Keywords: divorce pulling
This question comes from "The 16th Mission Psychology Online Class"
Question: I am 40 years old and a mother of two children. My current situation is that I have been divorced for almost a year. I feel emotionally. I haven’t come out yet, and I’m feeling a bit internally disturbed.
It was probably in June 2020 that I discovered that the father of my child had been engaging in prostitution and sex for 7-8 years. At that time, the other party did not want a divorce and probably signed a marital agreement. He made some financial concessions and gave up. The rights to the house are said to continue to adjust for another year.
Unfortunately, a year later, I discovered that he had started again.
It was a year when I found out. In fact, he had half a year to correct himself at the beginning, but after half a year, he started having sex outside again.
At this time, I had made up my mind to separate from him. After repeated efforts until November last year, the divorce was finally finalized. The two children, the younger one belongs to me and the older one belongs to him.
Although he was divorced, he did not leave the family and still lived with us.
In June of this year, I found out that he had contacted him outside again and was going to meet his lover. At this time, I felt that I was almost exhausted. I wanted to kick him out and didn’t want him to live at home. .
I was the angriest, that is, when I found out he was still in contact in June, I slapped him several times. When I discovered it for the second time a year ago, I probably gave him a blow and knocked off his glasses. But usually I am a relatively weak person and rarely conflict with others.
Regarding our daily interactions, there are very few normal communications, and most of them are about children. For example, who will pick up the children when they leave interest classes, make a phone call to inform them who is free to pick them up, when they will go home for dinner, etc.
I basically don’t talk about the good things he does, such as raising children well.
Before I found out that he was cheating, I felt that the way we communicated with each other was not right, but I could bear it because I felt like we were a family anyway. Maybe it’s because I have little experience in this area, and I feel that this is how marriage feels after many years of marriage. One of the problems
is facing now is that if he moves out, he may take away one of my children, which I am a little reluctant to bear. In other words, I think all aspects of his character will be bad for children.
I am not strong enough to raise two children by myself, so I am particularly entangled and have serious internal friction.
I still don’t quite understand how to make myself better, or make myself more comfortable, so that I won’t be so internally consumed.
Answer: Regarding the above story, I would like to analyze it from three aspects:
First, the flow of emotions.
Emotional flow is a very important manifestation of mental health.
When you encounter something, cry if you want to, because if you don't cry, your emotions will turn inward, causing self-attack and sedimentation.
From the above description, I can clearly see that there is greater power fighting and consuming in the heroine's life and body. This reveals one thing: the heroine does not care that much about her own feelings.
This feeling of the heroine is called anticipation. Because her husband does not live according to what she considers to be a moral standard, she believes that he should be a dedicated person, but he is constantly looking for other sexual partners.
Second, the facts.
When you encounter a problem, don't rush to judge, but go back to the matter and see the facts.
Just like the above story, the fact is that the heroine married a boy and had two children; the fact is that the other party made concessions in terms of financial interests after cheating on her.
How do boys treat this family in terms of money?
Before the cheating was discovered, the man and woman were financially independent. However, after telling the story, he gave up his finances and gave up his rights to the house as compensation. The house is now fully owned by the woman.
Whether he likes it or not, it is a fact to give up wealth-level interests.
The aspect mentioned above is not to defend boys, but a very important point in human growth is to see the facts, because when you see the facts, you will not feel so uncomfortable.
Moreover, when we do not judge a thing, when we do not put our own opinions above our own feelings, we will see the facts, and the facts will help us move towards true emotions.
Third, the way out.
In addition to the above description of the question, the heroine and I also had an in-depth conversation during the online class and learned that the heroine needs him.
Therefore, he should have his place in the family, and he should also be recognized as having made a contribution to the family. Let’s not talk about right or wrong, and don’t talk about rationality. Emotionally, we must admit that he has created value for the family.
admits that he has contributed to the family and that he has created value, and he is also seeking a way out for himself.
Because if we deny his creation and deny his value, he will have no place. And if a man has no place in a family, he needs to find someone else. This is the simplest logic.
So, don’t talk about “I know I should let him go”, because this is a decision made by the rational brain, not the emotional brain. He should still have a place in his emotional mind.
Why is the heroine in pain? Because there is a conflict between her rational brain and her emotional brain, there is no way to integrate them, so she feels awkward.
You must let one of them become the leader and the creator, and let one of them lead you before you can complete creation.
Based on my work experience, I can tell you that the rational brain generally cannot defeat the emotional brain, because the activation of the emotional brain only takes 300 milliseconds, while the activation of the rational brain takes 1 to 3 seconds.
Moreover, even if he is let go, he should have his place in family system . Because he is a father, we cannot eliminate the position of a father in a family. We do not have this right.
Even if he is no longer here today, he still has his place, because he is the creator of the family.
For the family, the heroine and the husband are both great creators. If we do not give the creators a place, the family will not be able to continue to exist, and the children will also be affected.
Of course, I agree with the harm he caused, but emotionally we have to see the essential part - deep in our hearts, it may be really difficult to admit other people's position, but once we give him the position he deserves, Many things will change.
In addition, I want to tell the heroine immediately the fact that when a wife hits her husband, the word the heroine uses is "should not", but it is not. I think it is a positional impact and a sequence impact.
I don’t know what happened to the two of them at that time. They must have lost control of their emotions, but we can see that this had a great impact on his position as a husband. He lost the authority that a husband and a father should have.
Does a husband who is beaten by his wife still have authority?
Don’t analyze, feel it: if you are an outsider, a bystander, and see a girl hitting a boy, do you think this man still has a place?
The answer is no. It has lost its position and sense of dignity. This is the most basic thing. Of course, similarly, if a husband beats his wife, it is also an impact on the wife's position and order.
Therefore, I don’t agree with the so-called “I know I have to drive him away” at all, because the fate between the two people is deeply entangled, and it is not such a simple matter.
The heroine has two paths in life now:
1) Continue to get along with him, but accept these things about him.
2) Separate each other, but still recognize that he is the father of the child, and he still has his place in the family, even if you create a new family with someone else in the future.
No matter which one of these two paths you choose, it will definitely be better than being stuck here now, because being stuck is very uncomfortable, and the heroine should let herself go.
Never let your mind determine your life. You can change your status by connecting with others.
Learn to let go of reason, let go of cognition, let go of right and wrong, and let yourself live a fresh and vigorous life first.
If you don’t know what it means to live a vivid life, go for a run to find the feeling, or observe the state of those fresh lives, let go and bloom again.
Many people encounter the valley of death in their lives when they embark on spiritual practice. Some people have problems with their health, some with their wealth, and some with their love.
If you feel cheated, disrespected, or never truly loved when you fall in love, then take action to truly nourish yourself and bless you.
Creative Team | Leng Ai Fang Shang Sissi
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