article: Gao Chengyu
Son, I miss you, miss you in the morning, noon, afternoon, late at night...
Miss your cute face when you were young, your obedient and sensible in elementary school, your sunny and confident in high school, your independence when you were in college, and your pretending to be strong when you were about to be executed.
As a father, my life is really a failure. Child, can you feel my mood? May you come to my dream and tell each other about parting feelings.
At around 1:00 p.m. yesterday, I went to see you by the river where your ashes were thrown away. Although the sky is good, there are very few people there. Except for a few fishing people there, I am alone by the river looking into the distance.
Son, where I sat for a long time, I found a cluster of white wild chrysanthemums . I know this is your favorite flower. When I see things and think of people, I can't help but feel sad.
I sometimes muttered to myself, sometimes shed tears alone, and sometimes called silently to Jiang Xin. I felt like a neurotic person.
Son, when my father was in junior high school, his family was very poor and could only barely eat enough. At that time, I thought that life is really hard, but what I never thought was that when I was over fifty years old, there would be such a worldly pain that came to me.
What is the purpose of living in this life? The hard work and efforts over the past 20 or 30 years have ended up with endless sorrow and sadness.
Son, do you know? I sat by the river for nearly five hours and said a lot of thoughts to you. Son, I believe you must have heard it, because when I was whispering to you, some tides slowly poured in the direction of my sitting upright, and I believe you are among those waves.
Son, you have been away from me for more than four years. For some reason, I always feel that you are still in the world. Maybe one day, you will appear in front of me unexpectedly, still as handsome as you are, and still have such a sunny smile.
Son, in the days without you, I think everything is difficult, but for your mother, no matter how difficult it is, I will go head-on. My dad’s happiest day is when he dreams of you. I remember one time, you sat on the head of the bed with a smile, looking at me silently. That was your state and clothes when you were in your junior year. Then, the three of us gathered together to chat, but you never spoke.
However, after I woke up, I realized that it was all an illusory dream.
Son, at this moment, I was sitting there, holding my phone, tears and words pouring over like a tide. I tapped with my hands, and I seemed to feel like you were standing behind me and watching me write words. I didn't dare to turn my head, for fear of disturbing you.
Son, the days when I miss you are painful and happy. I can think of you, let my thoughts fly, and I can follow the trajectory of your growth, come to the fields of my hometown, the path of my hometown village, the campus where you study, the bedroom where you sleep, the detention center where you are detained, and the reception room where you finally see you...
As my thoughts walked, everything was gone, but when I returned to reality, it was heartbroken.
son, do you know? I don’t want to go back to the village in my hometown. The place that once nourished my soul has now become a sad place. Because, you were fine when you were in your hometown, but after I brought you to the city, I lost you. When I went back, I was afraid to see the traces of your growth, the strange eyes of my fellow villagers, and the sad face of your grandmother.
Hometown is the place of nostalgia and the source of longing. The past wind and clouds are light and the past mood of wanderers, but because of your lack, everything has become eclipsed. Really, now I am no longer excited to return home, and my strong homesickness has become indifferent.
Son, I believe that at some point, you will go away and be forgotten. I want you to be the sculpture in my dad’s heart, always standing in the softest part of my heart.
The sky is getting darker and darker. I am worried that your mother is anxious. Son, at 6:00 in the evening, I finally say goodbye to you. In the future, every day I miss you, I will come to the place where you finally leave us, and will approach the yearning again and again.
Reality is cruel, but memories give people warmth!
