Keywords: Mom's nagging made me crash
Q: Hello teacher, I want to ask you about getting along with my mother.
Mother has a straightforward personality, simple ideas, and likes to nag. After I work, I find that I can't communicate with my mother more and more. Sometimes when I encounter some things, I want to get her comfort or help, but she just returns "oh" or doesn't.
But she would keep telling me what she thought was right and stress that she was for my good. If I don’t accept it, she would tell my partner or even her mother-in-law, and then tell them not to tell me that she said it.
I understand that my mother loves deeply and blames her very much, but things rise to my in-laws' house. I won't be annoyed because of love once or twice. If I have too many, I will definitely annoy her. I don't want outsiders to point fingers at my mother.
For example, my child is 1 year old now, and my mothers on both sides take turns to take me to take him. Recently, the cooling down, and I took my child out to play during the holidays. The child had a fever. I went to the hospital for testing. It was a viral cold , but it was not serious, and the fever subsided the next day.
But my mother suddenly panicked and said that it was because I didn’t wear shoes for my children at home, and only wore floor socks to catch a cold.
I explained to her: The doctor said it was viral, not wind and cold, and I bought slippers for the child as you said, but the express delivery would take 2 days, and then she stopped replying to my message.
The next day, I arrived at my house and said in front of my mother-in-law that the child was cold because he didn't wear shoes and caught a cold. This was not obvious that my mother-in-law and I didn't take good care of the child.
I was a little impatient and told her that I bought shoes for my child and it was here in 2 days. She couldn't listen at all and continued to scold me.
My mother-in-law saw that I cried and advised my mother, "Just say it once. Her mother is very careful and can take good care of the children."
It's obvious that my mother-in-law also felt that my mother was nagging. The irritability and other people's disgust towards her mother really made me collapse.
I told my mother not to say this in front of my mother-in-law. Seeing us quarrel makes people laugh, she replied to me what's wrong.
I was really worried and collapsed by nagging. I even did some extreme behaviors when venting my emotions. I knew this was wrong, but at that moment my body couldn't control it.
How should I adjust my mindset to deal with this kind of collapsed nagging?
Answer: The heroine was nagged to the point where she collapsed by her mother, and she even couldn't control herself and would do some extreme behaviors. We can understand the heroine's pain very well. The story of the heroine is also very typical. Many people are under the "female love". I will respond from the following three aspects.
1, erect a fence
The first thing the heroine needs to learn is to erect a fence between you and your mother.
That is, when you get along, you must set up a boundary, just like a fence is surrounded in the middle, you can see each other, but the other party will not break into your territory.
Specifically at the operational level is: express understanding and refuse without hostility.
No matter what your mother and you say, you will respond, and you tell her: "Mom, I can understand you..."
For example, when it comes to the child’s cold, tell her: "Mom, I can understand your love and worry for the baby. You can’t bear to let the baby go wrong. I have bought slippers for the child as you said."
Then refuse without hostility: "I am no longer a child. Please rest assured that I can take good care of the baby, and please don’t scold me like I scold the child again. I am very painful and anxious. If this continues, I will collapse."
If the mother still keeps talking, then you can use pause.
For example, if you say you go to the bathroom, you say you go outside to get the express delivery, find a reason to leave the scene, and suspend this exchange. This protects each other's emotions from expanding.
Wait until your emotions are calm and then express your understanding and refuse without hostility. At this time, you can express it more firmly and forcefully, and it is easier for your mother to listen to it.
2, activate dad's power.
In the female protagonist's question description, we did not see the female protagonist's father.
I don’t know if the heroine’s father is still there? If so, activate your father's power.
Let your dad accompany your mom more, such as accompanying your mom to relax, divert your mom's attention, and let your dad help you do your mom's ideological work.
I share the story of a colleague, hoping to inspire the heroine.
Once when my colleague returned to her hometown, her mother always wanted her to drink something.
Because her mother thought that thing was very good, my colleague said she would not drink it.
Her mother first asked her father to drink it, but her father said she would not drink it.
Then her mother came to persuade her to drink, insisting on her drinking. In the end, she became a little annoyed and started to criticize her mother.
Then her mother said to her father, "Look at your daughter is exactly the same as you, look at her expression and what she said..." she kept nagging.
My colleague was finally angry by her mother. After seeing this, her father kicked and drank all the things, and her mother shut up.
3, establish a new alliance.
Why is the heroine very repulsive to her mother? One of the important reasons is that she felt that her mother was embarrassed, especially in front of her mother-in-law.
There is a sense of distance between the heroine and her mother-in-law, and she treats her mother-in-law as an outsider.
is like what the heroine said, "But things rise to my in-laws' home. I won't be annoyed because of love once or twice. If I have too many, I will definitely annoy her. I don't want outsiders to point fingers at my mother."
In fact, in the description of the heroine, we feel that the heroine's mother-in-law supports and understands the heroine.
For example, when the heroine's mother scolds the heroine and cries, the mother-in-law will advise the heroine's mother to say, "Just say it once, her mother is very careful and will take good care of the children."
The heroine's interpretation of this is: "It's obvious that my mother also thinks that my mother can nag. The irritability and other people's attitude towards her mother are intertwined, which really makes me collapse."
But in this words, we saw the mother-in-law's support and understanding of the heroine.
women mainly see these support and understandings of their mother-in-law, and establish an alliance with their mother-in-law and husband, and treat their mother-in-law as their own person.
In this way, the heroine can not only get more support from her mother-in-law and husband, but she will no longer be so worried that her mother-in-law will dislike her mother.
In addition, the female main realizes that mother is mother, you are you.
There are three things in the world: God’s affairs, other people’s affairs, and one’s affairs.
We cannot control other people's affairs, what we can do is focus on our own affairs.
Instead of worrying that mother-in-law is disgusted with mother, it is better to focus more on your own business, such as doing your own role, wife role, mother role, and daughter-in-law role.
The heroine has done these roles well, and the mother-in-law will naturally support the heroine and respect the heroine's mother more.
The above three points are responses to this story. Here are both stories about the original family and stories about the new family.
The growth of each of us is a process of leaving our original family and living out of our true self. I wish everyone can live their true self.
Creative Team | Lengai Fang Shang Qianqian Ke Hui
Illustrations in this article, any website, newspaper, television station, company, organization or individual, shall not be used in part or in whole without authorization.
