For many people in a relationship, one of the things they hate most about their partner is settling old scores. I still talk about old things from a few months ago, or even a few years ago. I remember even the details clearly. Even though times have changed, I am still very emoti

For many people in a relationship, one of the things they hate most about their partner is settling old scores.

A few months ago, or even a few years ago, I still recounted the old events. I remember even the details clearly. Even though times have changed, I am still very emotional.

When settling old scores, one usually blames the other party for past events in order to vent their emotions.

Accusing yourself is enough to make your partner uncomfortable, but blaming someone for something in the past will do double the damage.

Always rehashing old scores will harm the relationship. Although it will not kill you in one move, it is like boiling a frog in warm water. One day, quantitative changes will lead to qualitative changes, which will make conflicts develop to the point of irreconcilability.

So, why do so many people still like to settle old scores?

Because the damage has not been eliminated, even if it is such a small thing as the other party forgetting his birthday.

If there is no timely communication at the time of the incident and the knot is not resolved, even after a long time, the feeling of grievance will still exist, and you will take the opportunity to relapse if you find an opportunity.

Secondly, we hope to control the status quo by settling old scores.

For example, when a wife always talks about the past cheating of the other party like Mrs. Xianglin, the original intention is to make the other party stop doing things that hurt her and compensate her in the future life.

Therefore, only by finding out the root cause of your partner's tendency to settle old scores and prescribing the right medicine can this contradiction be truly eliminated and no longer affect our relationship.

So, how should you deal with a partner who likes to settle old scores?

1

Accept each other’s emotions

A characteristic of a partner who likes to settle old scores is that they often bring up trivial matters, and they are the kind that outsiders often think are “not necessary.”

In fact, a small thing in your eyes may be a huge harm in the eyes of the other party.

Nancy recently had a big quarrel with her partner over such trivial matters.

One day, while she was chatting with her partner, she suddenly mentioned that it was her birthday last year. She had been looking forward to it for a long time, but her partner completely forgot about it. Not only did she not send her a birthday gift, she didn't even say a word of blessing.

The subject felt that she was making a fuss out of a molehill and was inexplicably going over old scores with accusations and aggression, so he said impatiently: "If you forget, just forget it. Isn't it okay if you don't forget it this year?!"

Nancy got angry as soon as she got angry. "What do you mean just forget it? What's your attitude?"

From Nancy's point of view, it was obvious that the partner made a mistake and forgot an important date, so why didn't she take it seriously and blame her for making a fuss out of a molehill? .

Indeed, forgetting a birthday is indeed a small thing.

What Nancy really cares about is that the other person doesn't care about her and doesn't love herself. This is a big and heart-wrenching thing.

It will activate the other person's insecurity, feeling of not being loved, and panic, and this emotion has been bothering Nancy for a long time.

Nancy's partner only saw her blaming herself and activated the defense mechanism, saying "if you forget, just forget", which was actually denying Nancy's emotions.

also told her: What happens happens, it happens, it is wrong for you to be angry, you should not have emotions, which further ignited Nancy's anger.

At this time, the first thing he needed to do was not to judge the other party for rehashing old scores, but to see Nancy's emotions.

For example, he can ask the other party: "Do you think I don't care about you because I forgot your birthday? Do you feel that our relationship has faded and are you worried?"

At this time, Nancy will feel cared for and noticed, maybe He will open up his heart, express his grievances and worries, and further develop a deep connection with his partner.

It's not her partner's fault that she forgot her birthday, and he doesn't need to change anything, but he can accept the other person and let his emotions flow out.

Only when emotions are seen and flowed can they no longer affect people's mood.

For Nancy, perhaps the most important thing is to find an opportunity to communicate well with her partner.

You must remember that there are some things you should never say, such as "How big is it to remember for so long?" "Small things matter."

These words are essentially hindering the flow of the other person's emotions. Denying the other person's emotions.

But emotions are actually like a raging tide that cannot be stopped.

2

Ask the other person about their needs

When a partner repeatedly mentions a past event in an accusatory tone, he must have an inner need.

He may not even be aware of this requirement, and needs you to remind him.

For example, a man repeatedly mentioned a time when his wife accused him of not making enough money in public. Every time he mentioned it, he was filled with righteous indignation, leaving his wife at a loss.

At this time, the wife can communicate like this: "I can see that what happened before made you feel very hurt, so what do you want me to do in the future to make you feel more comfortable?"

The husband will be able to withdraw from the anger. Come out, start paying attention to your own needs with the reminder of your wife, and summarize them.

He may hope that his wife will not belittle him in public in the future, and hope that he is at least not a failure in the eyes of outsiders. His opinions and suggestions should be expressed in a gentle tone when the two of them have private conversations...

Another example is There is a wife who always mentions how hard she has worked to raise her children and do housework. Some husbands think that the other party is blaming themselves, so they angrily say:

"Isn't it hard for me to work outside? Isn't it hard for me to work overtime on a 996 basis? I Is it just for myself that I have to work so hard?"

So the two of them took credit from each other and started competing to see who had contributed more to the family. The more they talked, the more they became more and more angry.

If the husband could ask his wife: What do you need me to do to make you feel better now? Maybe this kind of contradiction will not arise.

Maybe the wife will ask her husband to help her with some housework when he can;

Maybe the wife just wants her husband to praise her and affirm her own value and contribution to the family.

When the husband knows what his wife wants, it will be much easier to cooperate, and the wife’s resentment will be easily eliminated.

When we talk about communication barriers, that is, ineffective communication, we mean that one party wants to express A, but the other party thinks he wants to say B. The two people talk at the same time and fail to get the point.

The best way is to ask directly, ask the other party's feelings and needs, and ensure that both parties are on the same channel. This kind of communication will get twice the result with half the effort.

3

Express your feelings when the other party is going over old scores

When you hear that the other person is always going over old scores, it is normal to feel unhappy and irritable.

But the other person may not be able to understand your irritability. We say we should empathize with you, but sometimes the other person doesn't know how we feel.

For example, when the other party is talking about old scores again, instead of covering your ears and pretending not to hear, you might as well tell the other party:

"I heard you talking about the past again, and I feel a little irritated and helpless.

Because the past things have already happened. It's past, and I can't make up for it or change it no matter what. You always hold on to it, and I feel very powerless.”

Only then will the other party understand that he, who was settling old scores, only focused on venting his emotions, but did not notice that it also caused trouble to you.

After all, a long-term and stable relationship has never been based on one person’s happiness being based on another. Above one person's pain.

You have to express your pain so that the other person can realize it.

When the other person understands that it is detrimental to your relationship to always settle old scores, maybe the other person will stop complaining. If you bring up the past, he may explain to you clearly what his real demands are.

Or as mentioned above, if you ask the other party what he needs at this time, the other party will communicate more calmly.

Emotions cannot help. We solve problems, but problems arise from emotions.

Deal with and express emotions first, and then solve the problem. Even years of grievances may be solved.

In short, we should not treat old scores as a scourge, but as a scourge. A signal of communication is needed.

Someone always settles old scores, which means that we have some demands to communicate and some knots that need to be opened.

In this sense, it is actually a good thing to turn a blind eye to those contradictions. The seemingly harmonious relationship on the surface is actually undercurrent, and the conflicts are getting bigger and bigger like a snowball.

Only when the conflicts that have been piled up in the past come to light and the entanglements in your heart are resolved, can your relationship go deeper. Author | Zhishui, a healer, holds the psychological counselor qualification certificate from the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the IHNMA international hypnotist qualification certificate, and is committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature