Case description:
Visitor Xiaoli, female, 40 years old, a teacher at a senior middle school in Binzhou. Recently, she was very distressed, mainly because her father was hospitalized again. As always, no matter whether her brother is at home or not, his father put all the responsibilities on her.
My brother is not bad this time. I can take time to go to the hospital to accompany my father. It's not like she is always alone inside and outside. However, all the money came from her, including the meal expenses of her brother and father. She didn't care about it, but one day at noon, she didn't go to the hospital because of an important meeting at school, and the meal card she had recharged for her brother happened to run out. Because she didn't charge the card in time, her brother actually threatened that she and her father would not eat anymore. This made her backlog of many years of grievances out of control, which is really unacceptable.
She couldn't figure out why, and knew that this would not work, so she made an appointment for a one-on-one psychological consultation with Teacher Fang Fei from the Psychological Care Center of Dumai Academy.
Consultation process:
When she came to the consultation room, she first drained her years of suffering. It turned out that, influenced by the patriarchal thought, my father had always preferred his elder brother. After the mother died, his father not only gave all his money to his brother, but also put money on her head. Fortunately, her husband understands her better. However, over time, my husband also felt unfair and had opinions. In the past few years, my father has been hospitalized many times in a row, and she has been running around to take care of him. However, her elder brother didn't even want to pay for the meal, so she couldn't accept it.
The consultant listened to her for more than half an hour before she felt a little more comfortable, but at the same time she felt that she was very confused. What to do from now on? I want to change this situation, but I don't want to conflict with my loved ones. It's really a dilemma.
After listening to her, the consultant asked Xiaoli a question: "If you are sick,Can't take care of your father, is your brother able to take good care of your father? "
Xiaoli replied without even thinking: "Sure! My brother is actually very careful and treats my father very well, and my father also likes to be with him.
The consultant nodded in agreement, and then asked Xiaoli: "Then do you know why your brother was like this when you were there?"
Xiaoli said with a headache: "I just don't understand this!" "
In the next consultation, the consultant analyzed the boundary problems in interpersonal relationships for Xiaoli. As an adult, the daily social boundaries are relatively easy to grasp; however, when placed on relatives, it is easy to have unclear boundaries.
Xiaoli believes that she should spare no effort to pay for her loved ones. Therefore, she will rush to the front and take responsibility first, and will unconsciously take more responsibility. Over time, relatives will become accustomed to it, and will never see it again. Her contribution; at the same time, as long as she is there, other people will also become dependent and evade responsibility.
After listening to the counselor’s analysis, Xiaoli suddenly realized. Then, she and the counselor discussed the next changes together. Solution: My father’s condition has stabilized and my elder brother can deal with it alone. At the same time, her own small family has a lot of things waiting for her to deal with, so I just take this opportunity to leave and let my elder brother take care of his father independently for a few days, so that my elder brother can realize and bear it. Take your own responsibility.
Consultation:
Maintaining any relationship requires a balance between pay and feedback. The boundary is the balance lever in the relationship, which is the interpersonal relationship. The key to maintaining long-term stability. Especially in family relationships, this is particularly important.
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