Live Yourself
The fear deep in the soul makes the patient extremely insecure. Although he knows that facing the fear is the right choice, the fear is so powerful that he cannot look directly. After all, all this is not controllable by reason. It comes from past experiences and has become a subconscious mind. Therefore, only by relying on new experiences and understandings can he realize that he is just trapped by past experiences, and that his true self is not unworthy of love. But this requires great courage, and this constructive power comes from a deep understanding of oneself and the situation and a responsible attitude towards one's own life. Only in this way can we see a new world and a new self.
In the last scene of "The Truman Show", Truman touched the high wall at the edge of the man-made sea. This was the limit of his cognition. When Truman found the exit of the closed world, he stood at the crossroads of choice. To the left was a life without freedom but seemingly comfortable and safe. To continue to play Truman, to the right was the unknown, dark, but desirable freedom and reality. What Truman hates is this kind of life where his life is controlled according to the director's will. In the end, he walks towards the door to freedom.
Neurotic patients also live in a utopia like Truman, but not everyone has the courage to go out like Truman. After all, when you go out, the outside world is unknowable, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. No one can guarantee that there will be no sadness in the outside world. In fact, the patient is more difficult than Truman. He is not only afraid of the outside world, he is even more afraid of the real himself, because he has already demonized himself, thinking that he is evil, lazy, useless, unloved, and easily abandoned.
A patient wrote: If I live my life as I am, will I still be accepted by society? What will the people around you think? I want to express myself but I am too afraid. I was very helpless when I was a child. I could only think of myself as important and survive by pretending to be strong. Now if you ask me to live my true self, I will be at a loss. I will feel like I am being swallowed by the people around me. I will feel looked down upon and unimportant. In the past, you had to have an outstanding career and achievements before you dare to face everyone. If you have no achievements, others will ignore you. If you are worthless, others will not look at you. Good people are useless. In this world, value determines how others treat you. I have nothing now. It’s too difficult to start over. I’m too far behind others. I don’t know what to do. Even if I do it, I can’t catch up with others. Teacher Wang, you also said during the treatment that I will be useless if I continue like this. I sometimes think of this sentence, but I still dare not face it. I don’t know if it is fear or anxiety. I don’t feel the fear you often talk about, I only feel it when the symptoms come.
The patient has a terrifying picture in his heart - his true self cannot be seen by others, his face is hateful, his inner self is too weak, and he cannot trust and live on his own. He was like a man drowning, trying to hold on to anything he could to survive, even though he knew it was poison and not an antidote.
It’s not that he wants to be hypocritical, but that he doesn’t dare to be true. The lack of security and love is the basis of neurosis. Everything he does no longer comes from his true inner emotions and needs, but how to survive in a seemingly cruel world.
In fact, the world is big enough to accommodate everyone, but a person’s heart is too small, too small to even accommodate himself. In fact, it is not the world or others that eats him alive, but his parents and the values that he has internalized - he cannot live without excellence, he cannot live without perfection, he cannot live without success, he cannot live without purity, he cannot live without being strong...
A female patient's father is cold and vain, so she always wants to perform well, be recognized by him, be seen, and become his pride. So in life, she always works hard and wants to do everything well - in interpersonal relationships, she wants to be recognized by everyone; in work, she wants to do everything well, and in life, she wants everything to be perfect.In the end, she was overwhelmed and became ill. After she became ill, her father was afraid that others would find out, so he would not let her talk to her husband when they got married, thinking that her husband could not accept it. But in fact it is not that the world does not accept her, but the external projection of her father's anxiety and insecurity. After all, when she told her husband the true situation when she was in extreme pain, he didn't take it seriously and still accepted her. After that, her father was very grateful to her, as if she was a disabled person and her husband accepted her and thought he was great.
And her father did not dare to let her talk to her colleagues. On the one hand, he was worried about the impact on her future, and on the other hand, he thought that others could not help. But in the end, she told her colleagues about her illness, and they didn't take her seriously. They still called her when they invited her to dinner. Therefore, the fear in her heart was just influenced and brainwashed by her father. It was as if her father had drawn a circle for her, telling her that she could only stay inside and not go out. It was very dangerous outside. Once her weaknesses were exposed, she would be eaten alive. Others would hurt her and stay away from you. A person with shortcomings, a person who is not excellent or perfect cannot be recognized and accepted.
When she left her original family, she realized in real life that in fact, a person does not have to worry about those details, and does not have to force herself. After all, the people around her do not follow the perfect requirements of her. Even if she makes mistakes, even if there are problems, others can still accept her. She discovered a world that she had not seen before, and realized that a person could live a true and simple life without forcing himself to live so hypocritically.
Only by going out and getting along with others and the world with your true self can you discover the original appearance of the world.
Because I see it, I believe it.
A patient said that when others gave him nicknames, he always felt that others were bullying him and looking down on him. However, when he joined a large group at work, he discovered that his colleagues were actually more exaggerated in joking with him than they were with him. Then he realized that maybe it was not others who were targeting him, but that he was too sensitive and lived in one person's world, but did not know what the real world was like. The more he disconnects from life and lives in isolation, the more he becomes like a director, writing and directing various plots, and can even interpret other people's expressions into various negative meanings. He finally realized that even if he died, he would have to take the initiative to contact others, otherwise he would never be able to see the truth clearly and remain floating in the air.
Another patient had a dream. He dreamed that he was lying naked on the street, but others did not pay much attention. When his mother found out, she continued to accuse and criticize him. After he woke up, he realized that in fact, many shortcomings and mistakes were not taken seriously by others, except his mother. After that, he mustered up the courage to break up and told his girlfriend the fact that he had a mental illness. As a result, not only did his girlfriend not leave him, but she even felt more sorry for and understood him. And when he cooked the rice, he thought his girlfriend would blame him, but his girlfriend said that only you have such high demands on yourself. At this time, his vision has been expanded by courage, and the limits of his life are much larger than before. A virtuous circle slowly appears - the more he takes off his disguise, the more truth he will see, and the original values begin to loosen, and his degree of freedom is higher than before.
Treatment is like peeling off an onion, layer by layer. We can't expect to peel it off all at once, but we can make progress a little bit after peeling off each layer until the final battle. Of course, this thick shell is the self-protection established previously to cover up the scars and helplessness. Although these have accompanied the patient through the darkest moments of life, continuing to retain these will only hinder the growth of the soul and prevent him from realizing that he can actually rely on his true self to live.
Facing life with your true self, without any support or mask, is a key step to living yourself.
However, this link is extremely dangerous for the patient. After all, it is an unknown territory, so the patient will instinctively resist, and he does not dare to face nakedly everything he fears. One patient also had such a dream: He was in the classroom, but he was walking around naked among his classmates.Another time he woke up from a nap and began to feel particularly relaxed, but within a few seconds, he suddenly became frightened. After all, he was not wearing any disguise, as if he was running naked in the crowd. He immediately started various "anti-virus" protection software like turning on a computer, and then slowly calmed down. Therefore, the patient prefers to analyze rather than act. He often thinks that "knowing" is good, but the fact is that knowing is only the first step. If he cannot practice and understand in life, then this "knowing" will not be integrated into his heart and cannot become a driving force for transformation.
Therefore, pain must be experienced. This is like a war for freedom. It is unrealistic to imagine shortcuts and effortlessness.
At this time, the patient needs an "intermediate link" very much. After all, facing reality and living out his own difficulty is like forcing him to jump over a cliff 5 meters apart. He believes that this is certain death. A female patient asked: I try not to please, not to pretend, but to be true to myself, but what awaits me is suffering, anxiety, and fear. Or if you do something to yourself once and others really don’t like you, that is even more worthless negation to me. This is my experience and result of trying to be myself again and again. I am really curious. After experiencing anxiety and extreme self-denial, so that I can accept myself and regain a sense of security? This is the dilemma I am facing now, and it is also my doubt that I have always wanted to discuss with you. Really, is there a middle link missing, I wonder if you understand? In other words, you can’t really feel safe if you live in fantasy, but can you feel safe if you live in reality?
The "middle link" that the patient is looking forward to is actually a dangerous existence. For him, it is about how to make it less painful and how to gain a sense of security. But this can easily go astray, and he will reach some kind of morbid balance with his inner demons, where you satisfy it and it protects you. If this is the case it can make it difficult to move forward with treatment. Therefore, there is no such intermediate link. There is no other way but to face reality, the truth, and himself.
Although the "middle link" that patients expect does not exist, there is indeed an in-between link in treatment. In fact, the entire treatment is doing just that. This includes not only the acceptance, encouragement and support from the counselor, but also the most important psychological analysis. In this process, you need to constantly see through your lies, see your truth, start to examine your values and life direction, have a deeper understanding and understanding of personality distortions, and finally have an epiphany - he Knowing why he became what he is now, he understood why he was always in trouble with himself. He understood that forcing problems could not solve the problem but only created problems. He understood that only by letting go and accepting could he reconcile with himself. The ultimate goal of treatment was not to become a better self, but to become himself. At this time, he will find that in fact this cliff does not exist at all, and he is not hateful. All this is just a psychological illusion.
The process of treatment and analysis is also a process of spiritual growth. Although this book has done a lot of analysis work, the patient will also find it reasonable, but the consciousness and subconsciousness are not synchronized. On the intellectual level, although he knows that he should live in reality, he should give up all kinds of pathological pursuits and admit that he is just an ordinary person and cannot maintain perfection in all aspects and be superior to others. But in reality, he still dared not live out his true self - should he escape or escape, should he maintain or should he maintain, should he fantasize or fantasize. The truth and his subconscious are like intersections that never intersect, and reason still cannot prevail.
It is not easy to change a person's values, his understanding of himself, life and the world that have been formed over decades. After all, the formation of all this is the influence of his long life experience and the influence of his eyes and ears, and it has become his "life creed". And once this kind of personality and behavioral tendency is formed, even if it is pathological, he himself will not be aware of it, and he will even take it for granted. So changing all this will definitely require long-term and unremitting efforts.This is not just a sentence, a treatment or a book can wake up the dreamer. This must go through a long period of life experience and practice to produce results from quantitative changes to qualitative changes.
Some patients think that they are smart, have strong understanding, and have read a lot of books, so they can come out better and faster and get it all done. In fact, people's growth has its own rules and cannot be forced to encourage growth. It is not enough to see all this with the eyes, he needs to feel it with his heart.
When starting treatment, some patients often think that analysis is meaningless, but in the end they can understand that behind this seemingly useless, it is actually the key to awakening. After all, the detailed analysis of each psychological conflict, confusion, and pain is like pearls one by one. Only when the last pearl is worn can the whole picture be seen clearly. Therefore, the final therapeutic results actually come from the seemingly boring and unremitting efforts. Every step of
treatment is organically intertwined. It cannot be said which one comes first and which one lasts. In fact, they are all very important. After all, to let go of support, you need to have correct values and realize that all this is not your fault. Self-hatred actually comes from the lack of acceptance of the original family and the inheritance of pathological values, which leads to illusions and demandingness. Therefore, treatment is a link within a link. The loosening of any link will enhance the courage to live out oneself, but the confinement of any link will also cause withdrawal. So I often joke that this is actually a war that requires the coordination of sea, land and air, or like mixed martial arts , you can't only have boxing technology without ground entanglement technology, any funnel will let the inner demon defeat you.
often goes through multiple cycles in treatment. The patient begins treatment with the belief that it will be cured, and then becomes disillusioned with the treatment when he discovers that the cure is not what he thought it was. If he manages to maintain the fantasy and find support, he will fall out of therapy. And when he visited again, it was also because of his disillusionment. After many cycles, he realized that none of these methods were solutions. There was only one way, to face the true self. Only then could he hear it, understand what I had said to him before, and realize that he had just been escaping for so many years.
A patient wrote: I still continue to please my parents in small things to gain approval. Maybe they should learn to accept me. This is what parents need to do, because I am also an independent person. Perhaps from your perspective (although I still remain skeptical) there may not be any support, but only that one step. But it is this step that determines life and death. Understanding alone is really not enough, so what I want to ask is, how to mobilize this constructive force in this step?
I think this constructive force should be - the courage to live again .
Everything happens in relationship, and everything is healed in relationship. Just like what Yohji Yamamoto said: The thing "self" is invisible. Only when it hits something else and bounces back can you understand "self".
How should a child who is rejected help himself? The answer lies in: practice it with your heart, truly interact with people and the world, and truly see yourself.
In fact, a person's understanding of the world and himself is not static, and often changes with time and experience. What you don’t understand today may be understood tomorrow, and what you haven’t discovered today may be discovered tomorrow. Therefore, for some patients who are desperate, see no hope, and want to end their lives, I always advise them to persist. This is not only humanitarian care, but as long as they are alive, there is hope and they can discover the truth that they have not discovered. But this requires time and life experience, rather than simple preaching.
People’s growth is all forced. One patient compared it to a person whose bones have grown crooked. They must be broken and then straightened, so this process is very difficult. The process of growing up is also a process of breaking and rebuilding. What is broken is the illusion of self-esteem, and what is reconstructed is the true self.
Anxiety when facing reality is actually a complex combination of fear, pain, confusion, loneliness, and helplessness. Karen Horney said: They are like purgatory, we must go through it before we can get true salvation.
In my opinion, this is actually living towards death.
So, how do we live our true selves?
1. Oneself is the focus of life
Some people regard others as more important than themselves. In life, they always care about other people's feelings and thoughts, worry about other people's displeasure, and care about other people's evaluations, just like living like a little maid. He always compromises, he always suppresses his emotions and feelings, he always hides behind the mask of a good guy. In the end, he could no longer feel his own feelings. He was like a robot who could only live according to the "rules".
There is such a patient who suffers from respiratory phobia. He is afraid that the sound of his breathing will affect others. Clearly, breathing itself is not a disease, after all if it were, then all of humanity would be sick. The focus is on influencing others. Just imagine, a person regards others as so important and yet dares not to breathe. How sad is this kind of life. He talked about not only breathing, but also that he didn’t dare to make phone calls in the office for fear of disturbing others. Before, he was also afraid that his peripheral vision would affect others. In order to leave a good impression on others, he always tried to keep smiling and keep the corners of his mouth raised at 15 degrees, but this result made his expression stiff and embarrassing.
Although he lived to be a good person in the hearts of others, he became a bad person to himself. The starting point for a person without self is not based on his real needs, but on what should be done, rules, and correctness. He cannot do things casually and can only conform to the mainstream values of society. It seems that he is a "normal" person who cannot be more normal, but in fact he is like living on a splint. Others can jump up and down, but he can only keep a straight line and remain impartial.
He will think that everyone is like this and cannot completely let go of themselves and live according to their own ideas. But in fact, this is just a rationalization for not living out the self-created reasons. If we observe carefully, we will find that although others cannot fully live their lives, they can at least respect their own emotions and feelings, and can express their true thoughts at the right opportunity. Although they cannot escape the constraints of this society, their hearts are not bound, and they can still experience their true emotions.
Therefore, respecting your own feelings, expressing your true thoughts, and focusing on yourself instead of living for others is the first step to living your life.
2. The courage to be hated
Harmonious interpersonal relationships will give the patient a sense of acceptance and security, so he will try to suppress his emotions and would rather be wronged than have conflicts with others. When others treat him badly and bully him, he will not think that it is the others who are bad, but that it is himself who is bad. If he works harder, others will like him.
A female patient wrote: The whole reason is that you cannot conflict with others. Once a conflict occurs, there will be a risk of being abandoned, a risk of being beaten, a risk of being insulted, a risk of being disliked by others, and then life will be worse than death. This is the source of my fear. So I forced myself to please others and wronged myself in exchange for this pitiful sense of security. When you feel wronged, you will hate yourself for being so useless and dare not argue with others. I even wonder if I would have the so-called ultimate sense of security if I didn't feel aggrieved or angry when being bullied by others.
It is actually unrealistic to gain a sense of security by suppressing oneself and avoiding conflicts. On the one hand, conflict and being hurt are part of life and cannot be avoided. On the other hand, even if you sell your personality and soul in exchange for safety, not only will you not be respected, but you will be looked down upon. After all, no one will like a bad person without temperament and character, because he has no independent personality.
A truly reliable sense of security actually comes from self-love, not love from others; a person's value comes from self-acceptance, not recognition from others.However, the patient believes that he is valuable only when others say he is good. When others say he is not good, he feels worthless. He gives others the power of life and death, and turns himself into a good person.
Of course, I am not saying that a person will become a hedgehog and retaliate, and he will be healthy, but he must have the minimum courage to express himself, that is, the courage to dare to be hated.
3. Dare to expose your shortcomings
Everyone has shortcomings and problems. No one is perfect, but because of the existence of the idealized self, the patient cannot accept his imperfect self in reality, so he will hide his shortcomings and problems in life and wear a thick layer of armor. If you don't take off these armors, then this layer of armor will grow on the skin and even penetrate into the bones. In this way, you will never be able to break away from your dependence on the false self, and you will never know that you can still live relying on your true self.
Taking treatment as an example, many problems can be seen. For example, a girl feels that she has fat on her belly, so she always covers it with clothes; while others do not use their real names when they come for treatment. The reputation is that it is personal privacy, but in fact they are secretive when they come for treatment. So what will happen in life?
A patient said that in life, people who know his problem will not let others know who he is, and people who know who he is will not let others know he has a problem. So he always has to pretend to be perfect and is afraid that others will see through. Because of his avoidance in interpersonal relationships, he feels that the whole world has forgotten him
In fact, if he does not bravely expose his true self, then he will not be able to believe that his true self can actually be accepted.
4. Turn off "beauty"
Beauty is a technology in photography, but this technology has long been used by patients with enthusiasm. Whether in the real world or in the virtual world, he performs beautification all the time - he does not go out without makeup, and photos must be retouched. He will act like he has a good taste in life, he will behave with quality, and he will try to improve his appearance and interior. Although these things themselves are not wrong, the motivations for these behaviors are wrong. After all, only a person who dares not live out of himself will hide behind his beauty.
Although all this will make him look confident, it cannot make a person really like himself. He only likes the person he pretends to be, not the real person. When the beauty fails, when imperfections are exposed, then his whole person will become extremely panicked. He dare not see the "ugliness" under the beauty, although this is just human nature.
5. You can do it badly
There are good and bad, success and failure in life. In fact, these are not completely controllable by us, but patients require themselves to be extremely good and good in all aspects. Therefore, he is often very stressed in life and easily falls into a situation of collapse.
There is actually no standard for neurotic patients about what is good and what is acceptable. One patient said that when he first started working, he was in good condition because he did not put any pressure or demands on himself. But after working for a while, he began to put demands on himself, and his demands were endless. Just like a car, the first requirement is one hundred kilometers per hour, then two hundred, three hundred, and finally collapsed. After that, it became the other extreme. He did not dare to bear any pressure and just wanted to escape from it all.
If you can’t let go of your obsession with “doing things well”, you won’t be able to really do things well. Because although mild anxiety can improve a person's performance, excessive anxiety will only make a person panic. A boy thought that if he forced himself, his chance of success would be 50%, but if he didn't force himself, his chance of success would be only 20%. But in the end, he would force himself to suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder and eventually had to drop out of school. Is this a gain or a loss?
6. People with low desire
Pathological desire can lead to two extremes, one is to work hard, and the other is to give up everything. After all, if you don’t do it, you won’t fail, if you don’t get in touch, you won’t be hurt, and if you don’t actively pursue it, you won’t be rejected.So he avoids anything that can hurt his self-esteem. At the same time, he also avoids intimate relationships because it will expose himself and hurt his self-esteem by others. Even among the crowd, he fantasizes about being a little transparent. He doesn't want others to pay attention to him. He is afraid of standing in the center of the stage and always hides in the corner. In this way, although the excitement of life is lost, safety is also gained.
In the end, he lives in imagination, not reality; in a person's world, not the real world, because the real world is like a mirror that allows him to see himself clearly. For example, one patient mentioned that he had always thought that he was very important in the hearts of his friends, but in real contact he discovered that others did not regard him as important, and that he was actually not that powerful.
It's not that he has no desires, but that he doesn't dare to take any responsibility and recognize himself in reality. So he can only play life and do something only when he is forced by the outside world. For example, he has no money and his family forces him to get married. If there is no external pressure, then he doesn't want to do anything. But people can only grow in conflict, and they cannot grow if they escape reality.
7. Give yourself a chance to grow
A patient left a message: The true self is very weak, how can I become strong?
A person cannot grow up all at once, he can only grow up little by little, provided that you give yourself a chance to grow. Just like a driver, if his real self is always sitting in the passenger seat and never dares to hold the steering wheel, then he will never know how to drive. The self is like a child. Only if you believe in it and give it a chance can it grow up.
A patient wrote: I often feel that I have no strength to take responsibility for my own life. Do I have my own life? Many important decisions and even small things in my past life were made for me by my mother. I suddenly found that I was like a living dead, not knowing what I wanted to do, what I liked and what I didn’t like. When I was a child, I also knew that the older I get, the less clear I am, and I feel very pathetic. What’s even more ridiculous is that many people follow me as a role model, as if I am very successful, at least that’s what my mother said.
What kind of life do you want to live? Have you never decided it yourself? Have you always lived under the control of others and lived the life that others want you to live? Give yourself the opportunity to choose and try and make mistakes. After all, only in this way can you see and believe in your own power.
Although I have given some suggestions on living a true self, there is still resistance in the patient's heart. For example, one patient wrote: I understand what you said about being true to yourself means admitting and accepting that you are not that good, but it seems a bit extreme and seems to be doing whatever you want. I want to ask you, have you ever lost your temper with your daughter? When she does something wrong, does she get angry whenever she wants? Do you want to manage your emotions? How many people suffer from mental illness because of their childhood experiences where their parents often quarreled and lost their temper? Doesn't your book also analyze the impact of childhood experiences on a person? I'm really confused as to what to do and question your statement. Are there no rules at all in raising children? Is that spoiling?
I feel that when a person survives in society, it is impossible to be completely himself. He has to wear a mask, and he can only try to be as undisguised as possible. I have been suppressed too much since I was a child. I need less shoulds, musts, and rules, and live more for myself. But people who have been pampered and grew up need to learn not to be too self-centered, otherwise they will not be accepted in society and will not be happy. So I think there is a problem of degree in being true to yourself. I think people can live as happily as they want, with less pretense, but they must have principles, which is to maximize interests, be good to others and themselves, and suppress things when they should.
This question can be answered from three aspects:
First of all, the question of whether a child should be suppressed when she has done something wrong is more complicated. From her actual situation, she is indeed not a tyrant like her father. Her daughter is not neglected or abused here. She also tries her best to do what a good mother should do. But the problem is that this "care" does not come from love, but from the responsibility of being a good mother.This eventually led to her emotional depression. This suppressed emotion did not really disappear, but was infinitely amplified. In the end, she had the urge to kill her daughter.
's anger towards her daughter comes from two aspects. On the one hand, she has too many complaints and dissatisfaction with her daughter. For example, her daughter's grades were not ideal when she was a child and she did not return to her hometown to work when she grew up. She thinks that her daughter was raised in vain. But she should be a good mother, so she can't say it and can only keep it in her heart. On the other hand, she also had too much coercion on her daughter: after giving birth to her daughter, she demanded that she must raise her daughter well, and that her daughter must be healthy and well physically, mentally, and in all aspects of life. So after her daughter was born, she entered the microscopic world. When she went to sell vegetables at the morning market, she cared about all kinds of viruses and . She couldn't feed her children any fish she bought that touched a plastic bag. On the surface, all this is for her daughter, but in fact, she is afraid of herself who will make mistakes and be imperfect.
She envied bad people. After all, bad people can be free. She suppressed her "evil", but her "evil" became more widespread. In the end, she seemed to be an innocent soul, exuding sadness, and was actually like a vampire to her daughter. Although she had always said that she did not want her daughter to be admitted to Peking University and Tsinghua University, and she had always said that she would not repay her, but in fact she wanted it, but she pretended and suppressed it.
Therefore, this problem is no longer simply about being herself, but about her false self, the inner tyrant, and the fear deep in her soul. Playing herself as a good person, this is a comprehensive sexual problem. From this perspective, it is not easy to live out your true self, because it is not a matter of one point, but involves the entire aspect. If you cannot deeply understand and comprehend the contents of the previous chapters, then the so-called being true to yourself is just empty talk.
Living your true self is not deliberate, it is actually a kind of nature, the result of quantitative and qualitative changes, just like hatching an egg, breaking out of the shell actually comes from the previous gestation process. If there is no previous gestation and effort, the shell is broken directly, and the chick inside has not hatched and formed, then this is very dangerous and will lead to the death of the chick. The same goes for treatment. Although patients always hope that the therapist can wake up the dreamer with one word, in fact, the last word requires a lot of previous accumulation, otherwise it will lead to two results, one is a direct collapse, and the other is like a gopher, just emerging, and quickly hiding in its own "shell". The process of
must be gradual and iterative, otherwise this book could be put directly in the first chapter to explain this issue, without having to use a lot of previous pages to pave the way. Some patients always feel that the actual treatment is not direct and fast enough, and it is not as good as listening to my video lectures. However, if the treatment is too direct and he does not realize it, on the one hand, it will hurt the patient, and on the other hand, he will not realize it, cannot listen, and will have no effect. In fact, if there is no long and seemingly boring understanding and awareness, then there will be no rebirth at the last moment.
Second: Regarding the issue of "degree". She believes that living your true self must be within a certain framework and without harming others. But this is not actually living out your true self. Just imagine a person who is afraid that he will not be accepted by society and that others will dislike him and he has to be a person who speaks and acts with "measures". This is still driven by fear.
No one has the right to tell you what to do or what kind of person you should be. But be careful, when you have to be a kind of person, maybe you have lost yourself. There is nothing wrong with being a good person, but having to be a good person becomes a kind of performance and disguise. When a person puts principles and consequences first, his humanity will be suppressed even more. Therefore, the focus of treatment is not to explore the issue of "degree", nor to teach people to do good or evil, but to respect one's own feelings and be loyal to oneself. The "degree" that is honed in society after that is a real ability to adapt to society. The "degree" that cannot respect one's own feelings is a kind of escape and disguise.After
she wrote: Yes, I feel like I value others’ approval and others saying I am a good person more important than my own life, but this good person suppresses his humanity because he is afraid that he is not good and worthless, and is not really that kind, otherwise I would not have a psychological conflict.
Third, regarding the self-centered problem caused by spoiled children, in fact, self-centered people do not necessarily grow up being spoiled. The classification mentioned in my book "Social Phobia": pathological inferiority and pathological arrogance. The biggest difference between the two is that one attacks inwardly and the other attacks outwardly. The former suppresses himself in order to gain acceptance from others, so the faults are all his own; while the latter thinks that he is right and has no fault. He is privileged and should be treated "fairly". He just cannot suffer losses. In his eyes, it is everyone else's fault. He always thinks that the world is unfair to him and others are not good to him. The former wants to gain a sense of security and achieve inner harmony and unity by thinking that it is all their own fault and gaining acceptance from others. What the latter urgently needs is not love, but success and control, so he needs to prove that he is always right and great in order to maintain his sense of superiority, so he has strong anger and revenge impulses, especially when he thinks his self-esteem has been hurt.
Of course, pathologically conceited people sometimes suppress themselves, because a person's success is not only career success, but also interpersonal perfection, but his ability to suppress himself is obviously not as good as the former. He only starts to behave hypocritically and politely, but it doesn't take long for his disguised mask to be torn apart by anger and revengeful impulses, and then he conflicts with the people who have "hurted" him. Obviously, this is not a question of living oneself or not living oneself, but a question of self-positioning. After all, when a person thinks that he is a superior person, and some people around him are lower-class untouchables, then he cannot treat himself as a human being, nor can he treat others as human beings. When he is spoken rudely, when he is neglected, when others do not focus on him, then of course he will be angry, and the anger at this time is no longer equivalent to the matter itself, but has been geometrically magnified by the damage to his ego.
Living oneself belongs to external skills, while inner awakening belongs to internal skills. If living oneself is regarded as a task rather than an inner awakening, then he still cannot get along with others and the world sincerely. Only by having a deep understanding of one's own neurosis can one understand what is meant by living one's true self, what is not, and what are the obstacles that stand in the way of living one's true self.
If a person can let go of his fantasies and accept himself, he can of course live his life naturally - he can say what he wants to say and do what he wants to do. He will become more and more tolerant of himself, the people around him, and even the world, and at this time he will find that the world in turn is becoming more tolerant and accepting of him. After all, how you treat the world will be how the world responds to you, or the world may be a projection in our eyes. When you are disgusted and demanding of yourself, you will also think that the world is not accepting of you. When you can accept yourself, you will also find that the world begins to become gentle.
