——Family Education Consultation 3000 Question Series 9
"The child doesn't go to school, locks himself in the room all day long, plays with his mobile phone day and night, and doesn't open the door, what should I do?!"
"Our son is becoming more and more unwilling to study now! His emotional state is not good, and he doesn't care about talking to him. Alas, I'm really a big deal!"
"The child's grades have declined sharply during this period, and I realized that he was in love! I really didn't expect why my son, who is usually well-behaved, suddenly became like this?!"
"Our son hums and doesn't want to get up every morning. He is 1.8 meters tall. He still makes such a stubborn manner when he gets up all day and says he doesn't want to go to school. I reason with him every day, but he is still the same. Alas..."
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The mothers around me who came to consult these questions were all mothers around me, the children were all boys, and they were all in adolescence.
What they don’t understand is: Why is the obedient and sensible son who is young, the older he is, the more disobedient he becomes?
Yes, their children were generally very obedient and sensible when they were young. What they don’t understand even more is that if they have paid so much, why does the older the child is, the less worry-free?
For more than ten years, they have not only taken care of the trivial matters of their children's food, drinking, defecation, but also their studies, being responsible for picking up and dropping off children to and from school, tutoring their children's homework, attending parent meetings every semester, etc., as well as various school activities and homework, extracurricular interest classes, etc., they are all worried about. Even the children are sometimes naughty and naughty to discipline them...
Why do children have so many problems when they reach puberty?
Parents who have been following articles of my official account have seen that I have written many articles about family-type children's problems, many of which are caused by divorced families.
However, their families are all normal families, the marriage relationship is stable, and fathers have their own stable jobs and successful careers.
Why do children still have these problems in normal families?
But when I further learned about how my father usually does it, I found that the fathers rarely or basically never appeared, especially in children's education.
Where is the father? Where have dads gone?
Many people may have seen this formula:
Absent father + anxious mother = out-of-control child
That is, an absent father and anxious mother raise an out-of-control child. The children's problems above
and above have a lot to do with their father's absence.
So, where did their children's father go? Why is it absent? In my communication with them, I heard the most like this:
"The child's father is very busy with work and has no time to accompany the child..."
"My husband can't control the child well, and the child doesn't listen to him at all!"
" Raising children is a woman's business, and we men are responsible for making money to support the family..."
A person's thinking/cognition often determines his actions, and actions determines the final result.
Does your father really only be responsible for work and earn money to support his family in the family?
Is raising/educating children really the only thing that mothers do?
If you think so, it may really delay the child!
First of all, we need to see what are the role positions of parents in a family?
The role of parents assumes different missions and responsibilities in the lives of children.
Mother:
Warming the family and raising children means embracing, accepting, and giving stable emotions to help children solve life problems.
father:
Economic pillars and role model power means order and rules, giving confidence and strength, so that children can face the world fearlessly.
Second, we also need to see: What is the relationship between a father and a child?
University of Montreal Professor Daniel Parker believes that there is a word that can aptly describe the attachment relationship between a father and a child, that is, the "activated" relationship: he believes that the relationship between a mother and a child is more of comfort. The relationship between father and child is more prominent in the part that leads the child to the world.
A good father-son/father-daughter relationship helps to inspire and arouse children's positive emotions, helps them to go beyond their limits, be brave to face danger, be fearless in a strange environment, and dare to survive independently.
Therefore, wise mothers should encourage fathers to play their own advantages and play the role of fathers in their children's growth.
Encourage and trust fathers to get along with their children in their own way, rather than ask their fathers to take care of/discipline their children in their own way. I have seen many such mothers, which lead to fathers losing their enthusiasm to participate in raising children, and gradually form the so-called "widowed parenting". Behind the "widowed parenting" of
, in addition to the deviation of fathers' understanding of children's education, there is another control from the mother (the previous mothers have such characteristics), requiring fathers to do what they ask. Once the father fails to do it, he feels that the father is not good enough and cannot educate the child. He might as well not want him to participate, and he should do it himself.
Dad is happy to be idle without enthusiasm, and in the end he is naturally missing.
But no one is born to be a father/mother. We learn to be a mother and have practiced countless days and nights to develop strong parenting skills.
If the mother does not give her father a chance, the father will never learn to discipline and educate his children, and will not learn how to get along with her children. The children's problems often break out during adolescence.
Third, behind the problem is the sequence of relationships:
Many mothers put their children first after having children, that is, parent-child relationship first, and put their husbands to the end, that is, husband-wife relationship last.
Parents’ love of their children is understandable, but such ordering violates the correct rules of family operation.
In a family, the correct relationship order is: husband and wife relationship first, and parent-child relationship second. That is, husband-wife relationships are always more important than parent-child relationships.
When a husband-wife relationship becomes the core of the family, both parties can be nourished in this good relationship, and they can experience each other's love for themselves enough, which will give their children enough love and strength.
Because children need not only to obtain family warmth and inner emotional comfort from their mothers, but also to obtain role models and male masculinity from their fathers. Both are indispensable.
This is why parents come with their children’s problems, and I will first adjust the family relationship and first take them to repair the relationship between husband and wife – because children’s problems are appearances, and children’s problems are actually a microcosm of family relationship problems.
If you only "treat" your child's problems, it will treat the symptoms but not the root cause.
Dear mothers, on the road of children’s education, dad will always be your best partner!
When a child has a "problem", both husband and wife should abandon criticism and criticize each other, but seek better cooperation. This is the correct way to do the best interests of the child.
On the road to healthy growth of children, parents will always be the best companions and supporters for their children!
