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This time, it was not Zhang Wanting and Song Ningfeng , but another couple who divorced for one and a half years, did not quarrel or resent, and had a calm and "happy good" look in their eyes.
The woman, Su Shiding, is the champion of the singing talent show; the man, Lu Ge, is a contemporary artist.
Because of a collaboration at work, the two met and fell in love.
At that time, Su Shiding was in Xi'an and Lu Ge was in Shanghai, but the long-distance relationship not only did not widen the distance between the two, but instead made the two hearts get closer and closer.
Later, the two got married and Su Shiding moved from Xi'an to Shanghai.
Later, in order to pursue career development, Su Shiding moved from Shanghai to Beijing, while Lu Ge chose to stay in Shanghai.
Unfortunately, this time, the two people were pushed away unexpectedly.
We have been married for 4 years, the two have no children, the party at fault, and there is no fierce conflict or quarrel, but they fall into a second long-distance relationship.
Regarding the reasons for the divorce, the two also said that it was the reason for their relationship that it was different places that made their relationship fade.
But after reading the chat content on the hot search, I really want to say to them: long-distance relationship will not take the blame!
chat topic was first initiated by Lu Ge. He asked Su Shiding: "What do you think love is like? Why can't you love someone as focused as Sister Lisa?"
Su Shiding answered like this: "What you want is long-term love, but love needs to be transformed. Passionate love cannot last long."
She believes that she is not a person who believes in love so much. She is not so eager and yearn for passionate love, and she may even be a little resistant.
So she felt that love will definitely undergo some conversions to in the end. It is understandable that
has such a view. After all, everyone has different experiences and different ways of loving others. Some people may have a slight lack of "the ability to love". After
, Su Shiding talked about her childhood to explain why she had such an experience and why she had such a lack of ability to love.
02
Su Shiding said that before she was 6 years old, she lived with her grandparents in the countryside. Although she was a left-behind child, those days were the most carefree time in her childhood.
When she was 7 years old, she was taken to the city by her parents and lived with her parents.
has changed to a new environment. Because some students have a rustic stereotype of children in rural areas , Su Shiding was bullied by campus.
But at that time, no one could help her because her parents had a bad relationship and the couple had no time to take care of themselves.
When his parents were having a divorce, Su Shiding even witnessed the scene of his mother committing suicide. After the incident of
, the parents divorced.
Less than a month, the father brought back a woman with heavy makeup and a son who was 9 years older than Su Shiding.
This woman became Su Shiding's stepmother. My father gave her to his stepmother and ignored her at all.
stepmother condoned all the bad natures of her son, and even took Xiao Su Shiding to the bus to cover up his eyes and steal.
At that time, my father would often give Su Shiding 7.5 yuan as a week's breakfast, but 5 of them were often taken away by my stepmother.
7 years have passed by Su Shiding, a childhood full of embarrassment and fear.
Later, her biological mother came back, calling it for her daughter.
But afterwards, the parents took turns to complain to her about the other party’s fault and said that they hated the other party.
Su Shiding has been in such cold family violence for more than ten years.
Even so, when she grew up, she still hopes that she will not be influenced by her original family and become a better person.
So, she used all her strength to heal herself: "I don't want to be a bad person, I'm solving my problems until now."
has always been afraid of causing trouble for others, and she is wary of no matter how close people are.
This is also why Su Shiding is so restrained in his emotions. Because she has no backing and lacks a sense of security.
After the story was told, the reactions of the two men at the scene formed a sharp contrast.
One is Song Ningfeng with super empathy, and the other is her ex-husband Lu Ge.
Song Ningfeng reacted fiercely because he had substituted his daughter. After hearing this shocked story, he immediately broke down, so he hid back to the room on the pretext, cried bitterly and threw the pillow to vent his anger.
, but his ex-husband Lu Ge was extremely impatient. He was disgusted with Su Shiding telling this story, and even thought she was selling miserable.
"I feel like I've been cheated, and my heart is collapsed."
03
Lu Ge felt that he was cheated because he thought he had cured Su Shiding. The Su Shiding he knew looked in his twenties and was happy.
But Su Shiding understood that she looked like she was in her forties, without that kind of real happiness, and the harm caused by her original family was still there.
This is the point where Lu Ge collapsed. He thought love could heal everything. Su Shiding after being with him should be happy and perfect.
But in fact, she was not. Her unfortunate experience in childhood still put her under a lot of pressure.
So her self-portrait is so far from Lu Ge's description of her portrait.
Many people say that Lu Ge lacks empathy, but I think the problem with Lu Ge is not that he cannot empathize with , but that he cannot accept the imperfect of his partner.
Su Shiding said that Lu Ge knows all his stories.
I think when Lu Ge heard this story for the first time, he must have been shocked, so he wanted to use his love to heal and change her.
But the problem is that Su Shiding has not been changed. When Lu Ge found out that his lover was not what he imagined, he immediately collapsed.
So, after listening to Su Shiding's story for the second time, he acted disdainful and said helplessly: "Then why can't there be some changes in my place?"
"Just want to live a good life with you" has such an analogy:
Each of us has an ideal partner in our hearts. Men hope to marry a beautiful and gentle prince, and women hope to marry a handsome and rich prince.
When the aura of passionate love dissipated, it was found that the husband was not a prince, but a frog; the wife was not a princess, but a witch .
At this time, we tend to turn frogs into princes and witches into princesses, rather than changing our fantasies about princes and princesses in our hearts.
But such transformations ultimately hurt the relationship between the two parties, because all the transformations are telling the partner: "You are not good enough, I dislike you."
In an intimate relationship, being disliked is a very hurtful thing, so in the end, many marriages end up together.
Lu Ge's problem is that can only accept the side he likes, and cannot accept the fact that there is a shadow behind the light.
This is also the reason why their love can survive the first long-distance relationship, but they cannot survive the next long-distance relationship after the aura of passionate love disappears.
04
Psychologist Zhang Yijun mentioned a love 80/20 rule , that is, those unpleasant behaviors in emotional life, nearly 80% of them are derived from past life experience and 20% are related to current emotional relationships.
80% of this is affected by the original family.
Once saw a question on Zhihu: boyfriend scraped the cream of the birthday cake I bought for him, and asked me to eat the remaining cake blank. Should I be angry?
answerer Bai Yutang told her own story. She said that when she was with her husband, her husband would rob her every time she ate.
"For example, when I go to a restaurant to eat, he will pick up very quickly, and I will pick what he likes to eat. Often, after only one-third of my small bowl of rice, he put down his chopsticks, and the remaining dishes are also terrible.
order takeout after midnight snacks, and bought a large bowl of snail noodles , and asked him to eat it first. As a result, after I came out of the shower, I only had two bites of soup left."
Once, the answerer was angry by her husband's behavior, so he said with a serious and calm look on his face: "In the future, we have to buy two servings of everything we eat, and it's better to go to a restaurant. You have to order two dishes for the same dish, one dish, and one dish, because I can't grab you."
The husband realized that his behavior was very bad, and it was then that the answerer realized that the husband's behavior of robbing food originated from his past experience.
"Because this is how he eats at home, his brother has been used to moving the dishes he likes to him since he was a child. Sometimes he just dig half of the dishes into his own bowl.
His parents love his brother more and always say that his brother is growing up, so if he doesn't eat quickly, there will be no food." After the chat started, the husband felt embarrassed about the food he and the answerer scrambled. The answerer also understood that the husband did not do this maliciously, and he himself didn't even know it because this was the environment he grew up in.
Since then, my husband has been making changes very seriously. When did the answerer’s husband change? It starts with the answerer understanding him.
What hurts the most is not cheating or being a different place, but the word "understanding" is missing.
If a partner wants to correct the other party’s behavior, he should understand the experience of accompanying him for decades.
Otherwise, you are eager to change TA. If TA has not changed, you will start nagging and complaining.
When you do this, you are actually telling him: "I don't like you."
In this way, TA loses the energy to change. He will think, if you don’t like me, why should I change it?
so the logic must be reversed. first understands the other party, and then helps him change it.
Similarly, what Lu Ge wants to do is not to blindly act as Su Shiding's savior, but to first understand and accept Su Shiding's past.
After all, there is no perfect love in this world. Everyone ends up getting along with their partner’s shortcomings and embrace each other and move forward.
And once one of them feels understood, the change will come quietly.
