Let’s use our imagination:
If there are only you and two other people living on a small island, there is a vast ocean around it.
They are more than twice as tall as you. You are very weak and rely on them for everything.
Not only eat, drink, defecate, but also emotional needs depend on them to meet.
They treat you very well most of the time, and you repay them with love.
But sometimes they will get angry and get angry at you. You feel scared and helpless.
They are so tall, powerful and authoritative.
You can't escape, you can't escape, you can't run away.
What should you do at this time?
Someone said, why can’t I escape? I have to escape even if I find a way.
In fact, this describes a family of three. The weak, small and helpless person is you in your infancy.
When you were very young, you were still infants and young children, you could not escape the influence and control of your family and parents on you. The only thing that
can do is to adapt to this environment so that you can survive better.
People often say that a newborn child is just a piece of blank paper. But how did we develop different personalities later?
After reading the following part, you may have some insights.
1 Adults will also be in " Children's Self-State "
Mr. Toad needs to do psychological counseling because of his poor "state".
After a consultation, the consultant Heron will leave a "homework" for the toad.
Mr. Toad heard that he wanted to leave "homework" for himself, before the consultant could tell the content of the homework, he began to find various reasons.
He looked very anxious and even said to the Heron directly: "Don't leave homework, I have always hated homework. I have a lot to do this week, and I have to go to the town, so I don't have time to do homework."
He lowered his face He muttered himself, not daring to look straight into the consultant's eyes.
The consultant was silent for a long time and looked at the toad who was already an adult curiously. Wait for him to give further explanation.
After a long time, the toad explained in a low voice: "As soon as I heard the word homework, I felt a headache and resistance. I clearly remember the scene of doing homework when I was a child.
I was memorizing and writing until late at night, and I was very scared and very scared. Second God was punished for not doing homework well. "
Do we also have the experience of toads? Because I was so impressed by something when I was a child that I still couldn’t mention related content when I was an adult.
In fact, at this time we are in a "children's self-state".
Children's self-state is built from the remains of our childhood and contains all the emotions we experienced when we were young.
Although we are already adults, a certain feeling when we were young will burst out on specific occasions, making us seem to be back to our childhood state.
In this way, did things in my childhood have a great impact on us? So many years later, today, when we enter middle age or even old age, it will pop out and disturb us.
A poet once said that children are the fathers of adults, and the children and fathers here are of course referring to the same person.
2 Started in the "natural child state"
In fact, every person is a blank piece of paper when they are born. At this time, we are in a "natural child state".
This white paper only has a few emotions from birth, such as happiness, sadness, fear, fear, etc.
But as you age, these basic emotions will change subtly by childhood.
Like a sequence combination, several basic emotions combine into more complex behavior patterns.
These behavior patterns become the prototype of our personality, blended into part of ourselves, and defined our lifelong behavior. After
, all our behaviors are formed and developed around this core.
Of course, many things in the later stages of life will also have an impact on us, but these early experiences are something we cannot deny and forget.
Mr. Toad was dragged back to childhood by a question from a consultant.
When he got home, he found an old photo album in the attic, full of yellowed old photos.
Flipping through the album, a huge sadness surged into my heart.
is not because everyone in the photo is no longer there, but because he rarely becomes the protagonist of the photo.
Toad remembers his harsh father and his unintentional mother.
His father demanded very high from him, and he never seemed to have achieved it.
Mother often depends on her husband's expression. She often put away her mother's side and cater to her husband's preferences.
The ancestors created a wealth of material foundation for him, but these failed to make the young toad proud. On the contrary, he particularly hated going to his ancestral property, the winery. Once there, he felt disgusted and fearful.
His grandfather and grandfather are also famous people. Every Christmas, there will be waves of social celebrities visiting you at home.
Such good family conditions, Toad should have a happy childhood. But as an adult toad, when he recalls his childhood, he can't help but feel sad and painful. What is
causing the toad to have such a state of mind? In fact, these have nothing to do with family conditions. And the impact surrounds the people around him - his parents and grandparents.
is their influence on his later life trajectory and behavior pattern.
3 The difference is in the "adaptive child status"
Toad recalls his painful childhood life and sheds sad tears from time to time.
His father always scolded him for all kinds of things. He is often restricted from doing this or that. He always criticizes and accuses his son.
Although he has never hit his son, when his son makes him dissatisfied, he will say with a stern look and cold tone: "Go back to your room, I haven't thought about how to apologize, and I'm not allowed to go downstairs!"
Gradually , Toad also thinks that his father is always right and he is always wrong.
He dared not be angry or lose his temper at his father. He always felt that if others knew he was angry, he would be punished, and the result was just like his father suppressing him, making his situation worse.
He dared not fight, all his anger and emotions were suppressed deep in his heart, and eventually turned into guilt.
Mother is largely controlled by his father. Regardless of whether his father does right or wrong, she will stand on her husband's side.
She has only one child toad and always treats him like a baby.
She came to school to see the toad and always called her son's nickname. He didn't give him face in front of his classmates. Once, the classmate came to live at home. She asked her son if he had changed into clean underwear in front of her classmates.
No matter how her son resisted, she was so stubborn and still loved her son in her own way until she died.
In order to show off, he always wants to please his father. The more you want to perform well, the more clumsy you are like a fool, often making mistakes and making your father look down upon.
Facing his parents, he was unable to resist at all when he was young, so he could only try his best to adjust his status to adapt to the various requirements of his parents. He learns to obey, do everything according to what they say and want, and not argue with them.
At the same time, Toad also learned to apologize. Before doing anything, he would apologize first in order to appease his father.
Toad has been adjusted step by step from the "natural child state" to the "adaptive child state" that adapts to his family environment.
A toad after adulthood has a significant personality trait: he dare not resist, blindly pleases others, swallows all his unhappiness, and eventually becomes depressed. These are the character foundation laid when he was a child.
at the end:
The strongest emotions we experience in childhood inevitably become the feelings we often have in adulthood. What we learned when we were young is surprisingly similar to what we behaved as adults.
Childhood is the most important time in a person’s life, and this time affects our life.
Some people believe that children in infants and young children don’t understand anything, they don’t understand reasoning, and their behavior patterns. No education is needed during this period.
Little do we know that most of our behavior patterns are formed at this stage.
Although infants and young children do not use logic to think and solve problems, they will understand the ways to deal with things from experience.
Over time, this day-to-day behavior pattern becomes a person's personality trait, and it is difficult to change it again after adulthood.
The care given by parents makes the children feel warm; the parents are very irritable and the children feel scared. If parents often deny them, their children will give up on themselves; if parents care and considerate, their children will be confident and full of strength.
Never think that children who are infants and young children know nothing. In fact, parents' words and deeds are subtly affecting their children.
