01
received a letter from a reader. The content of the letter is as follows:
Fat Fish, hello, I have been following you for some time.
I am a bride-to-be, but I don’t have the slightest joy of being a bride, and I have one worry after another.
I am even full of fear about my future marriage. My boyfriend’s parents want us to go back to our hometown to hold a banquet during the Chinese New Year, but I don’t know if I want to get married? I would like to ask you to give me some advice.
My name is Gu Xi, from Hubei. I met my husband Chen Hang in school. After graduation, we stayed in Guangzhou and worked hard together. He joined a large IT company with a salary of more than 20,000 yuan. I work as a teacher in a private school and I earn a decent income.
We have been together for three years, and we have been saving money so that when we get married, we will no longer rent a house and have our own home in this city. Although we have saved a lot of money, the housing prices in Guangzhou are still a drop in the bucket.
At the beginning of this year, in order to take care of its employees, Chen Hang's unit offered a group purchase discount with its cooperative units, and the housing prices were much cheaper. We were so pleasantly surprised that we calculated the money we had and borrowed some more to make up the down payment.
has such a good opportunity, and we naturally don’t want to miss it. When buying a house, the names of both parties must be written on it. I didn’t care about the proposal ceremony and immediately went with Chen Hang to get the certificate. We used all our savings over the past few years, plus some sponsorship from my parents, and quickly paid the down payment.
My mother sighed on the phone: Alas, with this epidemic, the parents of both parties have never met, so my daughter just received the certificate from someone else, which is strange.
Chen Hang also felt sorry for me, and repeatedly assured my parents on the phone that he would treat me well in the future.
Chen Hangyuan's parents in his hometown in Chaoshan did not have the money to buy a house because they had no money, but they said they would give me the gift money and a set of gold jewelry.
In the small town where we come from, the current betrothal gift is usually about 100,000 yuan. My parents are teachers and are relatively open-minded, and I am the only daughter in the family. They only wanted 88,000 yuan in the end.
Unexpectedly, Chen Hang's parents asked his brother to transfer 58,000 yuan. They also said that the bride price in Chaoshan was basically this amount. After the woman got married, she would take it all back to her husband's house, and she would also have to bring a car with her. And the gold jewelry will have to wait until the end of the year when I return to my hometown in Chaoshan to serve wine. The four pieces of gold jewelry I bought in the photos taken by
look like gold struck in a small workshop. Not to mention their old-fashioned style and poor quality.
My mother-in-law also said that the eldest son of his family also behaved like this when he got married, and we, the younger ones, could not make exceptions more than the older ones. In the end, we had to buy a pair of platinum rings by ourselves in Guangzhou.
Chen Hang has a small factory at home, which is managed by his parents and brother and sister-in-law. The business was okay before the epidemic, but it struggled later.
I thought I had already shown understanding to them once when I bought a house, but now that they have given in on the bride price, I feel very disrespected. I yelled at Chen Hang and ignored him for a week.
When Chen Hang came back from get off work, he would cook, wash dishes, and order milk tea to make me happy. He explained that this was indeed the case in their hometown, where the eldest son was given priority in everything. His mother didn't say anything nonsense, she just said it in a bad way, so she told me not to worry about it.
02
Why don’t you care about something that happens once in a lifetime? Besides, it’s so boring for them to bargain over the price of the bride price.
Chen Hang was very angry when he saw me. Besides, my parents helped me collect the down payment and even reduced the amount of the bride price. He was also quite embarrassed, so he asked his colleagues to borrow 30,000 yuan to top it up, and he got a total of 88,000 yuan as the bride price.
It seems that the problem has been solved, but actually think about it, we have already obtained the certificate, isn’t this 30,000 yuan property after marriage? Using our own money to add gifts to ourselves, and then bringing it back, our left pockets will be transferred to our right pockets. Isn't this deception?
We originally planned to hold a banquet in Guangzhou, but due to special circumstances, we canceled it.
My parents said that in extraordinary times, keep everything simple and health is the most important thing. But Chen Hang's parents refused to say anything. They said that there were many relatives in the family and they insisted that we go back to our hometown to hold a wedding reception.
How long has this been going on? Are you still adding to the chaos? Chen Hang said that this is the custom in his hometown. It is more ceremonial to marry a wife in his hometown and then pay homage to his ancestors.
After Chen Hang repeatedly tried to please me, I compromised and agreed to go back to my hometown with him to hold a wedding reception before the Chinese New Year.
Last weekend, I woke up from a nap at home and found that Chen Hang was not at home. I thought he had gone shopping for groceries, so I didn’t think much about it.
I was going to get my hair done. When I was going downstairs, I passed by the green belt of the community and heard a familiar voice: Brother, I still have to pay off my mortgage, how can I have money? The last gift to Xiaoxi, my father clearly gave me 58,000 in cash and asked you to transfer it. It's a good thing for you that you just transferred 48,000 yuan to me and asked me not to tell my parents. I had no choice but to ask my colleagues to borrow 10,000 to top up.
Are you gambling again? You just asked me for two thousand at the beginning of the month. How many days has it been?
Through the gaps between tall and dense green plants, I saw Chen Hang sitting on a bench in the flower bed of the community and making a phone call, his eyebrows furrowed and his face ashen.
I instantly understood what was going on. The winter sunshine hit me warmly. The flowers and trees in the south were still lush in winter, but I felt as if I was in an Arctic ice cave, and my whole body was chilled.
03
When I got home, I asked Chen Hang what was going on? He hesitated and said that his brother always said that he couldn't make money in business, so he asked him for 3,500 yuan, promising to return it to him when he made money in the future.
He thought that his parents were not well-educated, and his brother and sister-in-law were taking care of the family business. His nephew was still young and had a lot of money to spend. Although my brother had a gambling problem in the past, he thought that his sister-in-law was also very good and would not have it now, so he transferred some money to him one after another. His brother also promised to wait for him to get married. As an elder brother, he would definitely not stand idly by.
Unexpectedly, his brother had no bottom line and dared to think of a betrothal gift. His father has a very bad temper. If he finds out, his brother will be scolded for a long time and the whole family will not be in peace. So Chen Hang kept it secret, but today his brother said that he had trouble with the cash flow and asked him to transfer 5,000 yuan to him, and he became angry.
I was instantly petrified, knowing that Chen Hang usually takes care of his family and often sends things back. When my eldest nephew was born, he asked me to accompany him to buy a gold lock to take home. Later, I often bought milk powder and children's toys online.
I was still thinking at that time, he loved his nephew so much, would he like him even more when he has his own children in the future? But he didn't expect that he was basically a Fu Ge demon.
I told him directly that although I am marrying you, a person’s family of origin cannot be separated. Besides, our own conditions are average, we still owe a mortgage, and we have to raise children in the future. If you want to continue to support me in the future, then I'm sorry, I can't continue to be with you.
Chen Hang hugged me and promised me again and again that the money borrowed by his brother before the marriage would be forgotten, and he would not lend me any more money after the marriage.
04
Just as we were talking, the mother-in-law called us via video call and told us not to forget to bring gifts back to our eldest nephew in Guangzhou before we go back to hold the wedding reception. He also said that according to local customs, we as uncles and aunts have to give our nephew a big red envelope, at least 2,800 yuan, and then we have to give our sister-in-law an eiderdown quilt.
The rules are set before people even enter? I didn't want to say a word and looked at Chen Hang and sneered.
Under my teasing and sarcastic gaze, Chen Hang's face slowly turned red, and he blurted out to his mother-in-law on the other end of the video who was talking so enthusiastically that she was spitting: Mom, I didn't want to say it. Since you have so many requests, I might as well tell you, right? Brother gave me 10,000 yuan as a bride price and asked me to hide it from you.
Over the years, I have never felt sorry for my brother. Ever since I was little, I have always stayed close to him for everything to eat and have fun. After working, I support my family and send money and goods. When did I say no? But even for such a big thing as my marriage, as an elder brother, he didn't even bother to plucking his hair out of my usual help. Is this what humans do?
On the other end, the mother-in-law was obviously stunned for a moment and muttered: Would your brother do such a thing? But the embarrassed expression on her face clearly showed that she believed that her youngest son would not lie.
My mother-in-law lowered her voice and said: Don't tell your dad, otherwise it will be terrible. Your dad has always complained that I spoiled the boss, and now he doesn't stop.
My mother-in-law even specially asked me to pick up the video, and kept telling me that my father-in-law had a bad temper and I couldn't let him know.We are all a family, so I have to be more magnanimous. After all, he is the eldest brother. When he makes money in the future, he will pay it back to us and so on.
I put a polite smile on my face and said: Auntie, this is your family matter. You have nothing to say to me, an outsider.
After saying that, I threw the phone to Chen Hang and turned around and entered the room.
What Chen Hang told his mother later, I was not in the mood to listen, but I knew that I had no confidence in my future marriage. I don’t even want to go back to my hometown with him to hold a wedding reception during the Chinese New Year.
05
Thank you for your trust!
As the saying goes: Brothers settle accounts clearly. Obviously, your eldest brother always asks your husband to borrow money and never repays it. Now he dares to pay as a gift, which shows that he is a person with bad character.
has no integrity and no sense of proportion. He does not realize that as brothers grow up, although it is necessary for brothers to help each other, the amount and degree of help must be measured and limited.
Your mother-in-law has been asking you to help hide it, otherwise the father-in-law will scold them and their son, which shows that the elder brother's temper has been spoiled, and your mother-in-law has been engaging in moral kidnapping for you.
Resolutely say no to your mother-in-law's rude requests that go against your bottom line, otherwise she will continue to ask you to make concessions in the future. As for how to solve the problem, let your husband step in. You must not get ahead of him.
Looking at the above, your husband asked his eldest brother if he went gambling again? Explain that this bad habit is not just a day or two, and that you will pay back the money later. Do you think the words of a gambler can be trusted?
The ancients said: When we were young, we were brothers, and when we grew up, we lived in different villages. That is to say, no matter how good the relationship between brothers was when they were young, when they grow up and start a family and have their own small families, the small family should be the main focus.
Although you and your husband will live in Guangzhou from now on, you won’t have to deal with his family every day. However, marrying a person means marrying his entire social relationship, and you cannot separate him from his family of origin.
Of course, Chen Hang promised you that he would never be a brother-supporting demon in the future, but he clearly knew that his brother's borrowing money was not for serious business, so he lent it to him again and again. He was still allowed to intercept Hu's gift because he was worried about his father's temper and did not dare to tell him. All this shows that Chen Hang is not very principled. Will he continue to be soft-hearted in the future?
Life is full of seas. What can determine the joys and sorrows of our life are the few people around us. They are more important than material money and are only sentimental. Obviously, with such a brother and mother, if your husband wants to take care of the relationship between mother and child, and brotherhood, he may not be able to take care of the relationship between husband and wife.
Whether your marriage should continue or not depends on your husband's performance and your ability to withstand the worst outcome.
As for returning to my hometown to hold a wedding banquet during the Chinese New Year, I’d better wait and see.
