposed. He has to face the possibility of losing his family and everything he has, so he is afraid. He wants to discover the preciousness of his family and you, and also find out how much harm everything he does has caused to you and your family. His regret represents this meaning, right?
In other words, for you, regret represents his understanding of cheating and his attitude towards his behavior.
Regret means thinking that he has done something wrong, and only by knowing that he has made a mistake can he correct it.
So, if he corrects it, we seem to forgive him, trust him again, and repair the relationship.
From this perspective, the other party’s regret does seem to be very important.
Because you set regrets, it means you can correct your mistakes, and it will not change again after the change.
Then when you see his regret, you can feel at ease.
But, is this really true? Many sisters in the group, when they find that their husbands cheat, will also express their mistakes and regrets. If this is used as a reference system for forgiveness, they will really change and no longer cheat. How many people are there?
So it is necessary for us to understand what the feeling of regret is like.
From a realistic perspective, regret refers to a person’s past choices or things he did not meet his expectations at the moment, but feels that there is something wrong with what he did at the beginning.
So, what is he not satisfied with?
What he is not satisfied with is the current situation caused by cheating.
instead of him having a choice at that moment, he can choose to cheat or not.
He was not satisfied with it. He could not face the current result, so through regret, he seemed to be telling himself that I could actually choose not to cheat.
But is this a fact or an imagination?
We must have the habit of distinguishing facts and imagination, especially after encountering cheating.
The so-called fact is everything that has happened, and everything that has not happened is imagination.
So when a person starts to regret it, it is actually a false proposition.
Because the regret point is the past, and the past cannot be changed.
Since things in the past cannot be changed, we have been struggling with why he chose to cheat and put his attention into the past, and there is no compensation for the current things.
So, if we take his regret as a standard, and think that he regrets it means that he knows that he is wrong now, and he will correct it in the future. This is not of reference significance in the time dimension.
Instead of focusing on whether he regrets it, it is better to focus on what he has done right now.
For example, has he started to devote more time and energy to his family, has he started to have some new changes, etc.
These are the reference points for you to judge whether this relationship is worth forgiven, whether you should give a chance to fix it, and whether it is really returning.
instead of keeping staring at him or not, he regrets cheating, as a criterion for your future choice.
, on the other hand, 's regretful emotions are essentially composed of shame and guilt.
And shame and guilt are combined by the two emotions of fear and sorrow.
We see that fear and sorrow are both biased towards retreating. It will block our feelings of pleasure and will also prevent us from taking some actions.
Sisters who have experienced regret should know that when you regret and blame yourself for something, you actually have no power to act.
And in many cases, regret, guilt makes us want to stay away from those who make us feel guilty and regret.
This is also why when we keep turning over old accounts, accusing or showing off our faces, trying to remind our cheating husband that you hurt me, I am very painful and reminding him not to make mistakes again. When we want to arouse his guilt, it will make him more reluctant to face us and more likely to look for a third party.
Because when he returns home, he is a sinner, and for the third party, he is a popular person.
So, if you really want the other party to feel regretful, it is possible that this person does not have some active behavior in terms of behavior.
So, you have been struggling with what is the reason for him to regret it?
Of course, for some people in , they are indeed in a state of no regrets.
For example, He doesn't think cheating is a wrong thing.
Moreover, cheating neither affects some of his current tangible interests, nor is he worried that you will really have the ability to leave.
Under these two premises, cheating actually gives him more experience or resources he wants. So of course he doesn't have to regret cheating, nor does he think that this is a wrong thing.
He is a vested interest in cheating, how could he regret it?
If your husband is of this type of person who does not regret it,
Then, you don’t have to explore why he doesn’t regret it, and you don’t admit his mistakes, nor do you need to inspire his guilt by crying, making a fuss or hanging himself.
What you need most is to practice the ability to live well without him. Even if you don’t get divorced, you must minimize his influence on you.
For example, he cheated on it to find balance, and he would not regret it. Cognitive dissonance , in psychology, refers to a state formed when an individual realizes the inconsistency between the individual's cognitive structure and the environment or the different components within the individual's cognitive structure. For example, in terms of cognition, "I am a helpful person", in terms of behavior, "I did not help the fallen old lady", When cognition and behavior conflict, it will lead to an unpleasant psychological state. In order to alleviate or eliminate the discomfort caused by this cognitive dissonance, we will rationalize the behavioral results. For example, you will convince yourself that "there is no third party present, and I rashly help the old lady who fell down will probably be cheated by her and her family. Good things turn into bad things, and the price is too high." For example, when you learn that you have spent several times more than your best friend to buy the same piece of clothing, you will definitely find many reasons in your heart to convince yourself that the clothes are worth it. I think the one I bought was a fake, the material and workmanship were not as good as the one I had, or I was more suitable for wearing this one than my best friend, etc. In short, I will definitely find reasons to convince myself to achieve coordination of behavior and cognition. So the same is true for the man who cheated on is so at ease because he has convinced himself and rationalized his cheating behavior. No matter how you can reason with him, facts, responsibilities, feelings, or even confess yourself, it is useless. He is unmoved at all, and it is easy to fall into self-doubt and confidence and be suppressed to the bottom. Ba Chen I remember a sister who was resentful because her husband never admitted his mistakes after he cheated on her, which was very painful. In fact, for such a question, Bai Chen really wanted to ask, "Why do you care so much about your husband and do you realize his mistake? What does his regret mean to you?" Bai Chen guessed that The reason why you want your husband to regret after cheating is nothing more than asking him to admit that cheating is a wrong choice for him. His former cheating was wrong, and now he has been exposed. He has to face the possibility of losing his family and everything he has, so he is afraid. He wants to discover the preciousness of his family and you, and also find out how much harm everything he does has caused to you and your family. His regret represents this meaning, right? In other words, for you, regret represents his understanding of cheating and his attitude towards his behavior. Regret means thinking that he has done something wrong, and only by knowing that he has made a mistake can he correct it. So, if he corrects it, we seem to forgive him, trust him again, and repair the relationship. From this perspective, the other party’s regret does seem to be very important. Because you set regrets, it means you can correct your mistakes, and it will not change again after the change. Then when you see his regret, you can feel at ease. But, is this really true? Many sisters in the group, when they find that their husbands cheat, will also express their mistakes and regrets. If this is used as a reference system for forgiveness, they will really change and no longer cheat. How many people are there? So it is necessary for us to understand what the feeling of regret is like. From a realistic perspective, regret refers to a person’s past choices or things he did not meet his expectations at the moment, but feels that there is something wrong with what he did at the beginning. So, what is he not satisfied with? What he is not satisfied with is the current situation caused by cheating. instead of him having a choice at that moment, he can choose to cheat or not. He was not satisfied with it. He could not face the current result, so through regret, he seemed to be telling himself that I could actually choose not to cheat. But is this a fact or an imagination? We must have the habit of distinguishing facts and imagination, especially after encountering cheating. The so-called fact is everything that has happened, and everything that has not happened is imagination. So when a person starts to regret it, it is actually a false proposition. Because the regret point is the past, and the past cannot be changed. Since things in the past cannot be changed, we have been struggling with why he chose to cheat and put his attention into the past, and there is no compensation for the current things. So, if we take his regret as a standard, and think that he regrets it means that he knows that he is wrong now, and he will correct it in the future. This is not of reference significance in the time dimension. Instead of focusing on whether he regrets it, it is better to focus on what he has done right now. For example, has he started to devote more time and energy to his family, has he started to have some new changes, etc. These are the reference points for you to judge whether this relationship is worth forgiven, whether you should give a chance to fix it, and whether it is really returning. instead of keeping staring at him or not, he regrets cheating, as a criterion for your future choice. , on the other hand, 's regretful emotions are essentially composed of shame and guilt. And shame and guilt are combined by the two emotions of fear and sorrow. We see that fear and sorrow are both biased towards retreating. It will block our feelings of pleasure and will also prevent us from taking some actions. Sisters who have experienced regret should know that when you regret and blame yourself for something, you actually have no power to act. And in many cases, regret, guilt makes us want to stay away from those who make us feel guilty and regret. This is also why when we keep turning over old accounts, accusing or showing off our faces, trying to remind our cheating husband that you hurt me, I am very painful and reminding him not to make mistakes again. When we want to arouse his guilt, it will make him more reluctant to face us and more likely to look for a third party. Because when he returns home, he is a sinner, and for the third party, he is a popular person. So, if you really want the other party to feel regretful, it is possible that this person does not have some active behavior in terms of behavior. So, you have been struggling with what is the reason for him to regret it? Of course, for some people in , they are indeed in a state of no regrets. For example, He doesn't think cheating is a wrong thing. Moreover, cheating neither affects some of his current tangible interests, nor is he worried that you will really have the ability to leave. Under these two premises, cheating actually gives him more experience or resources he wants. So of course he doesn't have to regret cheating, nor does he think that this is a wrong thing. He is a vested interest in cheating, how could he regret it? If your husband is of this type of person who does not regret it, Then, you don’t have to explore why he doesn’t regret it, and you don’t admit his mistakes, nor do you need to inspire his guilt by crying, making a fuss or hanging himself. What you need most is to practice the ability to live well without him. Even if you don’t get divorced, you must minimize his influence on you. For example, he cheated on it to find balance, and he would not regret it. is usually in the past relationship, and you act more strongly, making him feel wronged. But he is not able to express his needs, or you have been stepping on the other party's bottom line a little unconsciously, For example, you look down on his family, have a bad relationship with his family, and don't care so much about him. There are even many belittlements, ridicule, etc. in the communication between the two people. Of course, this is definitely not your own problem, but also caused by his inaction, neglect, and misunderstanding. But people seek profit and avoid harm. They will convince themselves. It is all caused by your strength, and a feeling of imbalance will be buried in their hearts. This feeling of imbalance will make him find balance in a more extreme way. This may not be conscious, but may be an unconscious state. However, when he has some self-blame and guilt, in order not to fall into the state of being unable to move in self-blame and guilt, he will convince himself that even if he does something wrong, you still owe him a lot. So, you don’t seem to see that he regrets it. For example, it is difficult for you to see a problem-solving person and regret it. Because he is too rational, he will feel that there is no need to regret what has happened. He may be more willing to focus on facing the present and the future, and regret is just a waste of time for him. He will not let himself stay in some feelings, so you can't see his regretful feeling either. Instead of waiting for his regretful performance, it is better to see how he performs now. Now, the reality is that he cheated on, you know. If he wants to end this relationship, it depends on whether you can accept it. If you can accept it, prepare for how to live a life without him. If you can't accept it, you have to figure out why you can't live without him. What is your difficulty? You have to face this difficulty. And if he wants to fix the relationship or he wants to go threesome, you also evaluate whether you are acceptable and what is the reason behind the acceptance and not acceptance. Another possibility is that the regret you expect is inconsistent with the performance he regrets. Maybe in your cognition, a person needs to express his regret, at least he has an attitude and some emotions. But it happens that he is not very good at expressing himself or is not very good at expressing his feelings in words. He is good at not showing his emotions. If you always expect it to express it in the way you want, you may never wait. So, you still have to pull yourself back to the reality. So we see that a person, whether he regrets or does not regret it, or feels that there is no need to regret it, he has already coordinated his behavior and cognition, which means that he is no longer likely to show the behavior you want. Maybe we should not worry about the other party’s form of not regretting it, but we should explore more about what you need to think of the other party’s regret? Maybe what you are worried about is a form, a ceremony, because this form and behind the ceremony bring you a sense of security. But have you noticed that when you chose him, you would impress you because of his actions, or because you think he is a certain type of person, which makes you feel safe. You may have made this person and relationship a simple attributed . If you rely on a tag or something, you will think that as long as this person is nice to you, he will always be nice to you. You don't realize that relationships are changing. This simple ritual feature allows you to simplify your intimacy. So, you want to make yourself feel at ease through such a regret expression and make a simple attribution. This is the repetition of the original pattern. We need to know that our own understanding, the other party, the human nature, and the relationship are very complex. We require a lot of differentiation and distinction abilities, and we cannot just make a simple attribution. If we simply put it, when this person cheats, he can express his regret and can truly recognize the mistake at this moment, it means that he can really stop cheating in the future, but just simply do such attribution. Of course, he has such an expression, and we can refer to it, but it does not allow us to do something equivalent to deal with. If we once again rely on one person to regret this matter, we can fully believe it. Next, we can rest assured and continue to have a relationship with this person, and you will lose the right to manage your own relationship. So, if your cheating husband expresses his confession to you, you can learn to listen, but what you need more is to see what he did after seeing him and then evaluate whether the relationship needs to continue. And if he has no regrets, maybe you don’t need to make a decision quickly. You have to let yourself observe for a while, carefully distinguish your feelings, and experience whether this person is worthy of your protection, and whether this relationship is worthy of your protection? Only when you clarify yourself and distinguish yourself clearly can you have the right to decide your own life. So in the process of this decision, you find that you have an obstacle, and this obstacle is the part we need to face, and it is also an opportunity to see ourselves clearly. Do some homework and in-depth exploration, which is the most valuable and useful for you. So, if you find that you put too much energy and focus on him, you will be back in the original track. Only by focusing more attention and energy on yourself and exploring yourself more can you try to find a path where you can have the right to choose and take the initiative in your life. A man returns quickly after cheating. His atonement is a pit. Don’t jump to Does the husband apologize for the wrong thing? Do these four points, let him reflect and apologize
So, you want to make yourself feel at ease through such a regret expression and make a simple attribution.
This is the repetition of the original pattern.
We need to know that our own understanding, the other party, the human nature, and the relationship are very complex. We require a lot of differentiation and distinction abilities, and we cannot just make a simple attribution.
If we simply put it, when this person cheats, he can express his regret and can truly recognize the mistake at this moment, it means that he can really stop cheating in the future, but just simply do such attribution.
Of course, he has such an expression, and we can refer to it, but it does not allow us to do something equivalent to deal with.
If we once again rely on one person to regret this matter, we can fully believe it. Next, we can rest assured and continue to have a relationship with this person, and you will lose the right to manage your own relationship.
So, if your cheating husband expresses his confession to you, you can learn to listen, but what you need more is to see what he did after seeing him and then evaluate whether the relationship needs to continue.
And if he has no regrets, maybe you don’t need to make a decision quickly. You have to let yourself observe for a while, carefully distinguish your feelings, and experience whether this person is worthy of your protection, and whether this relationship is worthy of your protection?
Only when you clarify yourself and distinguish yourself clearly can you have the right to decide your own life.
So in the process of this decision, you find that you have an obstacle, and this obstacle is the part we need to face, and it is also an opportunity to see ourselves clearly.
Do some homework and in-depth exploration, which is the most valuable and useful for you.
So, if you find that you put too much energy and focus on him, you will be back in the original track.
Only by focusing more attention and energy on yourself and exploring yourself more can you try to find a path where you can have the right to choose and take the initiative in your life.
A man returns quickly after cheating. His atonement is a pit. Don’t jump to
Does the husband apologize for the wrong thing? Do these four points, let him reflect and apologize
willingly
