She is a child who was adopted since she was a child, and she is also the mother of a child.
When she was 5 years old, she learned about her life experience. In order to find a reason to live, she set a goal for herself - to live for her parents. Because of this goal, she was admitted to college and graduate school, got married, started a family, and gave birth to children. However, the lingering sense of worthlessness in her heart caused depression to press the pause button on her life.
During the few years that she stopped, she continued to explore the corners of her heart, reflect and explore, summarize and try, and finally came out. In the process, she turned into a person that she had never imagined before, with a strong heart and a peaceful attitude.
Depression gave her a valuable attempt to explore life and herself. In the process, she also summarized 7 methods, which she hopes will be helpful to you.
Recently, with the changes in the social environment, I have found that more and more people are like me before, immersed in the problems of their own lives and unable to extricate themselves. In the end, they seem to be dragged down by the devil, always sinking and sinking, and finally fall into depression and cannot extricate themselves.
Today, I want to share with you some of my experiences over the years, hoping to help you.
If your situation is different from mine, then please take your time. Life is very interesting, and exploring one thing is also very interesting. In the process of slowly exploring, you will find that you have become a person you never thought of before. Only then will you understand why so many people are willing to live in this world. That feeling is so wonderful, it surpasses all pleasures in human reality.
What this process requires is just enough patience.
I was adopted as a child, and the feeling of worthlessness made me fall into depression
I am an adopted child. When I was about 5 years old, I knew that I was adopted. From then on, I had a knot in my heart.
Because our family members are not good at communicating, and our parents are very playful and have no time to pay attention to their children's mental state. Therefore, I often feel that my life is worthless, and my family does not know it yet.
Later, in order to find a reason to live, I set a goal for myself - to live for my parents. Because of this goal, I was admitted to college and graduate school. It seemed that the journey was going smoothly, but the feeling of worthlessness in my heart could not go away.
My low self-esteem made my love life difficult. After I got married, my husband and I didn’t get along well. More importantly, the fact that I lived for my parents often became the source of conflicts between us in our marriage. But at that time, I still felt that I was very noble and a filial child, while my husband was very selfish and intolerant.
That’s it, I’m depressed.
With the birth of my child, I didn’t know how to love myself, but I had to work hard to love my child, and my depression became even more severe.
A depressed state not only affects oneself, but also deeply affects children. I remember that for a long time I couldn't put a smile on my face. I often yelled at my children. Every time I shouted at my children, I felt ashamed, but I still couldn't control myself next time.
Finally, I knew that something was wrong with me. I found a parenting website that recommended many psychology books that parents should read, and I bought them all. They also recommended a cyberpsychology training course, which I signed up for.
Since then, I have started the experience of crawling out of the mud pit. This is definitely a long process. Psychological repair is the same as treating physical diseases. The disease is gone like a thread, which is true at all.
At that time, I didn’t have the courage to go to a psychiatrist. I felt that my illness was not that serious. Now that I think about it, it’s quite ridiculous. We don’t have to wait until it’s very serious before we go to a psychiatrist. As long as we are unhappy, we can go to a psychiatrist.
Just like this, I kept reflecting and exploring, constantly summarizing and trying, and gradually came out. It took several years.
During this process, I often felt extremely impatient and painful, but when I looked back, I found it very interesting. No one can give me such a sense of accomplishment as . The important thing is that I feel like a different person. I am much stronger inside, much calmer in life, and less entangled in everything.
Below, I will share with you the 7 methods I have summarized to help you recover. I hope it will inspire you.
The first method: use dialectical thinking to look at the problem
Depression seems to come from the environment not being good enough, oneself not being good enough, not being able to see hope and the future, etc. It seems reasonable, but in fact, it is a wrong way of looking at the world. Why does
say that?
Didn’t we all learn the story of a blessing in disguise when we were young? In fact, many things in life are neither good nor bad. Is it good to have money and status? The troubles that rich and powerful people encounter in their lives are no less than ordinary people, or even more troublesome.
When faced with problems in their own lives, many people feel that they have encountered too many difficulties, too much pain, too much failure, too despair, etc. They are stuck in the emotions derived from their self-righteous ideas and cannot extricate themselves. It is like if a blessing is lost or a son falls off the horse, and they feel that the sky has fallen, then no good things will happen later.
From a dialectical point of view, a thing, as long as it has its advantages, it will also have its disadvantages.
If you don’t believe it, you might as well tell your bad luck, and I’ll look for the good side.
Next time, when you think that you are so unhappy, so unlucky, so failed, so troubled, take out something that makes you painful and analyze it carefully. What is the good side of it?
The second method: Stop blaming yourself |
Depression is mostly caused by self-blame.
Take myself for example, I have been a person who has liked to blame myself since I was a child, because whenever I did something wrong, my parents would always look at me with a very stern look. As a result, when I grew up, I would habitually blame myself whenever I did something wrong.
In order to avoid being blamed by myself, I usually never make mistakes on my own initiative. I am an extremely well-behaved child. Although I am good at reading, I don’t dare to try many things easily because I am too afraid of making mistakes, and my sense of morality is stronger than that of ordinary people. I can’t stand a little bit of “badness” in myself.
My parents don't know how to communicate. They think it's redundant to praise others. Therefore, since I was a child, I have hardly tasted the feeling of being praised. Probably because I wanted my parents to think I was good enough, I pushed myself to be perfect. I have never been lazy in farm work since I was a child. I have always been good at studies. I got a job after graduating from college and often supported my parents.
So, when I saw my younger brother being lazy, not studying hard, and doing nothing, I couldn't understand why others could do things that seemed bad with peace of mind. Why don't they think this is bad?
It seems like I should get more attention, but in fact, I don't feel like I get the attention I deserve. My parents are playful. They have no pastime in the countryside and often play cards. My brother and I didn't get enough attention.
Perhaps this kind of life gave me a sense of despair that no matter how hard I tried, I could not get the recognition I deserved, which also planted the seeds of depression for me.
In order to treat depression, I ask myself not to blame myself for doing something wrong. Whenever the thought of blaming myself comes into my mind, I will stop immediately and tell myself that making mistakes is the most important thing in a person's life, because only by making mistakes can a person grow.. If a person never made mistakes, he would not have to live in this world.
Celebrities and rich people will also make mistakes. Even when a person is 80 years old, he is still making mistakes. A person's life is constantly progressing through mistakes. The same is true in human history. Human beings rarely get good results without paying a price. The peace of recent years is also the short-lived peace that so many people sacrificed their lives for during the Second World War.
So, making mistakes is the norm, not making mistakes is the abnormality, why should we use the abnormality to blame the normality? Making mistakes in is not a big deal at all. As long as there are no major problems, it is normal to make some mistakes.
Just like that, slowly, I corrected my self-blame.
The third method: deal with perfectionism
If you are like me and have a tendency towards perfectionism, then it is very likely that this is also one of the important reasons for depression.
Before, I always pursued perfection without realizing it. When I realized it, I discovered that the perfectionism of had made my life, which was not bad at all, a complete mess in my mind!
This perfectionism makes me not only unable to tolerate myself making mistakes, but also unable to tolerate imperfections in my life. I thought that I have been living for my parents, and they should understand me in everything, but they don't; I thought that since I married a husband who likes me, he should understand me in everything, but he doesn't; later on, I thought that I am very good to my children, and he should understand me too, but of course he doesn't. My perfectionism fell into my life and I hit a wall at every turn, which gave me a huge sense of loss.
Slowly, I felt that my belief in living was gone, and my belief in living for my parents could no longer sustain me.
I started a difficult transformation.
How difficult is it for a person to love life if he has never lived for himself?
There were many days and nights when I felt that living was a kind of torture. Because the fame and fortune around me are not important to me at all, and I haven’t gotten anything that is important to me.
The life I wanted most since I was a child was to wander. I didn’t want to get married, but I got married for my parents. I didn’t want children, but for the sake of my family, I had children. I have to do a lot of things that I don’t like every day. How can I not be depressed? For a long time, I felt that I had never lived for myself, which was also the reason why I suffered from depression.
I start by doing something I like to satisfy my needs. For example, read more books, go to the gym, take more leisure time, and if you have a vacation, be sure to travel, etc., to satisfy some of the things you want to do.
I began to slowly accept my imperfect side. I began to realize that everyone is imperfect, and people's personalities have always been two-sided. Kindness means being easily hurt, being smart means becoming fast, being bold means not caring about small details, and being cheerful means being heartless. At that time, I finally realized that everything in this world appears in pairs, and is never good or bad alone!
So, there is nothing perfect in this world!
And human beings, from the perspective of Darwin evolution theory , evolved from animals. Everything they do is from chaos and accumulation of experience step by step. Even now, they are still in a relatively chaotic management period. Therefore, there is no such thing as perfection. If the world was perfect, why didn’t our parents give us the kind of perfect love we wanted when we were young? Why do we grow up in a world that is anything but perfect?
Imperfection is the norm in the world of life. Perfection is an imagination, and if you imagine it like this since you were a child, one day you will fall into its terrible trap.
However, rational perfectionism is another matter.They are a group of people who know that the world is not perfect, but hope that the work they do can be as perfect as possible. This kind of perfectionism will not hurt people. What can hurt people is irrational perfectionism, that is, forcing everything to be perfect. If it is not perfect, they will be very hurt, angry, and painful. This is a disease.
The fourth method: Live for yourself |
In life, if you don't live for yourself, a person will never be happy and to the fullest. Then everything around you will soon become the source of pain, because we can never control the external world.
When I was a child, I thought that as long as I was good enough, my parents would love me; as long as I was good enough, my teachers would love me; as long as I was good enough, my future leaders would like me; as long as I was good enough, my future spouse would like me.
Actually, this is not true. The truth is, there is no need to be perfect or to please the other person in true love.
If you need to please others, or need to be perfect to get love, then the other person must not really love you or not know how to really love you, whether he is a parent or a spouse. This fact of
may be difficult to accept, but this is the fact and no one can change it.
I remember that when I tried my best and kept getting better, but still couldn't satisfy my parents, I realized that they might not love me that much. Since there is no guarantee of old-age care in rural areas, they hope that I will stay with them and not go far away. However, there is no way I can listen to them. My biggest wish has always been to see more of the world. I don’t like to stay in one place. If I have the financial resources, I also want to wander. That is my favorite life.
But my parents didn’t understand. They felt that I should stay with them like other rural girls.
I am very unhappy and very hurt inside. However, I really couldn’t wrong myself anymore. I saw that they blamed me for their fears and failures in life, and wanted to get what they wanted by controlling my behavior. I began to rebel against my parents. I left the countryside and went to the city, wanting to start a life of my own.
However, this rebellion makes me deeply guilty. Although I knew that what I did was correct, there was always a voice in my heart saying: I am not filial enough, I am selfish, and I do not consider my parents' feelings.
It was in such a divisive mood, amidst the demands and pressure placed on me by my parents, that I found myself unable to face my work and life well. I often couldn't settle down to do one thing well, and was constantly anxious.
The more anxious you are, the less you can focus on what you are doing, thus forming a vicious cycle. I seem to be an ant on a hot pot. I don't know where I should stay for a while. This kind of life is simply terrible, because my sense of worth is getting lower and lower because of the lack of accomplishment.
In order to heal myself, I began to reflect carefully.
Why do I still regard my parents’ words as golden rules when I grow up? Why do I need my parents’ approval so much? Why am I afraid to say no to the wrong requests?
This is psychology. I have not been separated from my parents. We have always been symbiotic.
Later, it took several years for me to slowly separate from my parents. I slowly let them stop controlling my life, slowly learned not to take their words seriously, and slowly learned not to care too much about their opinions. This process was difficult, because I have always lived for my parents, and they seemed to be my children. I did everything for them, and I had no self at all.
How difficult it is for a person with such no self to gain a complete self.
However, accumulated efforts over time always bear fruit, and I slowly withdrew from my parents’ lives. In the past, when they made wrong decisions, I was always anxious for them, anxious to convince them, and afraid that they would suffer. Now, I will tell them the possible consequences and let them bear the consequences of their actions.On the contrary, my relationship has become much better and our communication has become much smoother.
I finally understood that I bear too much responsibility for their lives. Everyone has their own way of living and the consequences they are willing to bear for this way of living. I understand and accept it. Although I will not choose that, I accept their choice and let them bear the consequences.
Gradually, I retreated to my daughter's position and left their parents' position. My anxiety disappeared and I relaxed.
From that time, I understood that in this life, no matter how noble you are, you cannot solve other people's problems. Other people's problems will always be other people's problems and only they can solve them.
The fifth method: exercise
Exercising the body is something that people must do throughout their lives. Exercise not only helps people maintain a healthy body, but also develops a willpower to not give up.
And when we exercise and sweat, it can stimulate the production of a variety of brain chemicals. These chemicals will make you feel much happier and more relaxed than before you exercise.
If you exercise regularly, you will look good and feel comfortable. Regular exercise can also enhance your self-confidence and self-esteem. Exercise will reduce feelings of stress and anxiety in you.
Therefore, you should choose a sport you like and stick to it. You can change the amount of exercise, but you can't give up, and you can't fish for three days and do it for two days. Otherwise, your self-confidence and self-esteem will become worse.
The sixth method: Write a success diary every day |
Every night, plan what you will do tomorrow and write it down one by one.
The next day, according to the plan, complete the tasks one by one and give yourself rewards. Give yourself whatever you like. If you haven't completed it, write down the reasons and remind you to pay attention next time.
If you persist in this way, you will form a very good habit of cherishing time, exercising diligently, having a greater sense of accomplishment, and gradually growing self-confidence.
If you want to cure depression , action is good medicine and thought is poison.
The seventh method: manage your head
Don’t let your mind wander, manage your head like other things.
You cannot let the ideas in your mind run automatically. You must think of some that have practical uses, such as planning something or thinking about a specific problem.
When you notice that your brain is starting to think about how miserable I am, how unlucky I am, how annoying that person is, how good others are, etc., please stop it in time.
I think that the greatest achievement in this life comes from being able to control one's own brain. Everyone can make the brain run automatically, but not everyone can make the brain run according to my needs. There is actually a lot of garbage in our brains. We need to clean it up in time and put the garbage aside. Gradually you will discard it.
Let your brain think about good things and beautiful things, whether they are fantasy or not. This is equivalent to giving nutrition to your brain. If you think about bad things all day long, you are damaging your brain.
There are no limits in life. What is in your mind will ultimately be what your reality becomes.
The eighth method: vent your emotions in time
When you are wronged, sad, or painful, please vent it out in time. If you suppress or even hide it for a long time, the problem will become more and more serious!
You can talk to friends in real life or online. You can also cry, shout, hit, scold... In short, as long as this method can vent the suppressed emotions in your heart without hurting others, there will be no problem.
I have finished sharing my experience. I hope it is useful to everyone and I hope it can help everyone.
I hope you can, like me, rely on your own efforts to come out and live a good life.
