I saw a piece of news before. A mother helped her child with homework, but because of a math problem, the child couldn't learn it.
She told the story over and over again in order for her child to learn well, but the child just didn't understand. She was so angry that she had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment.
It was really shocking. Fortunately, the mother was safe.
Why are parents more anxious than their children?
Because the child won't push him, the parents are furious, but the child still seems to have nothing to do with them. Many friends around me have also told me about this dilemma.
It wasn’t until I read "Self-Driven Growth" that I realized that the fundamental reason is that children lack the internal drive to learn. Therefore, in this case, even if you tell it over and over again, the child still doesn't understand.
"Self-driven Growth: How to Scientifically and Effectively Cultivate Children's Self-Discipline"
This book is undoubtedly a good book that teaches parents how to help their children find their own inner drive and stimulate their potential.
This book was written by William Sticksrud and Ned Johnson.
William is a nationally renowned clinical neuropsychologist who has been dedicated to helping children cope with anxiety, learning disabilities and behavioral problems for 30 years.
Ned founded one of the most successful educational coaching companies in the United States. He regards cultivating today's young people as his career.
Although they have different backgrounds, academic backgrounds and service targets, they are all trying to help children find their own inner drive. The book
introduces that excessive stress can damage the brain, that a sense of control is the antidote to stress, and that drive is rooted in a sense of control, competence, and autonomy.
Therefore, what parents have to do is not to force their children to follow the path we have set for them.
Rather, it is necessary to guide children to learn to think independently, make independent decisions, and be responsible for themselves, fully release their inner drive for self-improvement, and shape a lifelong growth mindset, so as to achieve better physical and mental health growth, better academic performance, and higher education. level of career success.
Then how to cultivate children’s internal drive? I summarize it in the following three points:
01
Stimulate children’s inner drive and return the decision-making power to children
"Self-driven Growth" mentioned that each of us wants to control our own destiny, and so do our children.
When a two-year-old child tells you "I will do it myself" and "I can do it myself", and a four-year-old child tells you "Why should I listen to you", they are expressing very strongly that the decision-making power belongs to me. .
A friend told me before that when she was a child, when her parents asked her to eat this or that, she would get very angry and throw things directly on the table, and she was very bored inside.
Just imagine, who wants to be asked to do this or that all day long? Over time, inner dissatisfaction will explode.
The fundamental purpose of these parental controls is to deprive children of their right to make decisions. The result is that children feel powerless and overwhelmed, and are more likely to become anxious, lose their temper, or even give up on themselves.
Therefore, if you want to stimulate your child's inner drive, you must abandon, "I have the final say about my child," "He is still young and doesn't understand anything," and "I do this because I love him and help him." Wait for the thought and return the decision-making power to the children.
Maybe you are worried that if you give the decision-making power back to your children, what will happen if your children make inappropriate decisions?
《Self-driven Growth》
Don’t worry, what I say here is to return the decision-making power to the children, which does not mean to let it go, but to cooperate more strategically and intelligently between parents and children.
But this is easy to say, but not easy to do.
Many parents may not know how to start. The book gives the following suggestions, which I believe will help you:
1. You can hold a family meeting to discuss the household chores at home and how the whole family divides the labor, allowing the children to make their own choices.
2. You can find some decisions that you have made for your child before, but he has different views on it, and the two of you can analyze the efforts and rewards of these decisions together.
3. You can share with your children the decisions you have made, the shortcomings you find in retrospect, and how you learned and grew from them.
Please remember, If you want your children to come to the forefront, parents need to hide behind the scenes and provide scientific guidance.
02
Maintain children's internal drive and make the home a safe haven for children.
The book mentions that there are three types of stress: positive pressure, tolerable pressure and toxic pressure.
The first two kinds of pressure can promote children's growth, make them more able to take risks, perform better, and improve children's internal drive.
Toxic stress, instead of helping children, can actually affect their physical and mental health and sap their internal drive.
Today's children are under various pressures from school and society, which has made them very uncomfortable.
If parents continue to force their children to do this or learn that when they get home, the children will be very angry and will inevitably fight among themselves.
Have you noticed that the frequency of quarreling with your children has increased?
The long-term result is that it brings invisible pressure to the child. Maybe you just casually ask: "Did you do your homework?" The child may slam the door with a "bang".
And this kind of pressure is undoubtedly toxic pressure, destroying children's self-driving force bit by bit.
So, as parents, what we have to do is to love our children unconditionally and provide a safe home for them. For children, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover.
The book "Self-driven Growth"
talks about a young man who had very poor academic performance in high school and failed in college twice. When he talked about his adolescence, he frowned because at that time he felt that studying was very painful and he would quarrel with his parents at every turn.
When asked him: "What do you think your parents should do when you are in high school to make your life better?"
After thinking for a long time, he said: "If they see me, sometimes they can behave very "I'm happy, then I think it might be helpful."
's simple words revealed the helplessness he felt for a long time.
Faced with children’s learning pressure, it is inevitable for parents to be nervous, but precisely because children are under great pressure, we need to stay calm at this time.
If you say to your child at this time: "I love you so much, I don't want to quarrel with you over homework." Who knows, your child will throw herself into your arms and cry.
Home should be a safe haven for children. It not only allows children to freely explore the colorful world, but also gives them a healthier way to grow up.
Even if they are in difficult situations, their resilience will be enhanced by being deeply loved by their parents.
03
Improve children's inner drive and help them find the true love in their hearts
The book talks about that when children focus on something they love and is challenging, they will enter a state called "flow". It feels like time passes quickly, your concentration is high, and you don’t feel stressed.
When you see a child, lips pursed, concentrating on building a Lego castle, don’t disturb him. He is adjusting his brain and enjoying the interconnectedness of feelings and intense concentration, practice and effort. pleasure.
This is the manifestation of the "flow" state. Don't underestimate this state, it will have a profound impact on his later drive building.
《Self-driven Growth》
My colleague's child was full of passion for music when he was in junior high school. I watched him play and sing with his piano in his arms all day long. After entering high school, he spent time every night enjoying the joy that music brought him.
High school has relatively heavy study tasks, so he has to set a practice time for himself, from 7 to 8 pm, but in most cases, when he ends practice, he thinks it is 8 o'clock, but in fact it is already past 9 o'clock, because He was in a state of "flow" all the time.
He later realized that his actions at that time made his brain constantly familiar with this state.Later, when he determines the goal, he can do it faster and better, devote himself to it, and gain something from it.
So the author said that if you want to help children improve their internal drive, then you must help them find the things they love most in their hearts. How does
help children find the things they love most?
You can work on the following points:
1. You can ask him what things in his daily life will make him feel "really happy" afterwards.
2. Help your child express goals and write them down.
3. Providing children with space and time to do what they like can stimulate them and create flow in any activity.
4. In the face of difficulties, guide and shape children's love for challenges and persistence. For example, tell him: "I knew you wouldn't give up."
If your child doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything, you can look for mentors or role models in different fields to expose your child to a wider range of career and life choices.
To improve children's internal drive, parents need to help their children find things they love and give them full support.
Conclusion:
The process of cultivating self-motivation is long and painful, but it will completely change a child's life.
Therefore, we need to be prepared for a long-term battle, and use scientific methods to return the decision-making power to children, and give them unconditional love, help them find the love of their hearts, let them learn to run their own lives, and strive to empower their lives. significance. The book
made me realize that many previous methods of educating children were wrong, and it helped me a lot. I believe this book will also bring new thinking to parents, and perhaps, the children's lives will be changed as a result.
Please follow me, I am Danxue, I like warm words, and I also hope that my words can bring you happiness and help.
