Recently, my good buddy Xiao Deng confided to me that he had quarreled with his girlfriend. During the cold war, he wanted to stay with me for two days. I asked him why? The trouble was so stiff, they ran away from home. He said, I really can't stand it anymore, every time I complain all kinds of things because of a little thing, I quarrel and make trouble with me, and I can't tell her, forget it, can't I still be able to hide if I can't provoke me. It's okay, just calm down for a few days...
this...change is also fast. After all, before this, they were the model couples in the eyes of our friends, and they were all kinds of happiness in the circle of friends. Why did it happen like this.
I thought to myself, if this goes on, it will become cold and violent. Just when I wanted to reason with him, he said something, then I came over and hung up the phone...
suddenly had a feeling in my heart, insisting on cold violence People, hateful, but pitiful.
Cold violence is a kind of violence, and its manifestations are mostly indifferent, contemptuous, laissez-faire, alienated and indifferent, causing others to be violated and hurt mentally and psychologically. The reason
is hateful is because they use cold violence to bring pain and torture to their partners.
On the surface, they are calm and quiet, but they don't know that this kind of indifference and alienation to their partners is essentially a kind of mental abuse.
The most terrifying thing is that the person involved does not know that this kind of "destroying invisible" behavior brings permanent trauma to the partner. There is a fragment in the
movie "Wuwenxidong": Shufen could not bear her husband Xu Bochang, and committed suicide by jumping into a well for a long period of cold violence against her.
Cold violence in marriage will not only drive a calm woman crazy, it will even kill a woman.
Moreover, in real marriages, domestic violence incidents are not rare. Relevant data show that in China, more than 80% of people encounter domestic violence after marriage. It can be seen from
that the number of people experiencing cold violence is so large that it is staggering.
The famous French psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, Dr. Marie-François Yrigoyen, in the book "Cold Violence", called it "hidden but real violence"
has to say, "The abuser" is very hateful.
But then again, why do those "abusers" adopt such behaviors that seem to hurt their partners when facing emotional distress?
Actually, this is well-founded. There is a concept in psychology called avoidant personality trait, also called avoidant personality. Its most characteristic is withdrawn behavior, psychological low self-esteem, and often adopt an avoidant attitude or inability to cope with challenges. The reason for the formation of this personality trait is that the needs of childhood cannot be answered from the parents of the original family. Growing up in this environment, over time, I formed an idea deep in my heart that I was not worth having.
so that in the intimate relationship after growing up, once there is a conflict, no response from the other party is required, and no response is given to the other party. The specific manifestation of
is that it is unable to respond to the emotional appeal of the partner, and subconsciously wants to escape in case of trouble.
is like my good buddy, Xiao Deng, who is still sleeping in my living room...
, I told him, you can "work" for a few days, go home and make peace with your girlfriend.
He said, I know it’s not good to run out like this, after all, I still love him, but every time I encounter a quarrel, I don’t know how to deal with it.
Actually, I know that he also longs for love and wants to reconcile with his girlfriend. It's just that he doesn't know how to love, because he has never been loved while growing up.
Maslow’s need theory points out that when people meet their basic physiological needs and safety needs, they will have a need for love and a sense of belonging.
Those "batterers" do not have the need for love, but use the wrong way, and this wrong way makes them fall into the vicious circle they have drawn, and never find the outlet for love.
Look at the remarks on "cold violence" on the Internet, basically all kinds of condemnation and attacks are one-sided.
It is true that the harm caused by cold violence is undoubted, but we should also look at cold violence from another angle-the "abuser" may also be the victim. Some netizens at
said that my ex-girlfriend left me because of cold violence, but I really didn't deliberately alienate her, I just gained a sense of security in this way!
Seriously, I think they are very pitiful. They used the wrong way to cause irreparable harm to their partners due to their own personality defects. When they suddenly woke up, they were farther and farther away from happiness.
As the saying goes, poor people must be hateful.
If you want to truly gain happiness and love, you must face your own personality defects and strive to change yourself. Use the right way to deal with conflicts in the relationship.
As for how to change yourself?
My understanding is:
must first improve self-awareness.
Every time you quarrel or have conflicts, you should be aware of your own mentality of wanting to implement cold violence, and imply that it is wrong to do so. There must be such awareness.
Secondly, explore self-aspirations and express self-needs.
wants to look back at his own heart, what do you want from this relationship? What exactly are your needs? If you want love, express it bravely, don't be afraid to show your fragility, and let the loved one understand your emotional needs.
Again, learn to love.
Hayao Miyazaki once said that love requires a price, love requires responsibility, and love requires you to give up something for the other person and change yourself.
If you really love your partner, please change for him! After all, if you love someone, you don't want to see him hurt, let alone torture like cold violence.
Finally, I want to say that I hope everyone can understand and tolerate more cold and violent "abusers". After all, no one in this world is a born "evil", and no one is a perfect "saint". We They all bear the mark of childhood good or bad and grow into who they are today.
But the understanding is not to justify the "guilt" committed, but to hope for the possibility of change.
Otherwise, the poor man would be really hateful!
