The causes of social phobia
Why do people suffer from social phobia? Different disciplines and theories will draw different conclusions. Therefore, there is still no single definite "truth" on the causes of social phobia. Various theories only interpret the causes of social phobia from their specific perspectives.
Let’s just talk about the causes of social phobia based on the theoretical framework of this book:
Family factors
Parents’ personality and education methods have the most important impact on a person’s personality formation. If a person lacks love, warmth, affirmation and respect in childhood, or is too doting or indulgent, then he will not be able to see himself correctly. He will either be pretentious or belittle himself. In short, he will not be able to handle the relationship with himself. The relationship with others is actually a projection of the relationship with himself, so he also cannot handle the relationship with others well. Although various theoretical schools have different discussions on the causes of social fear, there is a high degree of consensus on the impact of family relationships on a person.
"My father has been very harsh since I was a child. When I was a child, I didn't dare to speak out as long as he was around, because he was always fierce and always said that we were worthless. He would scold us for the smallest things, such as saying something was dirty. He was very meddlesome, very fierce, and would beat my brother and me, maybe because he always scolded me and was not very good. If he praises me, I think that as long as I do well, he will not scold me, but I can never do what he thinks is good, so I have low self-esteem, and I also have a tendency of perfectionism. I hope that everything about me is perfect - I can be calm, elegant, and beautiful, but I hope everyone likes me. Then, I became sensitive. I saw those classmates who were very popular and felt envious, but I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes I deliberately try to please my classmates, but sometimes I don't want to pay attention to them. I want to be able to socialize as freely as others. I want to be more accepting of myself, more confident, less fearful, less anxious. "Most of the patients with
have a harsh father or mother. When he makes a mistake, he will be scolded or beaten severely. He is not treated gently by his parents, nor does he get the respect and recognition he deserves, so deep down in his heart he never believes that he is okay and that he is good enough." He may even feel that he is too weak to survive in this terrifying world, so he learns to be well-behaved, learn to disguise, and forces himself to be excellent in order to meet the expectations of his parents.
Just imagine, a child is not treated attentively by his parents and is constantly hurt. How can he build trust and security in the people and the world around him?
There is a saying in psychotherapy: "The child's problems are the parents' problems." Although this sentence is a bit extreme, it is not unreasonable. During treatment, I often find that the problems of the patient's parents are even more serious. He just transfers his problems to his children, leaving the children unable to bear them. In the end, he is afraid of reality and cannot face himself.
Outlook on life and values
Although sick parents hurt us, we will inherit their outlook on life and values invisibly. If they are cynical, we will also have a negative view of the world; if they are cruel and harsh, then we will be so harsh on ourselves; if they are vain, we will also use "achievement" to measure a person's value...
A patient wrote:
Trying hard to be recognized by my parents is to gain a sense of acceptance and belonging that is rarely felt. However, such efforts still cannot get me direct or indirect recognition and acceptance. Therefore, since I was very young, I often felt that maybe I was not good enough or outstanding enough, so my parents did not recognize and accept me.
Because my mother was strict and my father was indifferent, I could not get recognition for a long time. What I got most was negation and criticism (direct negation, indirect negation, or negation based on my observation and scrutiny), which made me as a young person even more eager to be recognized by my family, even far beyond the needs of ordinary children.On the other hand, it also made me at a young age often doubt my own worth and whether I was really worthless. Furthermore, as time went by, I developed the habit of self-observation and introspection.
is looking more and more at himself and doing more introspection. Because in life, no matter what I do, I cannot get the true recognition and acceptance of my family, so I have higher and higher standards and requirements for myself, and become more and more demanding, to a level that is difficult for an ordinary person to achieve. And these inner journeys are completely invisible to the outside, and this kind of self-hatred is brewing.
Gradually, my requirements for myself have become very high. In this way, I often started to hate myself, doubt myself, and deny myself on a large scale because I thought I was not good. Just continue to push yourself to excel and be better.
Because I was taught by my mother since I was a child, "If you want to do big things, you have to work harder, be better, and be more perfect." So in order to gain recognition and appreciation from my mother, I learned and successfully learned , read stories about great people, and used their thoughts, behaviors and habits to challenge myself.
himself is like a meaningless beggar, begging for recognition from the outside world. This has only brought me years of confusion, and I have put on more and more masks in order to better please the outside world.
It's not that he is bad, but that he has higher requirements for himself than anyone else. Of course, he just inherited his mother's values - you want to do great things, so you have to work harder, be better, and be more perfect. Although such values make him work harder and even be better than those around him, it has also become a condition for self-acceptance and a shackles for him. When he cannot achieve what he expects and requires no matter how hard he tries, he will look down on himself more and more. Although his original intention was to try to transcend himself, he ended up being increasingly unable to accept himself.
Fantasy and Reality
If he cannot meet his parents' requirements and expectations of himself, then he will hide in beautiful fantasies - "I hope everything about me is perfect, I can be calm, temperamental, and beautiful. I hope everyone likes me." Perfect fantasies are always better than cruel reality. Fantasy gives him hope, gives him strength, and gives him a new self.
Although he lives like most people, his inner world has already fallen into the kingdom of fantasy. He is no longer a down-to-earth person, he seems to be floating in mid-air. How deep the scars in his heart are, how great he imagines himself to be. Greatness does not come from his actual ability, but from his taking it for granted that he should be extraordinary.
But all this is just his imagination. He only demands himself according to the abilities he does not have, demands others according to the rights he does not have, and judges the world according to the status he does not have. Therefore, his heart is full of conflicts - the conflict between fantasy and reality.
When he is already living in the fantasy of an idealized self, he does not demand himself and plan his life according to his actual self. Therefore, he will only greedily demand himself, such as, I should be perfect, I should have a good relationship with everyone, I should be better than others, and others should respect me... He will not find the pathology of all this, he will only blindly satisfy these shoulds
, and his pathological personality will be formed as a result. The so-called pathological personality refers to a person's consistent set of irrational pursuits, behaviors and values. The most prominent manifestation of a pathological personality is persistence. He is obsessed with reputation, power, status, being loved, respected, anything that can highlight his value. Deep down in his heart, he thinks that he can do everything well, control everything, and make everything he wishes come true. He is a superman.
Inner Conflict
The ultimate perfection and success are unattainable in reality, so he had a serious psychological conflict between "this should be the case" and "this is the reality". This is where the symptoms and pain come from - he hates himself in reality because he cannot be the person in his fantasy, and he is angry because everything in reality is not what he wants. The subtext in his heart is: I shouldn't be like this, and life shouldn't be what it is now.
Therefore, his heart is full of conflict, or a war is going on: a war between his idealized self and his true self. He always fantasizes about eliminating symptoms and transforming himself in reality to become a better person. Although he couldn't do it no matter how hard he tried, he just didn't want to give up. Even if he came for treatment, he still wanted the therapist to help him achieve his wish.
The key to stopping inner conflict is not to hold on, but to know how to let go. In this process, he needs to bravely face the life and self he is escaping from, and he also needs to see clearly his inner conflicts through symptoms, and wake up to the fact that he has been living in a dream and has lost his true self. Only when he can give up his "self" can he find his "self".
Let’s start the journey of finding yourself from the shallower to the deeper!
