文/丹老师
Poor people must be hateful.
One slap can't make a sound.
In the face of domestic violence, many people still blame the victims, and believe that those who have been domestically abused also bear unshirkable responsibility. The subtext of these people is: If you are perfect and have nothing wrong, how can you be domestically abused? Being domesticated must be that you are not good enough.
Although the Anti-domestic Violence Law of the People’s Republic of China has been formally implemented on March 1, 2016, there are express provisions in the legal provisions on the legal responsibilities of domestic violence and domestic violence, but there is still no Prevent the wanton spread of these statements.
Recalling a violent case last year, a 22-year-old young girl in Cixi, Zhejiang Province was killed with a knife by her ex-boyfriend.
unexpectedly appeared on the Internet:
A woman with two boats, it's time to kill.
spent tens of thousands of dollars with her boyfriend, but he refused to return it.
The girl’s elder brother had to explain to passers-by with a sign during the funeral:
My sister did not have two boats, and the two had already split up. After the split, the killer has been stalking and harassing.
My sister has a good family background and makes a lot of money, so she doesn't need to spend her boyfriend's money. On the contrary, this boyfriend is not only poor but also domestic violence.
They lost their loved ones and their hearts were blown to ruins. They still have to suffer such secondary damage. What are the intentions of the network keyboard men?
01 Facing domestic violence, why do so many people think that "the poor must have something to hate"?
"fair world hypothesis"
There is a noun in psychology called "fair world hypothesis". This theory was put forward by the American psychologist Melvin Lerner. He has drawn the following conclusions through experiments: When they find that they are unable to do anything to hurt others, some people begin to belittle the victim; the greater the harm, the more the devaluation. serious.
This is because the suffering of others and their own helplessness will challenge their sense of security and control established by the "fair world assumption" in their hearts. "Fair World Hypothesis" believes that the world is fair, what happens to the body is deserved, and blames the victim's retribution for unexplainable unfairness.
When Nan was less than three months pregnant, her husband was choked on her neck due to a little family trivial matter, and she almost couldn't breathe. Her friend and fellow, Tao, who graduated from a prestigious school, blurted out after learning about it:
The girls over there are all aware of the book and gift, shouldn't be domestic violence, did you anger him?
"Why did he beat you?" "He can't beat you for no reason!"
I don't know how many women who have been domestically abused have been asked this way.
Sina netizens said: Now when too many people face domestic violence, they think that the reason why these people are domesticated must be because they have done something wrong, even "As long as I don’t do such a thing, as long as I’m not someone like her, I won’t suffer such misfortune.
Women who have been domestically abused may have a bad temper and may not know how to deal with them. There may be various imperfections in the skills of getting along with mother-in-law. But are these imperfections the reason for being beaten arbitrarily?
Just as a woman is sexually assaulted, some people still say without thinking : She is wearing too revealing.
Liang Wendao said in the "Round Table School":
We must distinguish who is responsible. Sexual assault is a crime and should be It’s the offender who is responsible, not
who was sexually assaulted. Wearing exposure is just a lack of safety knowledge and should not be sexually assaulted.
The person responsible for domestic violence is not the victim, but the perpetrator.
The fact of violence is not allowed by laws and regulations. Any attribution method that escapes the violent behavior itself is to leave everything behind and to further harm the victim.
The cognitive structure of the subconscious
American scholar Jaxon Katz believes that victims of domestic violence are easily blamed. One of the reasons is the cognitive structure. Many people will unconsciously ask these women who have been domestically abused: what are they doing, what are they thinking about, and what are they wearing?
Jaxon Katz shared the process of a famous linguist explaining sentence construction:
John hit Mary, John is the subject and Mary is the object.
Mary was beaten by John, our attention shifted from John to Mary.
Mary was beaten, our attention was completely focused on Mary, and we did not expect John at all.
Mary is a woman who was beaten, Mary has a clear identity, a woman who was beaten.
At this time, our attention is completely focused on Mary and completely ignored by John.
Therefore, people often ask: Why are they attracted to these men? Why do they choose these men?
Jaxon Katz said: These inquiries can not solve the occurrence of violence, and cannot prevent violence, because the root of the problem lies in John.
Lin will never forget that scene, the husband suddenly possessed the devil, his eyes are red, like a demon The same kicked her belly wildly. She rolled on the ground in pain, yelled in pain, and was beaten to miscarriage. After the divorce, Lin returned to his parents' house. In a small town, wherever you go, you can hear everyone saying: Look, this is the woman who was aborted by her husband.
A relative who couldn't beat a pole came to her house and asked in front of her parents: Why did you marry him? What did you think?
Almost no one asked: What happened to your ex-husband? Why is your ex-husband domestic violence?
If we continue to pay attention to what is going on with women who have been domestically abused, the domestic violence problem will never be resolved.
The inculcation of male culture
The 2009 Report on the Demands of Violated Women Shows that 65.7% of the abused women believe that “being beaten is a shame” and 51.4% believes “being divorced” Bad reputation for women".
anti-domestic violence expert Chen Min said: " is a male culture instilled in women: you will be beaten only if you have a fault. "
However, what about it?
In the movie "Hello, Zhihua", Hu Ge plays Zhang Chao. Someone asked him, why is the wife of the goddess of domestic violence?
He is very honest:
Her eyes are so beautiful, she stared at me like that, making me feel like a scumbag, so I wanted to beat her.
She is a boring woman, she has no femininity at all, she cringes all day, and I just want to fight when I look at it.
sounds like nonsense, but it is the inner monologue of countless abusers: I think she should fight, I just want to fight her.
Fen has been married for 5 years and suffered countless domestic violence. At first, she thought she ignored him, and he didn't feel caring. Later I found out that any little thing can attract aBeaten up.
"Failed to listen to his phone in time, came home a few minutes late from work, refused to have sex because of illness, etc."
Fen felt that being beaten was particularly embarrassing because he was beaten. The divorce will even lose her face and parents. She suffered more and more injuries. The violent husband directly threatened her with a knife on her neck and hit her with a stool and glass bottle. Fen finally woke up and began to collect alarm receipts, guarantees, injury identification, voice threats, etc., as evidence of domestic violence.
She is no longer silent, and tells her family and trusted people about her experience of domestic violence. Because she has clearly realized that being domestically abused is not the reason for her, it has nothing to do with what she does.
02 How should we treat domestic violence?
Let down the accusations against the victims
The Beijing News commentator Chen Di said:
Domestic violence is also violence, and it should not be changed just because it appears in a family situation. A lot of acquiescence and indulgence.
Women in love and married people are also human beings. They should not suddenly be supposed to protect any member of society just because they have a "girlfriend" or "wife" name Abandoned by public rules.
American scholar Lundy bancroft specializes in the counseling project of perpetrators. Through decades of research, he found that: Beliefs, values and habits are the perpetrators Internal driving force.
These beliefs, values and habits are derived from the family environment of the perpetrator’s childhood, social culture and the influence of male elders around him.
Blaming the victim does not change the perpetrator’s violent behavior. Instead, it makes the victim fall into learned helplessness, afraid to tell what happened to him, worrying about being laughed at, worrying about losing face.
once read the story of a netizen, someone asked her: Why didn't she tell her story?
She said very helplessly, saying that not only did not help her, but might be regarded as a stain in her work and life.
Women who have been domestically abused have lost their self-judgment in the long-term closed violent environment, and their mind and body are firmly controlled.
If there is no safe talking environment outside, they can only lick their wounds alone, not only hurting themselves, but also serious children's physical and mental health.
The anti-domestic violence team needs more men to participate
Jaxon Katz calls for more men to participate in the anti-domestic violence team, especially if there are Powerful men. He repeatedly emphasized that in the face of domestic violence, we should ask:
Why do the perpetrators beat them?
Why is domestic violence still a serious problem?
In the United States and the world, why do so many men abuse verbally, physically and mentally?
What about the love between them?
What happened to the man?
When we focus on the violence of the perpetrators, analyze the reasons for their violence, formulate punitive measures for the violence, and inform them of the legal responsibility for the violence, these violent behaviors can be curbed.
A reader shared her personal experience. Her husband beat and kicked her in public many times, and her knees were all blue. She took a photo and went to her husband's unit to find the leader to report the situation, and the leader also received her at that time. Unexpectedly, it didn't take long for her husband to judge him as excellent.
In some departmentsEven if I know that my employees have committed domestic violence, I don’t think it is serious, but I think it’s an ordinary family conflict.
The violent behavior of many perpetrators will not directly affect his promotion and salary increase, nor will it affect the evaluation of him by the outside world. How can they easily change without any punishment.
Martin Luther King said: “ Finally, the most heartbreaking thing is not the words of the enemy, but the silence of our friends.
No one is an island, we live in the same world.
Create a culture that does not accept violence, let everyone know that violence is not only illegal, but also loses social status.
When each of us contributes to our own strength, more women and more children will benefit.
They may be our sisters, friends, relatives, they may be by our side .
About the author:
Teacher Dan, the national second-level psychological counselor, college teacher;
is good at the diagnosis and repair of emotional violence, helping More women get out of the hurt of emotional violence and reshape themselves.
