What is a family of origin?
We have two families in our lives. One is the home where we grew up, with mom and dad and maybe brothers and sisters. The other is the home where we get married and start a family when we grow up. We call the first home the family of origin.
Experts believe that a person's personality or behavior pattern is inextricably linked to our original family. And this connection has the potential to affect us throughout our lives.
Now, when we become parents, the behavioral patterns of ourselves and our partners will directly affect the future of our children. Ours is our children’s family of origin now, so for the sake of our children, please be a better family of origin.
Stop doing the following:
01 Perfectionism
Your parents have always been trying to force you to do things beyond your own abilities.
People who grow up in this kind of family have anxious emotions, compulsive behaviors, and words of "must...should...". If they can do it, they will be anxious and nervous. If they can't, they will feel inferior and depressed. .
He can't make mistakes. He can't do this to himself, and he can't do this to his lover and children. This will damage the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between parents and children.
In the relationship between husband and wife, at least you have to see me. Perfectionist people don’t know how to appreciate others. No matter how much you do, she will feel that it should be done; in the relationship between husband and wife, secondly, you need to appreciate, and thirdly, worship. Especially women to men, men need to be seen, appreciated and worshiped.
From the perspective of a counselor, there are three things to say to yourself from a behavioral level:
I can make mistakes, I am good enough, and I can appreciate and affirm myself.
02Excessive high pressure
You are not allowed to say anything, only they say it. Only he speaks in this family, not you, because in this way you do a lot of things you don't want to do.
Extroverted people will rebel if they are put under high pressure. If parents continue to press hard, children who blindly rebel may develop behavioral deviations when they grow up. They will use stubbornness to protect themselves and resist, and they will overreact in terms of independence. Introverts will retreat inside when they are under high pressure, which is more dangerous.
When I grow up, I can do:
I have a choice. When I grow up, I can make my own decisions. Be afraid and do it at the same time.
Children who grew up under high pressure, no matter whether they are introverted or extroverted, lack a sense of security. I cannot be independent because I have no confidence in myself.
Anything I do independently increases my trust in myself. I take responsibility for my own life.
03 Excessive spoiling
always makes you do things you know you can't do. In fact, you do it according to your wishes.
A spoiled child is willful and resourceful. When his parents say he can't do it, he will resort to means and the parents will give it to him. Self-centered, looking at problems more from one's own perspective.
A spoiled child is hollow inside. I often use anger to control others, so I have a lot of anger.
said to myself:
No, no, no.
This world is not mine and does not follow me around.
Others also have boundaries.
04 Overprotective
Parents are always overly worried and anxious. They don’t let you do anything but do it for you.
In psychological counseling, overprotection is particularly difficult to do.What is taken away is independence, sense of worth and security, leaving only the ability to love and connect. The first three powerful abilities of
people have been taken away. If these three are turned off, the vitality will not be strong. It is very difficult to do it when you grow up. Such children are particularly loving and easy to connect with others.
said to myself:
Give me a little time, I can do it.
A sense of value, security, independence, and independence all take time.
His parents have always given him the idea that you can't do it on your own. I believe that I am just as good and capable as anyone else. I don't know how, I can learn.
05 excessive punishment
abusive, often locked in a place and so on.
Parents usually have been beaten themselves. Parents are not bad people, but they cannot control their emotions. In order to fight against their children, they will definitely accuse their children: You are wrong, you are not good. After the fight, the child must make a decision: Do I believe it or not.
I don’t believe that the vitality is strong. What the body suffers is pain. I think that my parents are bad guys and vicious, and I completely deny what my parents did. At the same time, I had to accept their support of me, so I would be divided inside and my emotions would be too complicated. There are few such children. They think the world cannot be trusted because neither parents can be trusted.
Most children will choose me. I believe that even if I am beaten, I can endure it and can eliminate the mistakes I have made. I believed it, and I had to absorb all the accusations from my parents. I told myself that I was bad, I was wrong, and I deserved it. It hurt my whole being, I felt like a terrible person and that I offended my parents on a regular basis.
Compared with the former, the latter is better for children. When growing up, such people are prone to self-deprecation. It is difficult for him to speak and affirm himself. Give yourself a patch of poison every day. There is a very powerful vitality inside. As long as it is stimulated when you grow up, this person can grow very quickly.
Say to yourself:
Be kind. Always tell yourself to be kind to yourself.
Even if I do not do well, if I make mistakes, this person is treating me with kindness. When I grow up, when I do something wrong, there is a stern voice inside, and I have to tell myself that I have to be a kind father or mother.
Only in this way will I be kind to my children in the future. Otherwise, it is most difficult for such people to be kind. It’s not about how well you do it, or how right it is. Be your own good parent.
Especially the part about accepting yourself unconditionally. I'm good enough. When he was a child, he was beaten no matter what he did, but he still did it seriously. All very nice people.
06 ignore
They are too busy and see them going home and going out all day long; there is another situation that is not because she is busy, but caused by sibling competition.
If I am often ignored, my competitive spirit is strong, my behavior is competitive, and I am competitive. I would feel worthless if my parents were too busy and ignored.
Extroverted people speak loudly or act excessively to stand out in order to be seen, and do inappropriate or inappropriate behaviors to attract others' attention (among the three "me", "situation" and "others"), "I" will be particularly large. ). What’s healthy is increasing your strength to get noticed. They are all trying to get attention.
When consulting, the client has many deep feelings. Do not easily say "We understand what you have experienced". Saying "We cannot understand the suffering you have suffered" can touch the other party more.
I want to say to myself:
I am important. I am important enough (it will affect my sense of existence and worth.)
I can love myself. I am the manifestation of a unique life in this world throughout the ages. I have my own beauty.
07 refuse
Our parents are very indifferent. Even if they are just a child, they cannot get close to the child and do not connect with the childishness. This is related to her own family of origin.
The biggest one is the indifferent person. Very rarely, a child will be very enthusiastic. Generally speaking, he will not become indifferent. He will be very noisy and troublesome. He will often hug other people's children when he goes to school.
Such extremely enthusiastic children become extremely cold, very dangerous, twisted, and autistic . Being rejected will give you a painful feeling, and you are not worthy of love.
If I am indifferent, there will be no problem at work. If I am indifferent in language and behavior, there will be problems in marriage. They can love, but they cannot connect.
I want to say to myself:
I can accept my own connection.
Others can get close to me, and I can get close to others.
I can have requests.
08 Sexual Assault
People who have been sexually assaulted when they were young are usually by relatives, acquaintances, parents' friends and neighbors.
What to do in such a sexual assault? The best information I have seen is simply about sexual assault. There is an island in the United States that provides group therapy in this area. He made a plan with four points, which also helped himself.
First: What needs to be clarified is, whose responsibility is this happening? Who is responsible?
This is not my fault, the person who harmed me must be fully responsible!
Second: This is not my fault, but it happened to me, so it has an impact on me. What should I do about the impact? I am responsible for this not continuing to hurt me, no one else is responsible for me. We can't change what happened in the past, but we can change the impact of the past on ourselves.
Third: Forgive, forgive yourself. This incident has hurt me a lot and I have grown up now. When I see it now I am responsible for stopping it, starting today.
Fourth: Choosing to forgive him is also for myself. Psychotherapy ends with love and forgiveness.
09 What impact does a bad relationship between parents have on children? The biggest impact is on intimacy and responsibility, and it is easy to go to extremes. Another one that is affected is security.
Say three sentences to yourself:
The first sentence: The relationship between parents is their own responsibility. I am only responsible for being a good daughter (son), not a savior. (If the relationship between parents is not good, the children will have no boundaries)
The second sentence: I want to learn consistency.
The third sentence: I will not be a victim. (Don’t use your parents’ relationship as a reason to be your victim. You must be responsible for yourself after the age of twenty-five. Because the overall development of human beings is complete by the age of twenty-five.)
is written at the end:
Everyone They spend their entire lives searching for their own definition. Perhaps the road to explore the inner world is far more difficult than the road to the outside world, but we all need some courage to heal the "home" in our hearts.
travels through the love and pain in the original family, reconciles with the inner parents, and then completes the pursuit of happiness and reshapes one's own life.
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