When we came home during the Chinese New Year, my cousin complained to us that he often quarreled with his wife. Unless he was away on business trip, there would be a big quarrel for three days and one small quarrel for two days. Then he looked at us, lowered his voice and asked: You look at peace, don't you usually quarrel? My husband rushed to answer: We are fine and never quarrel. I held back and didn't say a word, and thought: Only ghosts believe!
When we are in love, we all want to find the right person, who is upright and kind, agrees with ourselves, and then starts a happy marriage. But after you really enter the marriage relationship, you will find all kinds of problems with each other, and even in many things, there are irreconcilable contradictions between you, so you keep arguing. You will wonder, did you find the wrong person in the first place?
Is it right to find the right person, so I won’t fight? Today we are going to learn about Wu Zhihong 's psychology 's book "Why Love Hurts" to see the truth behind marriage wars and how to crack them to realize the true value of intimacy.
Wu Zhihong, a well-known psychological counselor, best-selling author of psychology, Peking University Master of Psychology. Wu Zhihong Psychological Counseling Center has been opened in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and other cities, dedicated to analyzing and understanding various typical phenomena of individuals and families with psychological in-depth analysis. Author of many psychology books. In the book "Why Love Hurts", the author tells us what love is through a large number of cases? Why love hurts and how to get true love.
1. Several common situations of couples quarreling
1. Control disputes caused by lack of security
In life,The husband and wife often quarreled about a trivial matter, refused to give in to each other, and both wanted to persuade each other, but neither was willing to give in. Generally, couples who have just entered into a marriage relationship often have this situation, because quarrels are also running-in, and this contest is also a process of mutual understanding between the two parties. In a healthy and intimate relationship, both sides of the contest will fail, but because of this, they know each other better, see what the other person is really like, and learn to deal with the real other person.
However, if the two parties continue to quarrel after the running-in period, it shows that both parties have a strong desire for control and both want to fight for the commanding heights of the marriage relationship. In this case, either cannot bear the breakup, or one party gives up the fight for control, otherwise it will continue to quarrel and live until the quarrel.
A typical example is my parents. They really belong to the ones who live to be old and noisy. My childhood has been shrouded in the shadow of their quarrels for a long time. Every time we quarreled, my brothers and sisters and I were scared to death. We always felt that they couldn't make it through. Some of our brothers and sisters would become fatherless or motherless children at any time, and the result has been until now. I also admire them-not too tired!
Why should we fight for control? The core reason is the lack of security. We want to have control over a relationship to resolve our inner anxiety. But in fact, a person or a relationship does not bring us a real sense of security. The security in our hearts still needs to be found and resolved by ourselves.
2. Cognitive differences lead to communication dislocation
This situation is similar to: I say east, he says west. Couples often have communication problems due to cognitive differences.
do you often hear someone say this:
"It’s good for him to do this,But he just didn't listen, and couldn't figure out what he was thinking? "
"I don't think he understands me at all, every time he picks and quarrels with me!
"I'm exhausted!" "If you are tired, don't do it!" "Don't you support me?" Who can support you with that little salary? "
......
Each of us has our own cognitive system, which determines our thinking and behavior habits. There may not be any major problems when we live alone, but when we enter a marriage relationship, You will find all kinds of disharmony. Moreover, in most cases, each of us is very attached to our own cognitive habits and thinking habits, and gives suggestions and comments to the other party from time to time. If the other party does not agree or accept it, we will think that It was the other party who had a problem, so all kinds of quarrels broke out.
Actually, if you want to understand the other party, just let go of your own set and try to stand on the other side’s position and angle to experience the other’s feelings. An important value of intimacy is to communicate feelings and identify with each other’s feelings, not to judge right or wrong or provide any solutions.
3. Stealth attacks caused by imbalance of strength
In a husband-and-wife relationship, if one partner is very strong, one is obviously weak, and the strong partner does not allow the weak partner to express his anger. Then, after a long time, you will find that the weak partner will often make some inexplicable mistakes, or even make mistakes. There are some very unusual behaviors and behaviors that make the strong party furious and even furious.
This situation looks like the strong party has been attacked, but in essence it is the weak party's counterattack. The weak party has surrendered to the strong on the surface. Suppression, but just like where there is oppression, there is resistance. The weak will always find another way and find some unique ways to fight back.Vent their anger.
There is a couple in our hometown, that's it. The husband has an upright personality and a hot temper, and he beats and scolds his wife at every turn. The wife looked soft, weak, and without opinion. His wife has a special feature, that is, her hands are very clumsy, she can't do everything well, she doesn't taste good in cooking, and she is also very poor in manual work. This made the husband even more angry many times, but he was helpless and often sighed with people that his life was not good.
If you attack, you will be angry; if you are attacked, you will also be angry. The solution is to learn to express anger.
Besides, if you don't actively express your anger, you will do it subconsciously. If you don't attack others, you will attack yourself. Patients with depression are typically the result of attacking themselves.
II. Summary
Arguing is also a way of communication, but it is not the more arguing the better. By understanding the truth behind the quarrel, we need to better understand ourselves, resolve the conflicts and contradictions between the two sides, make the relationship more and more mature and stable, and finally reap the happiness and satisfaction we expect.
It’s important to remember three points:
1. Don’t expect to gain a sense of security through a person or a relationship. The true sense of security must be found and resolved from your heart;
2. The most important value of intimacy is to communicate feelings and identify with each other’s feelings.Not others;
3. If you have emotions, you must express it, and a moderate expression is healthy for the individual and the relationship.
Of course, operating any kind of relationship is a slap in the face. If the other party in the relationship is not on the same beat with you, and is unwilling to cooperate with you to change, then it is wise to give up as soon as possible.
In short, I hope that each of us has the courage to enter a relationship and the confidence to leave a relationship. Don't wrong yourself, don't give up on yourself, love life, cherish life, and firmly believe that everything can be expected in the future!
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