"It may be difficult for people who have not been mothers to imagine how difficult it is for an old mother with a baby to go [to the toilet] [alone] [quietly]."
This is what a mother posted on Weibo A "sentiment" about going to the toilet.
One stone stirred up a thousand waves, and the comments below were full of complaints:
@ae Original intention: Is it easy to go to the toilet? The bathroom door handle was almost broken by the kid, and the lock would be broken if he didn't come out! I cried "Mom" so hard that I was so frightened that I had to hold it back...
@LV's Pistachio: At first, I was lying on the ground trying to see through the crack in the door, but now I'm moving a stool and sitting face to face. look. shouted "Smelly" and "Mom, I don't want to leave you"!
@Sitting on the toilet in a daze: did not allow me to close the door, but stood at the door and acted cute, handed out papers, pushed the button to flush the toilet , and even closed the toilet seat for me. Is there any one-stop service like an emperor? But I haven’t finished pooping yet...
@林 Fatty Loves Meat: When I go to the toilet, my husband comes in every half minute to check on the baby. If he doesn’t look at me, he will cry until he dies, because he is afraid that I will disappear or fall into the toilet. Here... "Mom"'s voice is deafening, and going to the toilet is as tragic as parting with death!
My little ancestor, your mother just wants to eliminate body waste in one go! Please let go, please stop, please be quiet for 5 minutes...
Others get hemorrhoids because they sit in the toilet and play with mobile phones; The old mother gets hemorrhoids, maybe because she has to look after her children while sitting in the toilet...
You Do you think that if you tolerate it a little longer, your child will be fine? Wrong. My son is now more than 8 years old. When I go to the toilet to take a shower, he will knock on the door with his homework and yell, "Mom, I can't do this question!" Every time at this time, I feel a rush of emotion. The nameless fire will rise spontaneously!
After becoming a mother, going to the toilet is an uphill battle! Not to mention shopping and shopping for afternoon tea, the quiet time spent squatting in the pit is a luxury.
The first time I heard a child call "Mom", I was moved to tears and thought it was a call from an angel. Now Tang Monk is shouting "Mom" all the time like he is chanting sutras. His ears are calloused and his heart is going crazy. He wishes he could put a switch in his mouth.
Why do children always look for their mother when everything is fine?
Babies all over the world cling to their mothers, because in their eyes, mother - "You are the sky, you are the light, you are the only myth, I only love you, you are my super star!" (Mothers born in the 1980s grew up) Only later did I realize that the song "Super Star" by S.H.E was originally sung from the heart of a baby!)
French psychologist Vallon pointed out that children establish good attachment with their parents during the infancy of 0 to 3 years old. Relationships are very important. This parent-child attachment relationship is divided into four different types: secure, alienated, fearful, and obsessed. [1]
Which kind of child is the healthiest? Secure attachment style - children whose mothers cry and fuss at home.
1. Because of trust, there is a demand
A secure mother-infant attachment relationship comes from trust in the mother. Because of trust, there is demand.
"American Parenting Encyclopedia" explains the child's "sticky mother" behavior like this:
If the mother is not at home and other caregivers tell you that the child is as good as an angel, it is because: the child does not trust other people enough and dare not To test their bottom line. [2]
Children know how to look at things from birth. In front of outsiders, children are well versed in the principle of "keep away from strangers" and are aware of current affairs and know not to act willfully, so they will be "cowardly" to stay safe with outsiders. Distance, disguised as relatively well-behaved.
However, in front of his closest mother, the more disobedient he becomes, the more he becomes arrogant. It is precisely because of his mother's unconditional tolerance that they can safely let go of all their defenses and be their true selves.
2. Crying children get sweets to eat
If a child is too well-behaved, his urgent need for attention can easily be ignored, so he will use various "making" methods to attract the mother's attention.
They challenge the limits of their parents, crave their attention, and test the bottom line of the rules... It is nothing more than proving that they are still deeply loved.The more
disappears, the more sticky it becomes. The more we meet, the more frequently we call "Mom". The superficial crying, cheating, clinginess, and coquettishness are just disguises to hide oneself, while the desire to be loved and seen is the formal cry from the heart.
3. Don’t use your brain when encountering problems, and habitually rely on them.
If the mother is too attentive and takes care of everything, the child will become habitually dependent. When encountering difficulties, he or she will either call mom or avoid them, losing the ability to face difficulties and solve problems.
Frank Clark once said that the most important lesson a parent can teach his children is how to survive independently from their parents.
If you want your children to stop calling mom when something happens, you have to train them to do it themselves. The more they don't let go, the more dependent the child will be and the more frequently they will call mom.
4. The absence of father’s role in parenting
However, mother is also very tired. Why does the child only go to mother and not father when something happens?
Some people say that if one day a child suddenly calls "Dad" instead of "Mom", then his next sentence must be to ask "Dad, where is my mother?"
Of course, there is another possibility, the child is really looking for Dad helped. As a result, the father's next sentence was - "Go to mom."
The lack of father's role in the child's growth forced the mother to take care of everything. mothers become the first and only person that their children think of when something happens to them.
family has super glue , how to solve the sweet burden?
The truth is so gentle, but my mother’s desire to go to the toilet quietly is so strong. If you don’t want your children to have to hug you when they grow up, you need to build a foundation of security from an early age.
1. Give children a sense of control - I am here, I am the backing
Some parents are afraid that their children will become a habit of looking for their mother, and will use crying as a threat, so they adopt a cold treatment - "The more you yell, the more I ignore you, and the more you cry, the less I hug you. , I will hug you only if you are obedient.”
As everyone knows, a mother’s “idleness” is seen as cold rejection in the eyes of her children. This arouses the child's fear of abandonment. And because of this fear, the child will cling to the mother more and more often, calling her mother more frequently to make sure that he has not been abandoned.
Children need to prove that they are loved, just like people in love constantly ask each other "Do you really love me?" A mother who can respond to her child in a timely manner will give her child a sufficient sense of security.
The correct approach should be to first let the children know - I am here and I am your backing.
Give your children timely feedback - Hey, mom heard it, I'm here!
Accept children’s needs and emotions - Are you unhappy? Tell your mother.
Give comfort, but it is not necessary to give immediate solutions - you can give the child a look, a smile, a hug, let the child know that you are around, calm his emotions, and also let him learn to wait appropriately and learn to delay satisfy.
encourages children to solve independently - guide children to think independently and give children a chance to try.
respond in a timely manner and actively encourage, giving the child confidence, peace of mind, and confidence.
2. Build the self-confidence of "I can"
It is especially important to teach children the ability to "solve problems" and let them build the confidence of "I can do it" instead of asking their mother to solve the problem.
For example, when a child cannot put together a puzzle and is so angry that he pushes the puzzle and starts shouting "Mom, I can't do it", don't rush to help: "Don't cry, mom will help you", and don't rush to push the child. :"Come on, you can do it". Because what children who are currently depressed want to see most in their hearts is the frustration of "I can't do it."
There is a term in psychology called "same frequency resonance", which means that when two people are at the same frequency, she can hear what you say. Otherwise, she is playing the piano to others. When you can see the "difficulties" of your child, then he can let go of his fear of "difficulties".
So, we can first understand the child’s feelings: “Yes, mom also finds this puzzle difficult."Let the child feel that his frustration and powerlessness are seen, and being empathized with can make him feel accepted, understood, and gain strength.
Then, we can pretend to study the puzzle with the child, seemingly helping the child Solving problems is actually building a step for children to solve problems step by step.
"This piece is red, baby, which position do you think is appropriate?" "Oh, if red can't be placed here, where else can it be placed?" "Use the tone of asking for help to arouse the children's interest in using their hands and brains, and subtly guide the children to return to the way of solving problems independently. Whether the
puzzle can be completed is not the most important. The important thing is that in this process, Guide the child to make new discoveries, gradually build his self-confidence, and the tenacity to solve problems independently.
3. Take the initiative to show weakness - child, I need you
The reason why children call mom is because they feel they need mom. , the mother calls her baby, but it can make the child feel needed.
Every child has a heart that is eager to grow up. The mother's appropriate display of weakness will inflate the child's inner desire for protection and desire to do it for the mother. Those "things mom can't do".
So, in life, we can pretend to be weak from time to time and give the opportunity to help to our children.
These bags of things are too heavy. It would be great if there is a strong man to help.
Mom is so tired that I don’t have the energy to put away the toys. It would be great if there was a little angel to help me put them away.
My mouth is almost dry when I tell stories. It would be great if someone could bring me a glass of water!
There are so many clothes today that I can’t fold them. I wonder if there is a robot that can help?
If you are questioned from a young age, “If you can’t do it well, wait for me”, then the child will only become timid and afraid of everything. Just waiting for adults to solve it.
Children who have been trusted and "needed" since childhood will have a higher sense of existence and accomplishment.
4. Establish a secure attachment relationship - a safe base to rely on.
Some words for children. They would only tell their mother because she was their exclusive "tree hole".
was pushed down by a classmate when she was in kindergarten. The teacher rewarded her with a small red flower. On the way home, she saw a small dragonfly and discovered a new thing while playing with toys. How to play... and so on, you think it is trivial, but it is a big deal to your children. They all want to share it with you.
Parents should create a safe base for their children to rely on, so that a child can feel free to worry about anything. A place to show your true self.
The more children can get emotional support, the braver they will be to face the outside world, and the construction of a sense of security will be more complete.
Saying "Mom", don't worry, there is love hidden secretly. .
Next time, when you go to the toilet, you will be faced with a crying child at the door. Don’t be impatient, don’t be upset, and don’t be angry.
After all, this is the only child in the world who doesn’t dislike you going to the toilet. smell.
After all, he is willing to stick to you and call you all the time, even in the past few years when he was a child.
It is said that the bathroom is "a refuge for adults"
Leave a message in the comment area to talk about your refuge
Editor丨Antelope, observer of human cubs.
title picture丨
network
reference material丨
[1] "The formation of attachment: How the mother-infant relationship shapes our emotions throughout life" Robert Karen/China Light Industry Press, December 2017
[2] "American Pediatrics Encyclopedia of Learning to Parent" written by Steven Shelfer/Beijing Science and Technology Press, March 2018, sixth edition
[3] ""The World Needs Fathers"" written by Cassie Carstens/published by Shaanxi Normal University Society, August 2017
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