Text | Cheats Master
I remember when my cousin gave birth to a baby, I went to visit her. The baby was crying loudly while she was talking, and no one in the family went to hold it. They said that the baby should be allowed to cry for a while, exercise his lung capacity, and "nurture his body" by the way, so as not to have a baby. Hug her when she cries, and she will be spoiled from now on.
personally thinks this is the beginning of "delayed gratification".
If you are careful enough, you will find that the education method of "delayed gratification" is everywhere. Parents will not buy whatever their children want to eat immediately, but will need the children to meet certain conditions before they can get it.
For example, if a child wants a certain toy, the parents will not agree immediately, but first set a condition, "Then parents will see your behavior in the past few days and then buy it if you behave well."; if the child wants to eat some snacks, the parents will say, then You write it down in your wish book first, and then you can buy it after you get five stars.
Parents believe that not meeting their children's needs immediately, but setting a certain buffer time, can enhance their children's resistance to frustration and endurance, and make them more resilient.
In fact, this is a misunderstanding and abuse of "delayed gratification", which will mislead children and cheat parents.
◆The origin of "delayed gratification"
I believe that parents use the "delayed gratification" method to educate their children, which is derived from that famous psychology Learning experiment.
In the 1960s, Stanford University Psychology Professor Michelle designed such an experiment:
Researchers asked kindergarten children to stay in a room with candy on the table, and told them that the adults had to leave. , if they can resist eating these candies, they will be rewarded with more candies when the researchers come back.
As a result, only one-third of the children resisted the temptation and received more snack rewards. . And these children were later followed up to prove that those who could delay their waiting performed better in studies and had better control over their weight and bad habits.
Therefore, parents believe that if children can be delayed in gratification, they can gain self-control. If you are stronger, you will be more promising in the future.
"Delayed gratification experiments" are being carried out in various families. Of course, most of them are misused.
◆Misuse of "delayed gratification"
1. Wrong approach:
Within a reasonable range, when a child wants something, parents do not immediately satisfy it, but set up various obstacles that require the child to "pass through" to get it. This is a misuse of "delayed gratification"
It will at least. Causes the following effects:
2. Harm:
Destroys the child's sense of security.
For babies, parents' timely response can build the baby's sense of security and trust in the world. When the child cries, someone will hug it, and when it makes a fuss, there will be someone to hug it. By coaxing him, he will feel that he is not alone and that the world can be trusted. This is the establishment of an initial sense of security.
But if parents adhere to the "delayed gratification" mentality and make their children cry for a long time before hugging them, they will make trouble. After waiting for a while to respond to the child's emotions, the child will doubt himself and become vulnerable and lose his sense of security.
This will destroy the child's trust in his parents.
Parents always say they love their children, but how should they show it? If the child's reasonable requirements cannot be met in time, the child will feel that he is not taken seriously, cannot feel the love of his parents, and will become suspicious of his parents.
consumes children's patience and ability to wait.
The more timely parents meet their children's reasonable requirements, the happier the children will be and the easier it will be to be satisfied. But if a child has demands and is eager to be satisfied, but parents repeatedly set up obstacles, it will naturally wear down the child's patience and make it harder for the child to be satisfied.
◆How to use the "delayed gratification" theory correctly?
Maybe some parents will say that if you say this, "delayed gratification" cannot be used at all? Not really.
It can be seen from the experimental process that the correct "delayed gratification" of is not to set conditions in advance and satisfy them only when the conditions are met, but to delay gratification with encouragement.
For example, if a child frequently goes to the canteen to buy small toys, his parents tell him that if he saves his money, he can buy the large toys he likes. allows children to understand that after waiting, there will be greater rewards. This is the true meaning of delayed gratification.
"Delayed gratification", the younger the child, the less suitable it is. When parents meet their children's reasonable demands in a timely manner, they can improve their children's happiness. Children who can be satisfied in a timely manner are more emotionally stable, more willing to cooperate with their parents, and have a better parent-child relationship.
Senior nanny and psychological counselor. He understands parenting and psychology, and also pays attention to mothers' self-growth and family management, and strives to be a caring person for mothers.
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