Keywords: Worrying that divorce will end up alone, obsessed with maintaining marriage
This question comes from "Mission Psychology Online Course"
Q: My current problem is divided into two aspects:
Outline problem, I don't understand my husband, we both can't get along with each other.
I can't understand him, I can't understand what he really wants, and his expression is very inconsistent with me.
Although I am very dedicated to dealing with this relationship, I found that I do not have this ability, I cannot open this lock, and my ability to understand is very poor. The inner problem of
is that I am obsessed with maintaining a marriage relationship.
If a marriage relationship breaks down, it will be a denial of my ability for me, which will hit me very hard and will make me very scared.
Maybe it's because I lack love in my heart and feel that the relationship will be broken and I will be anxious all day long.
Moreover, I also have big problems with my self-acceptance.
If I use my current conditions and my current ability to deal with emotional problems, I think I will not be happy after divorce and may be single until old.
My husband felt very wronged in this relationship because our relationship is only superficial.
Although it seems that we are living, eating and living together, he does not get what he wants inside.
such as maternal face and female face.
I know very well that I don’t have it because I have done some personal growth myself, as well as internal analysis and consultation.
On the one hand, I know that I don’t have it, and on the other hand, I want to deceive myself, that this should be possible.
Although my husband cannot clearly state what the problem is, this is what he actually expressed.
I am now afraid that this relationship will break down, but even if I kneel down to save the relationship, it still cannot solve the real problem.
In addition, we have a boy who just turned 6 years old and the child is in good condition and very cheerful.
I am an anxious person. Before the child was born, I was very anxious and I was anxious about all kinds of things.
For this reason, before the child was born, I read a lot of books on how to educate my children.
I have too many attachment emotions in my children because I cannot get it in close relationships, so I put the attachment I realize on my children.
My relationship with my child is quite good. I can’t get along with myself now. I want to leave, but I don’t allow others to leave, but I can’t control them to leave.
I want to ask, how can I let myself go?
Sometimes, I think that life may have more than one choice, and now this relationship is my only one.
Answer: When the heroine was telling her story, I saw someone ask a question on the public screen of the online class:
"Teacher, didn't you say to clean up negative beliefs? But why did you tell the heroine in the previous case not to leave easily? Is it impossible to find a better one if you leave?"
" Why do you advise others when you want to leave when you want to leave? Don’t leave, because you can’t find a better one in the future? ”
is not like this. For example, in this case, I will say to the heroine: “If you want to leave, the so-called breakdown of the relationship is not a problem for you.
Everyone has a different state.
Usually, we think it is more appropriate for the party to stay in a relationship, because there are some obvious issues in the party, which need to be repaired immediately.
Whether you want to leave this relationship or not, you have to repair it.
Because it does not mean that divorce, the problem can be solved.
Just like if a person can't swim, he still can't swim even if he changes to a swimming pool.
What is negative belief?
This is a bug framework or cage created by yourself.
What is objective?
For example, the problem of probability is an objective problem.
In addition, I will give you a keyword - projection.
Through the on-site communication of [Mission Psychology Online Course], I found that when I respond to a case problem, many people will project on themselves, and then ask:
"Why do people advise me when I leave a relationship, and say I can't find a better one in the future?"
This is a typical projection.
Next, I will divide it into four parts to respond to the heroine's question:
first, Lenovo .
I rarely guarantee anything, but I can now give the heroine a guarantee - even if the heroine leaves this relationship, she can still live a good life.
Because I have seen the heroine in our offline get out of class on "Wealth Creation Journey", her status is completely different from what we see in online classes now.
In the real world, she is a very tall, thin and elegant person.
I am not worried at all whether the heroine can find a new relationship, because I have confidence in her, she has energy and a good state and temperament, but now she is stuck at a certain point.
Of course, I don’t say that the heroine should or should not divorce.
I just want to tell the heroine one thing:
"I can guarantee that even if you leave this relationship, you will not live alone. There will be many people who want to be with you.
In this world, there are too many boys who are greedy for beauty, like you The situation is not a big problem.
Moreover, you have a son that is so cute and very good as you said.
So many people without children don’t live alone, let alone you have a child.”
Second, self-attack.
When the heroine made a statement, she said, "He wants this thing so much, and I want to give it to him, but I can't give it to something I don't have." This is a typical self-attack.
Just imagine, is it possible for us to give something that we don’t have?
is impossible. It’s like a person who has no money can do charity. He has no money himself, so how can he give it to others?
So, women mainly understand one thing: no one can give something that they have never had. No matter whether the other party wants this thing or not, don’t condemn yourself.
What we need to do is not to respond to the other party’s needs, but to see our own needs first.
3, space.
There is a space between thoughts, emotions and our automated reactions, and this space is called "intermediate".
It is worth noting that the heroine's "interference" changed after leaving our field.
I remember when I met the heroine offline, her "room" was a little wide open.
Although I don’t know what happened to the heroine this year, it can be seen that her "interval" has become smaller.
Her thoughts, emotions and automated reactions are very closely connected, and anything can immediately cause an automated reaction.
For example, when I say she is very elegant, she will immediately have an automated reaction "No, I think I am bored";
When discussing her self-attack, she will say "Yes, I will attack myself, what's going on all day."
The heroine is particularly good at letting herself enter thoughts and emotions.
To make the character three-dimensional, we refined a conversation:
heroine: Because I was hit, my husband hasn't been home for a week. He neither answered my phone nor replied to my WeChat.
Lengai : Understand, is this your business or his business?
heroine: His affairs, but I was crazy, and I had no choice.
Leng Ai: What I asked is: Is it your business, his business or God’s business if he doesn’t go home? Is it because the epidemic has been prevented and controlled by him that he cannot return, or does he not want to return?
Historical protagonist: He borrowed an excuse and went back to my house during the Mid-Autumn Festival. He usually talked to me and shouted. As a result, my brother couldn't bear to watch it and choked him, "Can you speak well, what are you calling?"
He felt he was losing face because he ignored me.
Later, I tried to communicate with him with a few words in a text message. He said on the text message that the matter was just a fuse, probably the meaning was that he was unhappy in his marriage and could not get what he wanted. He said he had wanted to divorce for a long time.
Leng Ai: Have you noticed that almost everything you have now is in an automated reaction?
heroine: I have regressed, I realized it myself.
Leng Love: pair, you have regressed. Compared with your state last year, your state has regressed a lot and your energy has been much lower.
Last year, I felt that your energy status was very high and your spirit was very high. I wanted to create new glory, but now I feel that I can't maintain it anymore.
Hater: I am now low and have been depressing my heart, because I think my heart is too high, so I have so much trouble of not seeking but not getting it.
Based on this conversation, the heroine still needs to re-examine the parts I presented today. If I can really listen to it, I believe life will change a lot.
So, how to expand this "interference" between thoughts, emotions and our automated reactions?
In daily life, continuous meditation and emotional recording are a good way.
It is also a good way to participate in high-energy fields like our online courses.
4th, emotion.
From the above content, I can feel that the heroine is in great mood now.
For example, grievance: "I have worked so hard, why did this matter mess up? I actually worked hard and learned a lot of things, but I even messed up."
In addition, I also saw a little anger: "What you taught is no longer useful, and I didn't hold my husband down."
In a state of grievance and anger, I can't listen to anything else.
That is to say, it is difficult for the heroine to receive all of our things.
But this series of emotions needs to be seen and processed.
The heroine works very hard, just like a drowning person is thrusting desperately, trying to save something.
But the matter of "Sir won't go home for a week" exceeded her acceptance and expectations.
reality gave her a big impact, and she had not recovered yet.
In this case, the woman mainly breathes more slowly.
Because the brain is full of grievance and anger, all the emotions are stirred up, but the body is empty.
Adjusting yourself is the homework that the heroine has to do now.
Don’t try to think about how to try to catch the other person and how to prevent the other person from leaving. The direction we really strive for should be:
How to relax yourself, how to make yourself more calm and have your own kernel.
Come on!
Creative Team | Leng Ai Fangshang Qianxi
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