Issue 301 "Micro Classroom of Tutoring"
Author: Yue Xiaodong
(Harvard University Ph.D. in psychology, Distinguished Professor of Capital Normal University)
Zheng Banqiao Teaching children for good
Cultivating children's autonomy from an early age
Qing Dynasty calligrapher and painter Zheng Banqiao had a son in his later years and named him Baoer. Although he regards his son as a treasure, he never spoils him, but tries his best to cultivate his child's independence and often lets him do small things within his ability.When he was a county magistrate in Weixian, Shandong (now Weifang ), Zheng Banqiao fostered his son at his younger brother Zheng Mo's house. Zheng Banqiao was worried that his younger brother would spoil Baoer, so he wrote a letter " Weixian Bureau Second Book and My Son Mo ". The letter reads:
It is not reasonable to have a son at the age of fifty-two! However, love must be based on its own way. Even if you play, be loyal and honest, and do not worry about it... I am not at home, and you will be in charge of your son. You must be loyal and honest, drive away your cruel nature, and don’t think that you are just a son and cherish him...
Not only that, Zheng Banqiao once specifically told his wife: My son is like a piece of white paper, and things that are polluted into his heart cannot be "splashed down". If you mistakenly, it will leave unscrupulous regrets.
Legend, Zheng Banqiao called his son to the bed before his death and said that he wanted to eat the steamed buns he made with his own hands. Under the guidance of the chef, the son steamed the steamed buns with his own hands and hurriedly delivered them to his father's bed. However, at this time, Zheng Banqiao's eyes were closed, and there was a suicide note beside him:
sweats, eats his own food, and does his own career.
Relying on the heavens, people, and ancestors, are not considered heroes.
Zheng Banqiao's parenting is a painstaking effort. His parenting method is to make children self-reliant and self-reliant from an early age, not to rely on their parents, and not to be lazy. He doesn't care about his son's studies, passing the imperial examination, or becoming an official, but only hopes that his son will be a wise and generous person.
I have compiled a limerick poem to summarize Zheng Banqiao's parenting philosophy:
Banqiao There are strange tricks for parenting,
Children ask for advice on their work.
creates your own career,
is so proud of sweating and working.
To this day, the story of Zheng Banqiao teaching his children is still popular and can give us a lot of inspiration. Cultivating children's autonomy is an important mission of every parent. Autonomy includes children's ability to think independently, judge independently, act independently, and seek help in daily life. They are not completely dependent on others and are not controlled by others.
In psychology, children's autonomy is a manifestation of self-discipline, self-confidence, motivation, originality and sense of responsibility. It has no direct relationship with genes and family background, but is more developed through acquired training. As long as parents train them carefully, their children will gradually become independent, confident, and independent people when encountering problems.
Psychological research shows that autonomy includes three core contents:
Self-reliance, refers to the ability of children to independently complete things within their ability, such as getting up, dressing, urinating and defecating, listening to classes, doing homework, taking exams, etc.
Self-restraint, means that children can urge themselves to complete their scheduled tasks and restrain or delay satisfying those self-indulgent desires.
Self-aggression, means that children can have their own opinions on life arrangements and know how to express or fight for their own rights.
The important part of parents cultivating their children's autonomy is to maintain effective communication with their children. I remember when I was an intern consultant at Harvard University (1990-1992), I held a 4A effective communication workshop for students, including four parts: Accept-Ask-Advice-Adjust. Now, I have adjusted it to a communication mode in the face of parent-child relationship:
Accept (accept the child): Parents listen to their children's speech first. No matter what happens, let the children finish their words and accept their children's emotional fluctuations.
Ask (ask the child): Parents will conduct inquiry analysis after listening to their children to fully understand the ins and outs of things and encourage their children to think and judge independently.
Advice (suggested thinking): After parents ask questions, they will give their children suggestions. This will be very targeted and targeted, and children will be more accepting.
Adjust (adjustment strategy): The suggestions made by parents may not be appropriate. Children need to think and implement them themselves, and make adjustments after discovering problems.
A Effective communication can cultivate children's autonomy, but teaching by example is better than teaching by words, and parents also need to practice it. For example, some parents want their children to "restrain themselves" but they cannot do it themselves. The father criticized the child for being uncontrollable when playing with his mobile phone. The child casually retorted: "You said I always play with my mobile phone, so why do you always drink? Why do you play mahjong every day? When will you not drink or play mahjong, I will not play with my mobile phone!" Parents are inconsistent with their words and deeds, no wonder the child is not convinced.
Get rid of the flattering personality and learn to communicate independently
As children grow older, parents must learn to put down their figure and talk to their children equally, so that their children can learn to be self-reliant and self-reliant in an atmosphere of respect and understanding.
From a psychological point of view, a child’s growth is the process of going out of himself and learning to think from the perspective of others. Therefore, parents should guide their children to cultivate empathy from an early age and constantly switch between "self" and "he-me". Especially when the child is older and begins to have his own opinions, he will inevitably have conflicts with his parents. At this time, the parent-child relationship needs to be sublimated, which is called reconstructing the parent-child relationship.
In this, parents should learn to let go and delegate power, and act as a guide rather than a leader in their children's lives. means that parents should learn to encourage their children to make decisions on their own. Children need to break their shells, grow up, and make their own decisions. Parents' blind intervention will definitely cause the child to rebound. Over time, the parents and children will become in love and fight to the end of the world.
If parents take care of everything, it will be difficult for children to develop the ability to live independently and cannot achieve "self-reliance". If parents are too strong and their children are too depressed, their personality will become more and more tolerant, and they will neither dare to express themselves nor resist, and will not "prove themselves."
Until one day, the child was angry outside, you said, child, you have to protect yourself, don’t be cowardly! But the child said, you have been doing "cowardly" training for me, have you ever done "cowardly" training for me?
Some children endure and endure, and their hearts become very fragile and sensitive. They always want to make adults happy, afraid of being hurt, and exhausted, and finally develop a pleasing personality. The concept of flattering personality was proposed by the American family therapist Ms. Satya , which generally refers to those who pursue pleasing others, have no principles and are self-shaking. On the one hand, they care a lot about other people's evaluation and recognition of themselves, and on the other hand, they are easily angry, resentful, and inconsistent with other people's attitudes.
The most important step to get rid of a flattering personality is to let children learn to express their courageously. means that when their wishes and rights are ignored or squeezed, they should learn to actively strive for and protect their rights and realize "self-aggression". This is not to let the child make a fuss, but to ask for it wisely. In this process, children can understand that they may not be able to get it if they strive for it, but they will definitely not get it if they don’t fight for it.
Parents teach their children to learn independent communication from an early age, which is an important guarantee for cultivating children's self-confidence and self-esteem. "Autonomous Communication" refers to the fact that in communication, one considers one's own rights and feelings, as well as the other party's rights and feelings, in order to maximize the balance of rights and rational communication between the two parties.
autonomous communication is the best intermediary point between the two poles of communication (passive communication and aggressive communication). Passive communication often shows avoidance of conflict, so it is impossible to protect your rights and speak very clearly. It is easy to be subdued by the other party, give up some of your own ideas, and finally sulk. Attack communication often tries to control the other party, exploit the other party, or maximize one's own interests, which of course creates unfairness.
There are several core elements in autonomous communication: one is to pursue fairness and equality, the second is to express one's own wishes clearly and directly, and the third is to express one's own wishes cleverly. Of course, the most important element is to show sincerity. In autonomous communication, it is necessary to clearly state that doing something is not just for yourself, but also from the other party's perspective, so that the other party feels sincere, so that the other party will be easier to cooperate.
The famous Indian poet Tagore once said, "Love is an alias for understanding." In the process of guiding children to learn independent communication, parents should give their children a piece of understanding and respect they expect so that they do not have timidity, fear, anger, or resentment when communicating with their parents. Then, he will be more willing to express his true thoughts in front of his parents.
The more parents encourage their children to express more and empathize with more, the more confident the children will be and the more they can think from their perspective. If this continues, children will be good at protecting their rights, be brave in their work, and be able to express themselves freely.
In short, children with autonomy will be more optimistic, firm, bold and sunny. Revolutionary mentor Marx once said: "Life is like the ocean. Only those with strong will can reach the other side." I would like to give this to all parents for their encouragement.
Source: Marriage and Family Magazine
