Children enter puberty and begin to want to be responsible for their lives - make their own decisions, choose their friends, arrange their own activities... They will not tell their parents everything, this is part of their pursuit of independence.
This is an exciting but contradictory scenario for children and parents. Parents need to gradually transition from initial meticulous caregivers to relatives who can be selectively dependent on by their children, and then slowly transition to friends whose children can communicate smoothly. The conversion and cooperation of
is not easy. How should parents manage their conflicts? So how can you feel at ease and then let go? Today, let’s listen to this mother’s psychological journey. How did she reconcile with adolescence when facing her child’s “Declaration of Independence” ~
Text | Xiahua
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A few days ago, the epidemic was blocked at home. What I worry about the most is that Xiaoshou is late for class and does not do homework.
Every day, he still plays games but doesn't enter the classroom when it's time. After finally entering the classroom, plays games while playing online classes, doesn't do homework at 11 and 2 o'clock in the evening, etc. Although he didn't criticize the child, he still couldn't help but feel anxious.
was unblocked yesterday. My husband and I both have to go to work, and the two children are at home by themselves. Although I was extremely worried, I had no choice but to let them go.
Go home at 7 pm and see Xiaoshou playing games. I remind him to start homework early! He didn't say anything.
reminded him at 8:30 that it is getting late, so you should start early. He said don’t worry, and I guarantee to complete the homework today.
at 9:30. Seeing that he was still playing games, he couldn't help but remind him again that he was going to bed, so write his homework quickly! He was still indifferent to .
At this time, Xiaopang shouted in the next room: "He has finished writing."
Only then did I realize that he had finished his homework. I felt very surprised and scolded him: "Okay, don't tell me after you finish writing, and I deliberately looked at me and was anxious!" and then left.
At this time, Xiaoshou shouted very angry at Xiaopang's room: "***Are you interesting? Tell me if you know my thing!"
I can feel that he is really angry!
I can also feel that he didn't tell me after finishing his homework, and he didn't mean to surprise me, but he really didn't want to tell me.
Before going to bed, I came to his room and said to him:
"Mom said sorry to you very seriously. I was worried that you did not complete your homework and was anxious for you, so I couldn't help but remind you several times. I didn't expect that you completed your homework so early today. Before my mother got off work, she completed all the homework! It surprised me so much!
In fact, since childhood, your studies have never made your parents worry about your parents. , Facts prove that all our worries and anxiety are redundant. You don’t need us to do anything at all to do everything in order to do everything well!
But as parents, we still can’t help but care about you. Even though we know you will do a good job, we still can’t help reminding you. In the future, mother will try to restrain herself, not remind, not supervise, not worry, and truly trust you. Please understand your mother’s mood as a mother. If you can’t help reminding me sometimes, please forgive me, okay? ”
he nodded.
I said, "Can you please help me answer a question? Why did you finish your homework and don't want us to know, but you didn't mind that we know, if you did well, don't want to tell us what you did well, and only if you did bad things, are you willing to let us know what you did poorly?"
He said, "No, I did well and didn't want you to know what you did well."
I said, "Can I understand it as, , you desire independence and don't want your parents to interfere too much in your affairs, , so you don't want us to interfere with your affairs? ”
He said: “Yeah. "
I said, "Okay, then I understand. I will try to disturb you as little as possible in in , but my father and I are parents after all, so I still hope to have a basic understanding of your affairs, so sometimes I will inevitably ask about it. Can you understand this? "
He nodded.
I said: "Also, as a parent, I have the obligation to convey to you the notices sent by the teacher in the class WeChat group, homework completion report, etc., but my relay does not mean that I have criticized or praised you, but it is just fulfilling the obligation to inform you. Can you accept it? ”
He said: “Yes. "
Finally, let's say goodbye!
A small thing made me feel a lot. When we were at home, he did not attend classes on time and did not hand in homework on time. We were not at home yesterday, and he was not late for one online class. The homework was completed for the first time before we got off work. Even if we finished it, we didn't tell us.
Perhaps, in his heart, telling his parents what he did well in order to get recognition and praise is a very naive thing, and he disdained to do it! He only wants to do what he wants to do, not his parents recognize it What he should do.
Before, I felt that children needed to be praised and encouraged. If you have nothing to do, they would definitely not be wrong to praise them!
Now I feel that not all children like to be praised and encouraged, because praise and encouragement contain the expectations of their parents. If there is expectation, it means being judged. accepts praise from parents, it means accepting the judgment standard of parents . From then on, only when they meet the expectations of their parents will be recognized.
And the most eager , is allowed to be independent and allowed to be themselves! but not Yes, become the ideal child that parents expect.
Become yourself, being yourself, perhaps, is their deepest desire!
I gradually understand that Many times, parents and children are actually the same age.
After entering puberty, children are facing physical and psychological upheavals for the first time;
As parents, we are also feeling the stones and exploring the way to get along with our children bit by bit.
I think it is my "disobedient" child who forces me to keep Observe, keep learning, so you can constantly gain new thinking.
He made me understand that rejecting you is not because I don’t love you, but because I want to keep myself!
He made me understand even more that I love you, but I don’t want to lose myself because of love!
After studying for so many years, I didn’t expect that in the end, it was a child. taught me to keep boundaries and distance!
The host I like very much Venus said a passage:
"What are the children in adolescence?
Adolescents are just a child, but I think I am an adult.
As parents, all we can do is to carefully wrap a layer of film for him with love.
wait for him to grow slowly, poke the film, transform from a small insect into a butterfly, and his parents' tasks are completed. "
Children's path can only go by themselves. After all, we can give them the best. is a trust and a blessing . I believe that they can do their own things well and believe that they can live their lives well!
They don't need to prove to us that they can do it, nor do they need to promise anything to us. After all, this is their own life! they can make their own decisions and be responsible for all decisions!
