I saw a hot topic on Zhihu: "What is it like to have a younger brother?" Netizens in the
comment area left a message: "I love and hate it. What's sad is that he took away the love my parents had for me." "We dislike each other when we are together, but we are worried when we are far away."
Different families have different answers.
In a family with two children, does the eldest child have to be humble, while the second child can enjoy the parents' preference exclusively?
Parenting expert Li Meijin pointed out: The biggest scam in the second child era is to let the old college learn "Kong Rong gives up the pear".
Indeed, asking the eldest brother to make a "sacrifice" will not buy the "brotherly love" that the parents want. It will only make the younger one more willful and the older one more aggrieved.
Children are just children, and their need for love is much stronger than their parents imagine.
If you have a preference, you should make up for it with love.
A study by the University of California in the United States showed that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers will unconsciously prefer a certain child.
Jeffrey Krueger, senior editor of Time magazine, said it was even more serious:
95% of parents are partial, and the remaining 5% are just unwilling to admit it.
So, who do parents prefer?
In fact, for many parents nowadays, the palms and backs of their hands are full of flesh. They do not deliberately prefer anyone. It is just that the second child is relatively weak and relatively cuter, so it is naturally easier for them to get their parents' attention and love.
Parents are partial and may destroy two children at the same time.
Dabao became depressed, timid and cowardly; Xiaobao became unruly and willful, blindly arrogant.
The two children also changed from a harmonious state to a hostile state.
This preference may be unconscious, and sometimes it is difficult for parents themselves to detect it.
Children are sensitive, however. There is a concept in psychology called Sibling Competition Disorder , which refers to:
A certain degree of emotional disorder in children after the birth of younger siblings.
This phenomenon is common, and if the degree of emotional disorder is unusual, it can become a pathological problem.
The more you have a preference, the more you should compensate for your love.
If parents love their little baby unconsciously, they should consciously set aside time or projects to be alone with Dabao, pay more attention to and accompany him, and give him enough love and attention so that he has a full sense of security and happiness.
In this way, he will not feel neglected due to the arrival of his younger siblings, which will have a bad impact.
Eliminate competition and cultivate teammate awareness
Do parents of second children feel this way? It seems that the more they pursue fairness, the more their children think it is unfair. Why do children become so obsessed with everything?
Usually, parents think that fairness is more about material things, companionship time, or praise. For example, I bought a toy gun for my younger brother, and I will soon buy the same one for my older brother. However, treating two children "fairly" like this often makes the children become fussy.
Parents should not reinforce the word "fair" too much. Seeking fairness in everything will make children always pay attention to whether the other party is "taking advantage", making children blindly pursue the superficial phenomenon of "fairness", and making children lack the perception of love and responsibility.
The fundamental solution to the second-child problem is not to pursue fairness, but to eliminate competition.
allows children to become good teammates on the same front, "bundle" the interests of two people together, and cultivate a sense of win-win cooperation between the two.
Let them understand that if there is a conflict and dispute, things will only get worse and both sides will suffer. If two people cooperate and help each other and unite as one, they will both be satisfied and achieve a win-win situation.
Under this kind of education method, when two people compete for something again, they have learned to negotiate and solve the problem internally, such as using rock, paper, scissors to decide who plays the game console first.
With the previous lessons, they know clearly:
If there is a disagreement, no one will be able to play the game console, but if each takes a step back, both of them will have a chance to play.
If you grab snacks, no one will get a bite, but if you learn to negotiate, both of you can get a bite.
The purpose of cultivating "teammate awareness" is to eliminate competition, reduce conflicts, and turn problems that require parents to resolve cases into opportunities for children to cooperate to solve problems.
Never compare two children
Many parents like to compare two children, such as:
"Stop being naughty, look at how good your younger brother/sister is."
"Our eldest child has excellent academic performance. Show, the second child is far behind..."
"My second child is very obedient, but the eldest child is very naughty!"
Parents may just say it casually, but every child has self-esteem. Such comparisons will leave a psychological shadow on the child, stimulate jealousy and resentment in the child, and thus affect the relationship between the two children.
Every child is unique. Parents should be good at discovering the shining points of their children and make them feel that they are the same and "special" in their parents' hearts.
Having a second child in a family brings a lot of joy, but also a lot of worries. How to balance the relationship between the two children is a required course for parents of second-child families.
As a parent, the first thing you need to do is to correct your mentality and have a correct understanding of the noise between two children. Secondly, you don't have to deliberately pursue the so-called "equality", but you should discover the real needs of each child and give your child exclusive love!
Reference: Quanling’s literacy course parent account
is updated on time at 11 o’clock every day: How about
, is this method simple and effective? Help your child collect it and let him practice! Feel free to leave me a message in the comment area.
For more exciting practical content on "Children's Education", please pay attention to "A Family Who Loves Learning Has Three Treasures".
