We know that autism individuals have defects in their theory of mind or developmental delays, unable to understand the thoughts and feelings of others, or even their own thoughts and feelings. When they are transferred to clinics for treatment of mood disorders, doctors usually pay attention to emotions such as anxiety, sadness and anger. But after now! Through many years of clinical experience, it is found that there is a fourth kind of emotional problem worth noting: that is the understanding and expression of love.
Ordinary children like to seek the love of their parents, and they can also interpret the signals that others are expecting to express their love. They know when to express their emotions, communicate love with others, or repair other people's emotions.
Children younger than 2 years old already know that vocabulary and actions related to love are the most effective emotional repair tools.
However, individuals with autism often do not understand why ordinary people are so obsessed with expressing love and emotions to each other. For them, hugs are likely to be an uncomfortable experience of being squeezed. Some young children learn not to cry soon, because crying will cause uncomfortable squeezing from others.
Donna Williams wrote in her autobiography:
Annie was sitting on the bed. An expert sat with her and put a doll beside her. At this moment Annie suddenly yelled hysterically, as if this situation made her panic even more. Oh, this normal comfort symbol-a doll-has become a terrible reminder. In the eyes of ordinary people, if they cannot comfort a person, at least "human symbol-doll" will make the other person feel comfortable. However, this "common sense" does not work for Annie. (
When expressing feelings of love, individuals with autism may prefer short and low-key expressions. When they experience higher or more than expected expressions of love, they will become confused or feel overworked.
But However, the opposite situation will also occur. Some autistic children and adults desire frequent caressing (sometimes for a sense of security), and the expression of love is close to the point where others cannot bear it. Their way of expressing love is often not through rich emotions. The vocabulary is also inconsistent with the age, and some people's expressions even go too far.An adult said to me: "We can feel and express love, but it is either incomprehensible or incorrect in intensity."
Edgar Schneider explained his love for love in his autobiography Confusion: Once my mother was very angry and said to me: "Do you know where the problem is? You just don't know how to love others! You have to learn how to love!" I was taken aback and couldn't figure out her at all. Meaning, I still don't understand until now.
Psychoanalytic research for autistic groups pointed out that these people are not likely to fall in love (I once assisted couples with autism in a couple with marriage relationship counseling, and asked them to describe their views on love. The following answer From the non-autistic side.
Love is: tolerance, non-judgment, and support.
Love is a combination of beliefs connected with our childhood language and experience. When you meet someone, Have characteristics you admire, or characteristics you don’t have (but you applaud and respect)-or they (the people you admire) will project your ideal self-an image you want to be, or Think of yourself as the same person as the other person.
Love is: passion, acceptance, admiration, security, and enjoyment together.
Love is: when I am with that person, I can feel myself.
below The answer comes from the person with autism.
Love is: helping your partner and doing things for her.
Love is: wanting to connect with other people’s emotions.
Love is: being with each other, someone depends on you, and Help you in the right way.
Love is: I don’t know what it specifically refers to.
Love is: tolerance, loyalty, allowing private space.
Love is: I don’t know what the correct answer is.
Love is: I have not felt and experienced it yet.
Maxine Aston wrote in her book Aspergerin Love:
in partnership Among them, most men with autism are honest, loyal and hard-working, and most of them stay loyal to their partners throughout their lives.They do their best to give love. If their partner understands autism, then they will be grateful for their dedication with practical actions. Men with autism are unlikely to provide emotional support or empathy to each other, and some women cannot live in the emptiness and loneliness caused by this.
Individuals with autism may show obvious sympathy because they see other people suffering physical pain, or they may be moved by seeing photos of famine or natural disasters. However, sometimes I have to explain to some people with autism that a bleeding wound indicates that the body is suffering, and a tearful face indicates that he is suffering from emotional pain. At this time, he can take some practical actions. Relieve the emotional pain of others.
Parents of children with autism, especially mothers, often regret that their children cannot express love through words and behaviors. When a mother expresses love to a child, such as reaching out to hug the child, his body often becomes stiff, and other people's love often fails to soothe his pain. Mothers often do not know how to comfort their children, because her love and care are always rejected. It seems that there is no way to calm the child's emotions effectively. Children with autism are often confused or misunderstood about the love expressed by their parents. For example, every night before going to bed, their mother always lays next to an anxious 8-year-old boy with him. This is the behavior that mothers are used to expressing love. Make sure that someone who loves him will be there when he falls asleep. But when I asked him: "Why
, does your mother want to lie next to you?" He replied: "She is tired. She said my bed is the most comfortable bed in the world."
Teachers It is usually quickly realized that children with autism do not like actions with meanings related to love or accept emotional public praise. Individuals with autism cannot tolerate the love and emotional behavior of others. Their explanation said: "I hate sentimentality. I think this kind of deliberately displayed empty emotions is actually useless. People should try to avoid the overflow of emotions, because being too emotional will make real emotions worthless."
Although individuals with autism like and have the ability to show weak affection, waiting until adolescence and early adulthood may cause trouble because of being obsessed with someone. At this time, the performance of love and the act of expressing love may become very strong, and the well-intentioned behavior of others will be misunderstood as having a special meaning of love: coupled with the defects of their theory of mind ability and developmental delay, they often think of others. There is the same degree of love, so I always like to stick to this person and want to talk to him.Such actions can easily be accused of stalking and harassment.
Although we have some treatment options and drugs to deal with anxiety, depression and anger, medical workers have not yet encountered an example of "love disorder" coming to see a doctor. Experts recognize that children and adults with autism need to accept some courses to understand and learn how to express feelings and love, how to express likes and praises, what to do after falling in love, and how their partners expect themselves to be emotional and romantic in love And passion. Educational programs about love and partnership should include the use of a series of social stories or social articles to explain why ordinary people like and benefit from emotional connections: how to show that you like certain people, and how to judge that they also like you; How to reach a consensus between the degree of affection that an autistic individual likes and the expectations of family and friends for expression of love.
If one of the spouses or parents is autistic, the training content should include teaching the autistic partner when, how and how often to express love and affection. Sometimes I also use cognitive behavioral therapy strategy, for example, through emotional education to help them understand the concept and feeling of "love": use cognitive reconstruction strategies to change their thinking and behavior: use desensitization therapy to reduce and Anxiety, confusion, and frustration associated with feelings of love. I hope to gradually increase their tolerance, pleasure and ability. Let them have the confidence to express a series of subtle emotions from like to love.
Tianbao Grandin once said:
From my brain scan, I found that certain emotional circuits between the frontal cortex and amygdala are not connected- These circuits affect my emotions and are related to my ability to feel love. I can feel the emotion of love, but it is different from the way people with normal nervous system feel. Does this mean that my love is less valuable than others?
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