Friends who have read Sister Si’s articles for a long time should know that Sister Si has a skirt, so the following content is also from the learning results shared by sisters in the group. When it comes to "keeping the marriage", many sisters may sneer at it, especially the unma

Friends who have read Sister Si’s articles for a long time should know that Sister Si has a skirt, so the following content is also from the learning results shared by sisters in the group.

When it comes to "keeping the marriage", many sisters may sneer at it, especially the unmarried girls.

has been cheated on. I want to get a divorce. If you don’t give him some color, just wait until there is a prairie above you.

Yes, a man’s door of desire has been opened, but he can continue to have a hot bed with his wife and children without any damage. With a yellow-faced woman watching at home, it is more convenient for him to go out to get involved with women. Who will stop this steady profit? What about a no-loss deal?

But in modern society, most marriages are cooperative. Especially for ordinary families, divorce means a sharp decline in living standards.

The cost of living is so high, the cost of raising a house is so high, and a house represents most of a lifetime’s savings. Who doesn’t want to think carefully about it?

If the social welfare system were more perfect and ordinary people no longer had to worry about housing, childcare, and elderly care, then I am afraid that few people would choose to stay married.

Therefore, "keeping a marriage" is a product of this era, and there is nothing to be ashamed of if you choose to keep a marriage.

But what we need to remember is that what keeps a marriage is reality, that is, interests, not feelings.

The meaning of staying married is: Buy time for yourself to accumulate divorce capital, including material capital, spiritual capital and emotional independence capital!

Before sharing this lesson, I need to tell my sisters responsibly that learning non-violent communication will make us more comfortable staying married. The purpose of is still to accumulate the power to divorce.

Any other motives and purposes are wrong. If we want to expect each other to return through nonviolent communication, then sisters don’t need to read any further.

Because greed is the weakness of human nature, if the colorful flag outside has been discovered and the red flag at home still does not fall down even after crying and fussing, then why should he give up the colorful flag outside?

So, let’s hit the blackboard and mark the key points. We should keep marriage and protect our interests. Non-violent communication makes us more comfortable only keeping marriage but not love.

Okay, let’s move on to today’s topic - Let’s learn and explore the four key elements of non-violent communication together with , and how to use the four elements well to make our marriage more comfortable.

First of all, please allow me to introduce the four elements of nonviolent communication. They are: observations, feelings, needs and requests.

Next, let’s experience the four elements and the benefits they bring through a scenario.

Shasha has been married for ten years and has two sons. Her marriage has been bumpy but she finally got together through free love and has two younger sons.

Shasha never thought that being cheated on would happen to her. When the truth tears apart the veil of marriage warmth in the simplest and crudest way, revealing the green-faced fangs under the veil, it seems that it is not just the flesh and blood of marriage that has been bloodyly torn open, but also Shasha's shattered heart.

At that moment, Shasha felt abandoned by the whole world. She felt that no one might love her again and that she had no value. He would even unconsciously compare himself with his mistress to see what was wrong with him, which made his husband, who had been together for more than ten years, abandon his wife and son.

When the marriage was bloody and torn apart, Sasha’s sky fell. Her emotions kept coming back and forth, and she couldn't concentrate on her work and taking care of her children.

One day, she woke up in the middle of the night, her pillow cover soaked with tears. Thinking of being cheated on and having to keep the marriage humiliating, Sasha was angry and aggrieved. Looking at her husband who was sleeping peacefully and soundly next to her, Shasha suddenly felt a surge of anger rushing toward her head.

She lifted up her husband's quilt angrily, and the accumulated emotions in her heart rushed out:

"Why are you doing this to me? You don't like me anymore, we can divorce, why do you cheat on others to humiliate me?"

" You have made me sleepless all night long, and you have tortured me so much that you can still sleep peacefully every day. Why do you want me to wake up? I can't sleep, and you can't sleep either!"

"I hate you. You have made my children homeless and orphans. You fool, liar and devil. You abandoned your children to raise a son for your mistress. Is there anyone more stupid than you in the world?" ? "

" You and the mistress looted the home we worked so hard to build, leaving me and my children alone to survive in the ruins. What are you doing here with the mistress? Is this your free hotel? "

" Tell me clearly, why am I worse than her? "

" "Look at my best friend's husband, who is not better than you? He can make money, do housework, and loves his wife?" . What about you? You have no ability to make money, and all your ability is spent cheating and finding women!”

Dear sisters, I thank you for your love and praise, which makes me very ashamed and frightened. , three months before being cheated on, Mandi himself had experienced the above scenarios.

During that long night of hysteria and excruciating pain, like my sisters, my heart was hollowed out and my tears dried up. At that time, I was confused, fragile and scared and didn’t know where I was going until I met Sister Si.

sisters, do you feel a sense of deja vu when you see this?

Before being exposed to non-violent communication, did the sisters let their emotions rage like a scourge, leaving no grass growing wherever they went? So, is this the result we want? Doesn't seem like it, right?

In fact, we clearly need each other’s understanding and cooperation at this moment. A cheating spouse triggers deep feelings within us about not being good enough, being unloved, and being abandoned.

At this moment, we actually need to confirm that the other person loves us, that we are worthy of being cherished, and that he will be happy to accompany us for the rest of his life. How much we who are hurt long for his commitment and companionship.

But when we vent our emotions, what the other party may hear is criticism, accusation, and denial.

Then the result of this may be that the other party confronts us, or even fights or cold violence, right?

Even if some men choose to be humble and petty because of guilt and accept all the punishments, they will rebound sooner or later, because no one wants to bear the shame for a long time and still pay willingly. The inner imbalance accumulated for a long time will sooner or later lead to greater revenge.

So let’s take a look, if we use the four elements of non-violent communication, how can we express it?

Perhaps, we can communicate like this: "You cheated and transferred a total of 100,000 to your mistress in a year. You only accompanied your children 10 times this year. You can count on your ten fingers the days you went home before 8:00 pm this year."

I am really in pain, because I feel that all the hard work and effort I have put into running this family for ten years is worthless.

I feel that I have been abandoned by the whole world, and no one will love me anymore. I want to leave. But I understand that children are the worst victims of a broken marriage.

So you said you made a mistake and I am willing to give you 3 months to reexamine. Please allow me to have repeated emotional breakdowns, please sign the marital property agreement to protect the financial security of me and my children, and please take on the responsibilities of housework and accompanying my children.May I? "

Dear sisters, if we express it in this way, the other party will be more willing to cooperate with us and will be less likely to defend or attack, right?

From the perspective of human nature, men are born to serve women. , thus reflecting the need for one's own value. At the same time, men hate being criticized, lectured, denied and transformed by their beloved women.

Let's go back to this case to analyze how we achieved the communication effect just now. , okay?

First of all, what we express is our observation: "You cheated and transferred a total of 100,000 to your mistress in a year. You only accompanied your children 10 times this year. You went home before 8:00 this year on all ten fingers. Can be counted. "

What I am expressing at this moment is a pure observation, which is objective and neutral. Unlike our previous expressions of various emotions, "You fool, liar, no one in the world has more bad moral character than you! It was you who ruined the family and the children by yourself, you are worse than a pig or a dog! "

Our judgments may make the other person only see that he is so unbearable in your eyes. He is obsessed with proving that he is trustworthy, even if he is wrong, it is excusable.

Even, he They will also pick up their own spears and shields, ready to confront us at any time, and when they tell objective facts, they may not easily arouse the defensiveness of the other party.

Secondly, we will find that our emotions are different from those before. Expression, nonviolent communication allows us to express our feelings honestly: “I’m really miserable because I value fidelity in my marriage. "

Let's look at the third element - need. I feel such pain, helplessness, anger and grievance because my contribution to the marriage for more than ten years needs to be seen and cherished. My partner's cheating has made our contribution We were completely denied.

Moreover, our husband’s infidelity severely reduced our self-esteem, and the huge feeling of abandonment made us feel that we would never be loved again, and would even end up alone.

At this moment, I honestly expressed my feelings. , and also clearly told my partner that my feelings stem from my needs not being met, instead of attributing our feelings to the other person's behavior or words like the past emotional expressions.

For example, many sisters who have been cheated on. The words on my lips are "It's all your fault that I'm in such pain." "

The implication is that you have to be responsible for my feelings. When we express this, the other party will also feel threatened. What we just used non-violent communication to express is "I have painful feelings because I have been "The need to pay attention to".

So when we can take responsibility for our own feelings, do not impose it on the other party, and do not blame the other party, the other party can put down their guard and be more likely to listen to our feelings and needs.

Finally, we put forward A sincere invitation: "Please allow me to have repeated emotional breakdowns, please sign a marital property agreement to protect the financial security of me and my children, and please take on the responsibilities of housework and accompanying my children." May I? "

When we express this, what the other party hears is just a sincere invitation that we need the other party to support us. At this time, the other party may be more willing to understand and support us.

Because at that moment, we did not stand on the moral high ground. The judge accused him.

We know how to show weakness. "I am injured at the moment and cannot take care of myself, let alone my family and children. I need your help to make me and my children better financially, mentally and emotionally." sense of security. "

When the other party can smell such meaning in our words, it is easy to inspire the other party to be willing to help and support us.

Because everyone has an inner need to provide support and services to others, and even contribute. Because giving and benefiting the other person can realize our sense of value.

In real life, when the first couple encounters betrayal, they often unconsciously want to nail the other person to the pillar of shame for a long time. For our own sense of security, we hope to check his mobile phone at will like a prisoner, anytime. Insult him to vent his emotions.

As a result, many sisters reported that they could not communicate normally during the marriage, and they would quarrel whenever we spoke. The other party felt that every word we said was aimed at him and was a moral kidnapping of his , and he would even shout at every turn: " If you don't want to go through with it, pull it down! "The behavior of the original wife of

is of course understandable, because our trust and sense of security have been severely damaged, and this executioner is him, and we need him to atone for his sins.

However, have we ever thought that the other party cannot receive our needs with our expressions, right? Because no man wants to be judged, judged and accused by us from above, even if he is a "marriage traitor".

Therefore, nonviolent communication allows us to express ourselves more clearly and honestly, so that the other party can understand our true feelings and needs.

You can also listen to the other party by using these four elements. Sometimes when the other person is talking, we should be aware of these four elements, listen to him quietly, and understand what his emotions are behind his expressions. What are the needs behind his emotions?

For example, a sister who has been cheated on may cry to him more than once: "I have always been worthy of you, why can you be so cruel, why do you treat me like this?" How will the other party respond? Maybe he would say "Are you crazy?" and then ignore you.

At this time, I want to invite my sisters to see that the other person's response hides his emotions of shame and impatience, and behind the emotions, he needs to be tolerated and trusted again.

Of course, he can still need to be trusted even if he cheats. This is his right.

However, it does not mean that we have to meet all his needs. To borrow a sentence from a Hong Kong movie, "You may not recognize your words, but I will defend to the death your right to express them."

Finally, for beginners, how to use these four elements?

First, for beginners, I would like to give a formula for non-violent communication :

"I see (observe)... I feel (feel)... because I need (need)... .Can I invite you...(request)... In life, sisters might as well try to use these four elements.

For example, a sister asked her parents because she knew that her husband had cheated on her and she felt sorry for her daughter. My parents are very unhappy when they have to help their daughter take care of the children and have to deal with her cheating son-in-law. They want to scold the son-in-law but they don’t want to divorce yet, so they have to endure it.

sisters are caught in the middle and don’t know how to make their parents feel at ease. She said to her husband: "I saw that my mother had to endure the dissatisfaction with my husband's cheating to get along with you, and let her feel wronged for me. As a daughter, I feel sad because I hope I am a daughter who makes my mother worry-free and happy. Are you willing to participate more in housework and taking care of the children when you are at home, so that my mother feels that I am happy, is that okay? "

In addition, a warm reminder, in the process of using it, we invite sisters to be aware of what needs we use these four elements to meet.

Is it to make the other party obey us? Or is it to understand each other better and be clearer Express yourself and listen to the other party more comprehensively?

Second, in actual application, these four elements are not necessarily included every time.

For example, when we listen to ourselves, we can be aware of my feelings towards my partner at the moment. Is it more about judging, measuring him by my own standards, or am I observing? If we notice that we are judging him, maybe we can try to stop.

Then ask yourself, what are the objective facts? What am I feeling? What is the need behind the feeling, and am I making a command or a request at this moment?

When we express, it does not mean that we must use all these four elements every time. The key lies in whether we can express our intentions clearly.

For example, some sisters reported that during the marriage, the other party always refused to communicate with us, and deliberately alienated us in front of the children. Everything was communicated through the children. Ask how to explain it to your children.

At this time, perhaps we try to listen to the fact that we feel lonely and abandoned. It may be because our need to be loved and valued has not been met.

And our needs are not only satisfied by him. As adults, we have many paths to satisfy ourselves, right? At the same time, we can also understand the children's feelings and needs.

At this time, the emotional turmoil of the parents may make the children feel afraid and frightened. The children may worry that their parents are quarreling because they are not good enough. What the children need is full of love, stability, and a sense of security. ?

When our hearts are calm, wisdom will come out. At this time, maybe you can say to your child: "Baby, the relationship between mom and dad is sick, just like your little rabbit will get sick. It may recover from the illness, or it may not be cured. Baby, are you good? It has nothing to do with the child. Baby, you are very good and well-behaved. Baby, don’t worry, your parents will let you grow up healthily.”

Finally, I invite everyone to communicate with non-violence and listen to yourself.

Sometimes when we listen to ourselves, we just need to be aware of what we need at the moment? And why this need is so important to me.

For example, when we are cheated on and have repeated emotions, we may not only vent to release our emotions. We can also feel the reminders of our emotions through self-listening, right?

Why are we so angry and unwilling? Is it really caused by the other party's cheating? Or did his cheating trigger some inner trauma in us?

So, in order for us to get out of the dark well of emotions, is it really the only way for us to stop cheating?

If he says he has stopped cheating today and secretly cheats again tomorrow, should we step out or continue to fall into the emotional abyss?

Is his loyalty really the only thing that can guarantee our happiness for the rest of our lives? So can he really guarantee his loyalty?

Perhaps we can take a look. Behind our anger and unwillingness, it is actually because our needs to be valued and loved have not been met.

Is there any other way to satisfy this sense of importance, love and sense of worth?

Who said that a woman’s value can only revolve around the small world of her husband and children. Once our husband cheats and the children are disobedient, we women are doomed to suffer to death?

We women can also have our own rivers and seas. Wife and mother are just one of our many identities. Our identity can be defined by ourselves.

The rest of life is very long, and there are still bright stars to see, leaving time for the most precious scenery; the rest of life is very expensive, I hope you and I can let go of other people's mistakes and free our own hearts.

True Record: I encountered an operation that was worse than cheating, which exposed the ugliest side of a man.

is responsive to outsiders’ requests and ignores his wife and children. How terrible is a cheating man?

Summary of thousands of cheating cases: A man is still rampant after betrayal, but it was his original wife who did this