shared with you the third phase of abandonment in the cycle of toxic relationships, in which we talked about pathological narcissistic abandonment and why they can’t accept being broken up. We also talked about their common reactions when they were broken up.
This article will talk to you about the fourth stage of entanglement.
The cycle pattern of toxic relations: Attraction period / Honeymoon period_span_span_span3_span_span_span_span_span_span_span3 Violent span_span_span_span_span1 violent ) → abandon → entanglement → attraction period/honeymoon period
If you are the one who was abandoned by the pathological narcissist and broke up, you will most likely find that you cannot be separated.
This is not just because you may have a reasonable relationship in reality, such as common children, financial relationships, work relationships, etc., but it seems that he will not let you go.
may try to reconcile after breaking up;
may try to maintain an alternative and uncommitted intimacy,For example, sexual partners;
may ask you to lend a hand to him;
may take various small actions or major actions to create trouble and pressure for you; _span3 pspan1 It's easy to let go, and he suddenly breaks into your life...
In short, he seems to have to continue to brush his presence in your life.
If you want a pathological narcissist to be clean after a breakup, it is usually when he has other narcissistic "supplies." If there is not enough supply, he is likely to try to redeem the attention of the old love, or find a way to make the old love unable to get rid of him and forget him.
At this time, the pathological narcissist may resort to the attraction/honeymoon period again, or other manipulative methods, trying to repair the old with you.
Ta tends to redeem you by catering to you, such as: saying that I repent and will not commit anymore, how much I miss you, and I will know how good you are when I lose it.
But, if you really compound with ta,In the future, he will not really change, he will only continue to repeat the pattern of narcissistic abuse, and he will devalue you even more in his heart, thinking that you are really "no brain", "silly white sweet" and "no dignity" to be hurt. Later, he still chose to look back.
Your nostalgia for the old, repaying grievances with virtue, magnanimity, emphasizing affection and righteousness are just self-defeating and sweeping dignity in his eyes. Even though there may be a short honeymoon period after recombination, the reality is that he will look down on you even more.
The pathological narcissist tries to reconcile the pleasing behavior after breaking up. There is a proper term in English called "Hoovering", which sucks the survivor (prey) back like a powerful vacuum cleaner.
It may be difficult for others to understand how survivors are willing to recombine with pathological narcissists after experiencing so much suffering.
In fact, when pathological narcissists try to hunt their prey, they often resort to many methods.
If you remember how fascinating you are during the attraction period, and the gas lamp effect and other mental control methods damage a person’s self-esteem, survivors have developed an unhealthy dependence on pathological narcissism and have lost them. Own independence.
Pathological narcissists already know the likes and dislikes of survivors, so it is easy for survivors to return to pathological narcissists or be manipulated to accept the unreasonable demands of pathological narcissists.
It’s worth noting thatSome pathological narcissists just want to brush their presence and continue their control and manipulation of the survivors, but they do not need the survivors to provide intimacy (because there are other sources of supply). Therefore, they are not hoovering, but harassing and attacking survivors.
After breaking up, they will continue to cause trouble to the survivors. If there are inseparable intersections, such as children, work, and legal obligations, pathological narcissism is equivalent to having unlimited ways to harm survivors.
Ta will create a series of dramas, including: spreading rumors and smearing, planting and framing, separating the relationship between children and survivors, finding various reasons for litigation, lying about survivors’ domestic violence against their children, and looking after drinking. Survivors make trouble, do not act in accordance with the divorce agreement or court decision, and even serious illegal acts of violence may occur (if you need legal support, please click here).
So, unless the pathological narcissist has enough narcissistic supplies, it will still be endless trouble after the breakup.
There are also many survivors who were brainwashed by gas lamps in this abusive relationship, lost their self-esteem and self, and developed unhealthy extreme dependence on pathological narcissists, but thought it was love. Still unable to give up the pathological narcissism during the period of abandonment or after the breakup. After being abandoned, it feels like I have lost myself, so I try to restore the pathological narcissism.
However, pathological narcissists lack the ability to empathize, cannot feel love and being loved, and lack the ability to communicate. They only have endless unsatisfied needs.
So, when the pathological narcissist abandons you, it is time that he does not need you and thinks you are worthless. You cannot save him. Only when he has a need and you still have use value, he will be willing to be restored by you.
In other words, breaking up is not the end of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse can go on forever, only with changes in patterns and relationships.
If you are unfortunately entangled by someone with a toxic personality, my advice is to try not to enter the relationship again.
Even if they guarantee that everything will be better after the compounding, that is just an excuse to continue to control you. The fact is that it is difficult to change their pathological narcissistic personality. Even if there is the possibility of change, it is not enough to maintain a deep and equal relationship.
What's more, you who are already scarred will only continue to be abused. Time and energy will be completely involved in the opponent's rude needs and unprovoked lies, and there is no energy and space to heal and rebuild.
In addition, try to cut clean with pathological narcissists to avoid disconnection, so as to avoid unpredictable harassment and farce in the future. If possible, even the social circle, work, residence, and contact information must all be changed.
If there are flying monkeys in your social circle,They often increase your distress and become accomplices of pathological narcissists. If these flying monkeys hinder your path to recovery, you may have to disconnect from these flying monkeys.
These major changes are a bit like the "witness protection plan" in the US judicial system. In order to protect witnesses who are in danger of life, they are allowed to hide, change their identities, and leave their hometowns. It is like "evaporation".
If you are a deeply traumatized survivor who continues to be harassed by pathological narcissism and injured by flying monkeys, sometimes you have to take such drastic measures to change before you can be reborn.
Although this approach is painful and difficult for many people. But only in this way can I have the opportunity to heal, recover, and rebuild.
This sounds exaggerated, but no matter whether it is based on many experts or my own work experience, I agree that if survivors want to escape the injury of narcissistic abuse and have the opportunity to heal, there are only two Choice: no contact or cold treatment (gray rock).
cut off contacts, cold treatment, literally simple and easy to understand, but in practice it is very difficult. In the future, I will continue to share with you the harm and healing measures of narcissistic abuse to survivors.
Reference article "Narcissistic Mania: Entanglement" Chen Sihan Pusti Transformation Workshop
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