After feeding back his child’s problem, a parent said helplessly: “It would be great if the child wanted to come for consultation, but he is unwilling to come no matter how we persuade him.

After giving feedback on his child’s problem, a parent said helplessly: “It would be great if the child was willing to come for consultation, but no matter how much we persuade him, he is unwilling to come. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Teacher, what do you mean to me? How can I convince him to let him come? Can I trick him into coming here, and then you can consult with him directly to ask him to stop being addicted to games and go back to school to study hard?"

This parent's expression is very representative. Many parents have this mentality. First, they don’t want to face and solve problems themselves. Second, they want their children to face and solve problems on their own. Third, they feel that counselors are omnipotent and that as long as they bring their children to the counselor, everything will be fine.

can understand the mood of parents who want to get rid of things once and for all and want to be the shopkeeper. But a child’s growth is never done once and for all, nor can it be a hands-off manager. Since children under the age of 12 do not have the ability to improve on their own, if children of this age encounter problems, the main source of consultation should be their parents; children after the age of 12 have a certain ability to improve on their own, but most are still not able to fully Problems can be solved by relying on independent abilities, so the assistance and collaboration of parents are still essential. Therefore, parents' wish to hand their children directly to a counselor and then solve all problems will basically come to nothing.

Parents are the guides of their children’s lives and are also the ones responsible for their children’s growth. When faced with problems in their children's growth, the best attitude for parents is not to push them away, but to actively take on them. Only by understanding what you can do, understanding the child's inner world, facing it positively, and responding correctly can all pain be solved.

Why do children refuse to consult?

1. I think people who do psychological counseling have psychological problems.

The development of psychological counseling in China is relatively late, and most people lack psychological knowledge. Psychological counseling is only required for sick people, and it is a misunderstanding that most people have. In particular, people around the child, including the child's classmates and even teachers, are also likely to be biased against the person doing the consultation.

At the same time, many children confuse the concepts of psychological counselors and psychiatrists, thinking that psychological counselors are doctors in the hospital, which will naturally cause fear and resistance.

2. Think that counselors are the accomplices of their parents

Some children do not understand the confidentiality principles of psychological counseling. They think that there is nothing wrong with them, and counselors and parents are "on the same side" and only come to help their parents and teach them some truths. of. Even what is said in the heart to the counselor will be told to the parents (it is not ruled out that some inexperienced counselors may make such mistakes), and of course they will resist the consultation.

3. Worry that psychological counseling is too expensive

Some children are unwilling to come after learning about the cost of psychological counseling. Some of these children are more "sensible" and think that their illness has added a burden to their families. They would rather bear the pain by themselves, or they feel that their pain is not enough to warrant spending money.

Another situation is that parents often use expensive consultation fees to imply that their children should get better soon. This invisible pressure will make children more anxious and choose to escape. For example, "The consultation fee is very expensive, you must cooperate with the treatment", "I have spent so much money, why are you not cured yet", etc., the children will think, "I might as well not give up the consultation and save you some money." So. We generally do not recommend that parents inform their children about the consultation fees, and we will try to avoid their children when charging.

4. Thinking that psychological counseling is just chatting is useless

Many people think that psychological counseling is just chatting, and it is the same with talking to friends. Some children do not see much change after one or two consultations, so they feel that the consultation is useless and develop resistance. But in fact, psychological counseling can rarely be achieved overnight, and the solution to the problem cannot be immediate. Instead, it requires a process and requires the persistence and cooperation of the parties involved for a certain period of time.

The development of psychological counseling influence and counseling technology also requires time and process.Expecting that the problem will be solved in one or two consultations is because the root cause is insufficient understanding of the principles of psychological counseling, or parents themselves are eager for quick success, which leads to children having too high expectations for the results of the consultation and being unable to persist.

5. I think the person with the problem is the parents, not me.

Many parent-child education issues are essentially issues of parent education. It is said that parents are the originals and children are the copies. If there is a problem with the copy, it is the original that should be modified. But when many parents see their children having problems, they immediately put the blame on their children. Children often feel aggrieved and think that there is nothing wrong with them. Why does the person who consults have to be me?

In actual cases, some children even directly said to our consultant: Teacher, the person our family needs to consult is not me, but my mother/father. If the child accepts counseling, it is equivalent to admitting that "I am the one with the problem", and the child will naturally not want to. There are indeed some parents who never reflect on their own reasons and fail to see their impact on their children's growth. They simply believe that as long as their children receive counseling, everything will be fine. This is a cognitive misunderstanding.

How to make children willing to accept counseling

Parents spend their entire lives waiting for their children to thank them, and children spend their entire lives waiting for their parents to apologize. The child thinks it is the "problematic" parent who needs counseling. Parents believe that the child who needs counseling is a "problematic" child. It is inevitable that children will encounter some twists and turns when growing up. Parents should always be at the forefront of the problem, take the initiative to take responsibility, face it actively, and solve problems together with their children.

1. Respect children’s ideas and choices

We must first clarify the situation: Is it the parents or the children who are anxious?

"I hope he goes back to school, I hope he can listen to me, I hope he stops playing with his mobile phone..." These are actually the parents' ideas. These ideas have not been realized. It is the parents who are anxious, not the children. So it is the parents, not the children, who may need to be consulted at this time.

If a child really needs consultation but the child is unwilling, parents cannot force the child, let alone use deception. If parents feel anxious because of their children's problems, they can seek counseling to ease their emotions. If parents are anxious because they “can’t get their children to consult” or “don’t know how to guide their children”, it means that the parents lack the means to solve the problem, which should also be solved through consultation.

Therefore, when their children do not want to be consulted, many parents often choose to do a preparatory consultation themselves to solve their own anxiety problems and at the same time discuss with the consultant how to educate and guide their children. Instead of just saying "the child is not willing to consult" just shirks the problem and responsibility.

2. Lead your children to understand psychological counseling together

Parents can search for information by reading books with their children, checking Baidu together, etc., and lead their children to understand the principles, functions, methods, methods, effects, confidentiality principles, etc. of psychological counseling so that their children will no longer resist. and fear of consultation. At the same time, you can also show the psychological counselor's information to your children so that they can have a process of acceptance.

3. Change the expression

The same thing, different expressions will have different results. For example, replace "You don't want to go to school, I'll take you to see a doctor" to "You seem to be feeling a little depressed recently, can I go to a teacher with you to talk to you?"; replace "You think you have a lot of problems. , I’m going to take you to see a psychiatrist on the weekend”, replace it with “I don’t know how to help you, can you accompany me to find a teacher for advice?”; replace “I want to talk to you about playing with mobile phones.” "Let's talk" is replaced by "I have a lot of questions about mobile phones, can you talk to me?"; instead of parents giving direct instructions and losing temper, they turn into asking questions, discussing with children, and asking children to stand up If expressed from his own standpoint, the effect will often be much better.

4. Parents should seek psychological counseling first.

If their children are unwilling to receive counseling, some parents will choose to wait, "waiting until the day when their children are willing to receive counseling." Parents who are attentive will choose to consult first and actively seek solutions to the problem.Psychological counselors will work with parents to analyze and determine the problems faced by the children, what are the causes, what is the current state, and what channels and methods can be used to help the children. With clear ideas and correct methods, parents will become their children's best psychological counselors, which is definitely better than passively waiting and losing their temper.

At the same time, parents come to psychological counseling first, and can also check the psychological counseling that their children may need next, and have an assessment and judgment of the professional level and competency of the psychological counselor, so that the children can have less experience in psychological counseling. Take detours.

practical cases show that if parents have real improvements in communication with their children through psychological counseling, and let their children see that psychological counseling is helpful and promising, the children will be able to receive counseling.

5. Establish reasonable expectations for psychological counseling

Psychological counseling will not forcefully change the child's behavior, nor will it blindly let the child grow up according to the parents' ideas. Psychological counseling adheres to value neutrality and does not make choices for the client, but helps the client discover the relationship between the current dilemma and himself, have the ability to get out of the dilemma, and find the best path out of the dilemma.

Leaves do not turn yellow in one day, and children's problems do not appear suddenly on one day, but are the result of long-term life experiences and the environment in which they live. Therefore, behavioral changes cannot occur through one or two consultations. Big change. In this regard, parents should guide their children to establish reasonable expectations to promote their cooperation and persistence. In the process of improvement of

, it is very important for parents to take the lead in improvement. This will convey to the children the power of consultation and the power of parents to persist, thereby motivating children to consult attentively and make positive changes.

6. Take appropriate precautions and protection

When children encounter mental health confusion, parents should do some things carefully: ① Avoid mentioning sensitive words such as "problem, disease, treatment" in front of the child; ② Do not Ask about what happened to the child in the consultation room, and do not ask what the child said to the counselor. The child will naturally tell you when he wants to communicate with you; ③ The content of the child’s communication between parents and counselors should also be kept confidential from the child, unless The counselor has explained what can be said to the child; ④ Try to keep it confidential from relatives, friends and people around you, to avoid people who do not know the child from "labeling" the child or spreading the child's privacy.

Copyright statement: The author Ruoshui Sanqian is a national second-level psychological counselor and a senior educator. This article is an original article by Ruoshui Sanqian, exclusively authorized to be published by Toutiao today. Netizens are welcome to forward it. Without consent, shall not be reproduced.