"Original Family"
formerly known as "toxic parents"
literally translated as: toxic parents
How to repair your own character flaws
[US] Written by Susan Forward, Craig Buck
Translated by Huang Shu and Wang Ting
Beijing Times Chinese Bookstore
Chapter 13 Overcoming the Fear of Confronting Your Parents Once and for All
● Confronting your parents may be the most frightening and empowering thing we will ever do. Confrontation means that we have to face our parents bravely after careful consideration for the painful past and difficult present.
●Confrontation requires us to tell our parents how the unbearable memories of our childhood have affected our lives and our current relationships with our parents.
●The purpose of confronting parents is to confront them, tell them the truth and overcome the fear of facing them, and to position our relationship with our parents in the future.
●When confronted, parents may deny their past behavior, shift the responsibility to their children, and get angry.
●The ultimate goal of confrontation is for ourselves, not for our parents. As long as we have the courage to face our parents, then our confrontation will be successful.
●Confrontation can maintain our self-esteem and reduce our feelings of helplessness and incompetence.
●If we don’t resolve our own fear, guilt, and anger toward our parents, we may transfer it onto our spouses and children.
●Four basic requirements that must be met when confronting parents: ① Must be strong enough to deal with parents' rebuttal, denial, blame, anger, or any other negative emotions caused by confrontation. ② There must be a sufficient support system to help us go through three different stages: anticipation of confrontation, confrontation itself, and the consequences of confrontation. ③ What you want to say must be written in a letter in advance and rehearsed, and you must practice using non-defensive responses. ④You must change your mindset and stop taking responsibility for the painful experiences you encountered as a child.
●Confrontation can be conducted face-to-face or through letters. It is not recommended to make a phone call because it is too easy for parents to hang up during the confrontation.
●The confrontation starts with "I want to say something to you that I have never said before" and should cover the following 4 key points: ①Things your parents have done to you. ②How you felt at the time. ③How do those things affect your current life? ④What are your current requirements for your parents?
●The interview location should be at home or in an absolutely private space.
● Tension when confronting is unavoidable, so we can write a letter to our parents in advance and read it to them during the confrontation.
● You can set such a rule at the beginning of the confrontation: What I want to say to you is something I have never said before, and I hope you will agree to listen to me. This is very important to me, please do not contradict me or interrupt me. After I finish, you will have plenty of time to express your thoughts. Are you willing to accept it?
●During a confrontation, we must insist on finishing the drill content despite interruptions and interruptions.
●We must prepare for the worst for confrontation.
●The reaction of parents during confrontation is not important, our response is the most important. In the face of parents' anger, threats, condemnation and sophistry, you can experience the glory of decisive victory by sticking to your position.
●Faced with attacks from parents, we can answer with the following sentences: *I know what you think. *Swearing and crying will not solve the problem. *I am unwilling to accept the label you impose on me. *This just shows that our meeting this time is very necessary. *You shouldn't talk to me like this. *You promised to hear me out. *When you calm down, we can talk at another time.
●When parents make the following reactions, we can say this: ① Denial (“It didn’t happen at all.”) → “Just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”
② Shirking responsibility (“It’s all you "It's your fault.") → "You can blame it on me, but I won't take responsibility for what you did to me when I was a kid.”
③ Acknowledge and apologize, but do not make any amends (“I have already apologized, what else do you want?”) → “Thank you for your apology, but this is just the beginning. If you really feel guilty, you should When I need you, reach out and work with me to solve problems and re-establish a better parent-child relationship. ”
④Speak out your own difficulties (“We have tried our best”) → “I know your life is also difficult, and I believe you don’t mean to hurt me, but I want you to understand that the way you deal with your problems is really 's hurt me. "
⑤Speak out your own efforts ("Think of everything we have paid for you.") → "I am grateful for everything you have done for me, but this is not enough to compensate for those beatings (scolding, violence, insults, alcoholism, etc.) ) the harm caused. ”
⑥ Pretending to be the victim (“How could you do this to me?”) → “I’m sorry to make you feel upset or hurt, but I’ve been sad myself for so long and I’m not going to give up on this issue. ”
● If we have to break off a confrontation because of a parent’s behavior, that is the parent’s failure, not ours.
● Some toxic parents are trapped in their inner demons, hopelessly locked into their toxic behavior In this mode, there is no escape. In this situation, we must give up hope that cannot be realized and no longer expect parents to change.
● If parents show anger after confrontation, we must insist on using non-defensive responses: *I do. Talk about your anger, but I will not allow you to yell at me or impose insults. *I will come back to this topic when you calm down. *When you stop punishing me with silence, I will. I am very willing to talk to you. *I have taken the risk to tell you my true thoughts, why are you unwilling to share your thoughts?
● Confrontation will affect everyone around us who has an emotional connection with us. , this may be a price we have to pay for our mental health
● If a sibling is negative about our confrontation, we can say to them: ＊I would like to talk to you about this, but I won't allow it. You insulted me. ＊I know you want to protect them, but I'm telling the truth ＊I don't want to make anyone sad, but I have to do it for my own sake ＊My relationship with you is very important to me. Important, but I can't sacrifice my own needs to maintain the relationship *Just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen to me
● We can when non-family members interfere in our confrontation. Say this: *Thank you very much for your concern, but this is a matter between my parents and I. *I fully understand your desire to help, but I am not going to discuss this matter with you. *You do not fully understand this. Please don't jump to conclusions about this matter. Maybe I will talk to you when the matter calms down.
● After the confrontation, because of the anger of our parents, we may be tempted to give up the power we just gained. This is a common phenomenon. The support of friends, therapists, and spouses can be important at this time.
● Facing the consequences of our new behavior patterns is the bravest and most beneficial thing we can ask of ourselves. 1.
● There may be three situations after the confrontation: ① The parents show a certain degree of understanding for your pain and admit that they are even partially responsible for the conflict between you. ② Neither parent. Show a change and go back to the old way. What we should do at this time is keep in touch with them, but don't expect too much from them. ③ For the sake of your emotional health, choose to give up the relationship with your parents. It is the only way to maintain mental health. It is recommended to seek help from a psychologist to overcome this difficulty.
● We can temporarily interrupt contact with parents through experimental separation and use the energy to deal with conflicts with parents. Run your own life.
●Although breaking up with a parent can be very painful, it can give us new inner strength, enhance our sense of self-worth, and improve our quality of life.
● To discuss knowledge with sick or elderly parents, we can choose to write a confrontation letter but not send it. We can also read the content of the letter to the parents’ photos, or interact with the counselor through role-playing. Parents confront each other.
● Telling the truth always brings more peace than running away from a problem.
● You can confront your deceased parent by writing a confrontation letter and reading it aloud at the parent's grave. You can also read the letter to a photo of the parent, an empty chair, or someone in your support system who is willing to step in as your parent.
●No matter what happens during or after the confrontation, as long as we have the courage to take action, we will be the winners.
●When we confess the truth about our lives to ourselves and our parents, we will no longer be trapped in the fear of being unable to escape from the old roles in our relationship with our parents.
青心情心 2022.6.28
