Almost everyone has a beautiful/blue confidant.
You are like-minded and talk about everything, but you always have "more than friendship, but not full of lovers".
If one day, because of an accident, you have a relationship. Can this friendship continue?
"I regretted it after having sex with my good friend"
A few days ago, my old classmate and good friend Linda confides me about a worries.
Linda has a close friend of the opposite sex, and is also our common classmate: Xiaofeng.
Both of them are anime fans. Since they met in high school, they have endless topics to talk about.
Enter and exit at school, and watch comic exhibitions together, buy peripherals, watch movies together in spare time...
Linda is not good at math, so Xiaofeng helps her to tutor her. Xiaofeng is not in good health, and Linda takes care of her considerately...
Drink a bottle of water and eat a bowl of noodles, regardless of you and me.
At that time, there were rumors in the class that the two were already together, and even the teacher had talked to them.
But only they and I know that the two are really just friends. No matter how close it is, it does not cross the red line.
I once suspected two people, and I asked Linda:
"Is it really impossible for you and Xiaofeng?"
Linda said firmly:
"It's impossible, we are just good brothers!"
After graduation, the two of them fell in love, but they have always kept in touch and helped each other.
But a few days ago, this enviable friendship underwent a qualitative change.
Linda found that her boyfriend, who had been talking to for three years, cheated on him, and immediately decided to break up.
In sadness, Xiaofeng was found to confide in, and the two drank until late at night.
Taking advantage of the alcohol, the two of them had sex.
woke up the next day, and Xiao Feng expressed his love happily:
"I... I always like you, let's be together!"
Linda had a headache and felt very regretful about the night:
"I'm sorry, I just broke up with a heartbreak..."
After that, the two separated awkwardly, and there was no contact for a few days.
Linda cried and asked me:
"Is it really impossible to go back to the past? Did you just lose him like this?"
I intercepted a Zhihu user's answer to her:
Yes, I can't go back. What you have done in
will always remain in memory and cannot be erased.
is like a piece of ripped paper, which can never be restored to its former appearance.
Linda himself can't stand the blame for this situation.
enjoys the stimulation and intimacy beyond friendship, but does not want to take responsibility between lovers.
If you barely get along as a friend again, this is an unfair consumption for the party who is in love.
I said to Linda:
"It's better to let him go, let yourself go!"
The so-called red and blue confidant is just love but not
There is a saying that is right:
If you think there is pure friendship between men and women, then you must be the one you are loved.
Just like Linda and Xiaofeng, Linda has always regarded Xiaofeng as good brothers.
explains the other party's consideration, care and care for her with friendship.
But Xiaofeng's silent efforts have never been because of friendship, but hopes to go further.
is just this expectation, which was hidden deep by him until he had a relationship, and it had never been stated. After being pointed out, it is impossible to restore the averaging relationship of
.
So is Linda a scumbag girl who pretends to be confused with her understanding?
is not, in fact, she didn't mean to hang Xiaofeng on purpose.
Psychological research shows that 70% of men have expectations for further development of confidantes.
But most women do not want to upgrade to lovers with male friends.
They firmly believe in a friendship: "I took off all my clothes and stood in front of him, and he would not have any ideas."
There is no difference between good and bad, but from a rational and scientific perspective:
Women pay more attention to spiritual communication, while men pay more attention to sex.
In the Thai movie "Friendship Above", the male and female protagonists are very similar to Linda and Xiaofeng.
Two people are intimate, like good brothers, accompanying and supporting each other.
Even after graduation, the heroine will leave everything behind and take a cross-border flight to find her.
The reason why this friendship lasted for 10 years is actually because of the hero's love.
After he was afraid that after confessing his love, he even lost his qualifications to accompany the heroine, so he repeatedly retreated to the security line of friendship.
Unfortunately, the heroine completely disheartened the hero with a sentence "I am not with you because I don't want to lose you."
The male protagonist finally understood that his waiting was just a backup tire obsession:
"That is to say, no matter how long we wait, we will not have a good ending."
This also reveals the truth about friendship between men and women:
"Above friendship, lovers are not full" feelings are actually a unrequited relationship, and it is impossible to maintain it forever.
The ending will either become a close lover or be strangers, each with wonderful excitement.
Love and friendship are clearly bounded, please keep a distance
Some people say that love is a kind of friendship, and there is no need to be too clear.
I think otherwise, love and friendship actually have clear boundaries.
The famous American scholar Sten Borg proposed three elements of love:
Passion (sexual attraction, sexual drive), intimacy (psychological connection, attachment), commitment (participation, planning life). For friendship, only intimacy and commitment are common, but also different.
If you appreciate and attach to a opposite sex, this can be friendship.
But if you feel blushing when you get close to him, want to get close to him, touch him, or even have sexual fantasies about him, then you go beyond the boundaries of friendship.
From the perspective of commitment, the promise of love is exclusive, while the promise of friendship is broad.
If you are very close to the opposite sex and each has many friends who are equally close, it belongs to friendship.
But if you are jealous of other friends of the opposite sex around you and want to monopolize him, then you have reached the scope of love. Although the boundaries are clear, there is naturally a mutual attraction between men and women, and the "passion" factor may burst out at any time.
Can you only be a nodding friend and can’t be friends?
is not absolute either.
is like the topic that cannot be met: "Do you mind your partner has friends with the opposite sex?"
The answer to this question actually depends on how well the two get along.
If friends of the opposite sex maintain an appropriate distance, there will be no excessive intimate actions or remarks.
can be accepted by most partners.
On the contrary, after some people have partners, they still chat with friends of the opposite sex every day, go out alone to date, even put their arms around, hold hands and waist...
These practices of testing on the boundaries of friendship, no matter who takes the initiative, are serious challenges to the uniqueness of love.
At the very least, it hurts the partner's feelings, and at the worst, it will cause love and friendship to be broken.
After all, keeping a distance is the most basic principle of getting along with each other.
I hope each of us can recognize the boundaries between love and friendship.
When you find that you are moved, rationally analyze whether the two people are suitable.
express your thoughts as soon as possible to avoid the waste of "spare tire".
When you passively fall into a relationship that is neither up nor down, you will break and make your attitude clear.
Do not be greedy for vain, indecisive, or hesitant.
Don’t give the other party hope when it is impossible.
Of course, whether you are the one who is attracted to you or the one who wants to keep it the same.
The most important point is: Be sure to avoid the food and grass before moving, and the troops will go first.
Don’t act super friendly when both parties are still friends. "out of bounds" behavior like
is impulsive and irresponsible, and it does more harm than good for both parties.
Remember one sentence: "A companion is the lover, and a friend is just a guest."
Only by abiding by the boundaries of friendship can friendship last forever.
