"Those who love you will pick the stars in the sky to you."
Dear, have you ever had such sweet fantasies about love?
Always expect his love to bring you warmth and strength, and always long for his heart to be placed only on you.
But you don’t know why. In the depth of love, in the back and forth game with him, you seem to gradually lose your original intention and make the relationship worse and worse.
Recently, there is a topic of tens of millions of clicks on the Zhihu hot list. There are countless people resonating in the comments. Men and women all express their feelings:
- "What else can you do? If your wife doesn't spoil you, you can only leave it to others for spoiling!"
- "Actually, we women like to do it, and what we want is just favoritism. You men will be fine if you coax it a little." Actually, we women like to do it, and what we want is just preference. You men will be fine if they coax it a little."
- "I say fairly, any relationship cannot stand the temptation. This time one party admits to the challenge, and the other party will only be more excessive next time. If you are trying to touch the edge of the bottom line every day, it is stimulation if the other party accepts it, and it is tired if the other party does not accept it."
- ......
It turns out that there was a girl angry to break up to test her relationship. Her original intention was just to let the other party prove "He loves me" .. The inner needs are not met.As a result, it touched the bottom line of her boyfriend, which led to the reconciliation of the two, but the boyfriend always had a hurdle in his heart, and his relationship on weekdays was quite stiff.
is mainly my reason. I am always angry, it is a cumulative explosion. I even asked for a breakup after an impulse. It was the second time, and he minded breaking up.
is also very cold to me now, but I feel that I can cross over and don’t know how to restore the relationship.
Many times it is obvious that it is just to make the other party feel soft and make the relationship closer, but why does it backfire and make the relationship become more and more rigid?
Desire to be favored is the nature of a woman
"I feel like he still doesn't love me enough."
Visitor Xiao A cried and said,
I originally agreed with my husband that he would definitely buy a house this year, so we have been looking for a suitable house.
Previously, I had a good idea of a set in the suburbs. Last month, I negotiated the price with the developer and gave a deposit. But when I was preparing for the money to pay the down payment, my mother-in-law suddenly became critically ill and was hospitalized. In desperation, my husband returned the deposit for the house and said that he could not take out the money to buy a house now, and he should keep it for her to see a doctor first.
I have rented a house with him for more than ten years. I really feel that it is a hope I finally saw. I have seen that house for a long time and I really like it, so I said to him in anger: If I don’t buy a house, I can get a divorce!
Although he did not agree to the divorce, he seemed to have planted a knot in his heart, and he was always lukewarm with me.
Xiao A lowered her head, and she felt wronged. She said that she remembered that she had paid so much in the years after marrying him. If he really loved her, she should satisfy her wish to buy a house.
She even wondered. She had been angry with a divorce several times before, and her husband would immediately give in, but why didn't it work this time?
"I don't really want to divorce him, but I can't stand him treating me like this..."
Xiao A said that she also knew that her mother-in-law would cost money to be hospitalized, but she had worked hard to see a house in the past few months, and The desire to look forward to a new house was also disappointed, and she couldn't accept at once.
"He doesn't love me at all. His mother-in-law is more important than me, money is more important than me, everything is more important than me!..." Xiao A cried and said what he said in his heart.
In fact, it is a woman's nature to desire to be favored.
Xiao A was wronged and sad because she accepted the fact that she could not buy a house at the moment. She wanted to release her true emotions to her husband. As a result, her husband not only didn't want to pay attention to her, but also despised her for being "working". Of course, the conflict escalated.
And behind every woman who looks very "working" is actually the desire for love.
The feeling is like a cat. When I am hungry, tired, or annoyed, I hope someone will come and hug or even kiss you.
But the reality is that men are mostly lazy and stupid, and they cannot feel the needs of women at once.
A woman who fails to get what she wants will inevitably lose control of her emotions, and even "do" them all to test his bottom line, and eventually hurtful words such as "breakup" and "divorce".
Because when the demand is not met, the missing parts will come out to make trouble, and our negative emotions will rise in such an out-of-control state
Emotions are out of control and lose awareness, it is easy to "take risks".
Behind the "desire" of love is the lack that needs to be seen
After further chatting with Xiao A, I realized that the reason why she wanted to test her husband was because she felt extremely insecure in her heart.
It turns out that her parents have been favoring boys over girls since childhood, and always put their thoughts on their younger brother, and rarely pay attention to and care about her.
So Xiao A actually lacked the love and warmth given by her parents since she was a child, and she has not been healed in her heart, so she keeps looking for love and security in her partner.
What she wants is not only a house, but also the unreserved love her husband has for her.
Many of us women are the same as Xiao A: It is just because of the lack of love and security in our hearts that we yearn for our partners to supplement our love.
When the demand is not met, anxiety and fear will arise, which will be presented in an unreasonable way of making trouble.
So, whenever we can't help but test our partner, you might as well ask ourselves:
- What am I afraid of? What are you looking forward to? What is
- escaping?
If we can take care of our true needs in our hearts, we will be more comfortable in the relationship and do not need to use "act" to please men.
. Fear of being abandoned."Does he not love me anymore?" This is a sentence that often comes to many women's hearts.
is sensitive in relationships. I always feel that the other person doesn’t love enough. I am afraid that he will betray himself, so I will complain and make trouble unconsciously.
This is actually a projection of a woman's lack of sense of security. She is not confident enough in the relationship and is too afraid of being abandoned. Only by "working" can she attract more attention and love from her partner to relieve panic and uneasiness deep in her heart.
Women who lack love and sense of security all have a hurt child in their hearts and need to be comforted, cared for and taken care of.
This feeling of hunger for intimacy is also related to the fact that women did not fully satisfy their attachment relationship with their mother in their early years. When they were not satisfied with their partner, they induce unhealed trauma in their hearts.
So, when women can't help crying unscrupulously like babies, not complaining or putting pressure, what they really want in their hearts is that is a sense of happiness in which wishes are satisfied .
. Defend inner anxiety.
The more you love a woman will have expectations for intimate relationships. "Those who love you will pick the stars in the sky to you." Dear, have you ever had such sweet fantasies about love? Always expect his love to bring you warmth and strength, and always long for his heart to be placed only on you. But you don’t know why. In the depth of love, in the back and forth game with him, you seem to gradually lose your original intention and make the relationship worse and worse. Recently, there is a topic of tens of millions of clicks on the Zhihu hot list. There are countless people resonating in the comments. Men and women all express their feelings:
- "What else can you do? If your wife doesn't spoil you, you can only leave it to others for spoiling!"
- "Actually, we women like to do it, and what we want is just favoritism. You men will be fine if you coax it a little." Actually, we women like to do it, and what we want is just preference. You men will be fine if they coax it a little."
- "I say fairly, any relationship cannot stand the temptation. This time one party admits to the challenge, and the other party will only be more excessive next time. If you are trying to touch the edge of the bottom line every day, it is stimulation if the other party accepts it, and it is tired if the other party does not accept it."
- ......
It turns out that there was a girl angry to break up to test her relationship. Her original intention was just to let the other party prove "He loves me" .. The inner needs are not met.As a result, it touched the bottom line of her boyfriend, which led to the reconciliation of the two, but the boyfriend always had a hurdle in his heart, and his relationship on weekdays was quite stiff.
is mainly my reason. I am always angry, it is a cumulative explosion. I even asked for a breakup after an impulse. It was the second time, and he minded breaking up.
is also very cold to me now, but I feel that I can cross over and don’t know how to restore the relationship.
Many times it is obvious that it is just to make the other party feel soft and make the relationship closer, but why does it backfire and make the relationship become more and more rigid?
Desire to be favored is the nature of a woman
"I feel like he still doesn't love me enough."
Visitor Xiao A cried and said,
I originally agreed with my husband that he would definitely buy a house this year, so we have been looking for a suitable house.
Previously, I had a good idea of a set in the suburbs. Last month, I negotiated the price with the developer and gave a deposit. But when I was preparing for the money to pay the down payment, my mother-in-law suddenly became critically ill and was hospitalized. In desperation, my husband returned the deposit for the house and said that he could not take out the money to buy a house now, and he should keep it for her to see a doctor first.
I have rented a house with him for more than ten years. I really feel that it is a hope I finally saw. I have seen that house for a long time and I really like it, so I said to him in anger: If I don’t buy a house, I can get a divorce!
Although he did not agree to the divorce, he seemed to have planted a knot in his heart, and he was always lukewarm with me.
Xiao A lowered her head, and she felt wronged. She said that she remembered that she had paid so much in the years after marrying him. If he really loved her, she should satisfy her wish to buy a house.
She even wondered. She had been angry with a divorce several times before, and her husband would immediately give in, but why didn't it work this time?
"I don't really want to divorce him, but I can't stand him treating me like this..."
Xiao A said that she also knew that her mother-in-law would cost money to be hospitalized, but she had worked hard to see a house in the past few months, and The desire to look forward to a new house was also disappointed, and she couldn't accept at once.
"He doesn't love me at all. His mother-in-law is more important than me, money is more important than me, everything is more important than me!..." Xiao A cried and said what he said in his heart.
In fact, it is a woman's nature to desire to be favored.
Xiao A was wronged and sad because she accepted the fact that she could not buy a house at the moment. She wanted to release her true emotions to her husband. As a result, her husband not only didn't want to pay attention to her, but also despised her for being "working". Of course, the conflict escalated.
And behind every woman who looks very "working" is actually the desire for love.
The feeling is like a cat. When I am hungry, tired, or annoyed, I hope someone will come and hug or even kiss you.
But the reality is that men are mostly lazy and stupid, and they cannot feel the needs of women at once.
A woman who fails to get what she wants will inevitably lose control of her emotions, and even "do" them all to test his bottom line, and eventually hurtful words such as "breakup" and "divorce".
Because when the demand is not met, the missing parts will come out to make trouble, and our negative emotions will rise in such an out-of-control state
Emotions are out of control and lose awareness, it is easy to "take risks".
Behind the "desire" of love is the lack that needs to be seen
After further chatting with Xiao A, I realized that the reason why she wanted to test her husband was because she felt extremely insecure in her heart.
It turns out that her parents have been favoring boys over girls since childhood, and always put their thoughts on their younger brother, and rarely pay attention to and care about her.
So Xiao A actually lacked the love and warmth given by her parents since she was a child, and she has not been healed in her heart, so she keeps looking for love and security in her partner.
What she wants is not only a house, but also the unreserved love her husband has for her.
Many of us women are the same as Xiao A: It is just because of the lack of love and security in our hearts that we yearn for our partners to supplement our love.
When the demand is not met, anxiety and fear will arise, which will be presented in an unreasonable way of making trouble.
So, whenever we can't help but test our partner, you might as well ask ourselves:
- What am I afraid of? What are you looking forward to? What is
- escaping?
If we can take care of our true needs in our hearts, we will be more comfortable in the relationship and do not need to use "act" to please men.
. Fear of being abandoned."Does he not love me anymore?" This is a sentence that often comes to many women's hearts.
is sensitive in relationships. I always feel that the other person doesn’t love enough. I am afraid that he will betray himself, so I will complain and make trouble unconsciously.
This is actually a projection of a woman's lack of sense of security. She is not confident enough in the relationship and is too afraid of being abandoned. Only by "working" can she attract more attention and love from her partner to relieve panic and uneasiness deep in her heart.
Women who lack love and sense of security all have a hurt child in their hearts and need to be comforted, cared for and taken care of.
This feeling of hunger for intimacy is also related to the fact that women did not fully satisfy their attachment relationship with their mother in their early years. When they were not satisfied with their partner, they induce unhealed trauma in their hearts.
So, when women can't help crying unscrupulously like babies, not complaining or putting pressure, what they really want in their hearts is that is a sense of happiness in which wishes are satisfied .
. Defend inner anxiety.
The more you love a woman will have expectations for intimate relationships.
If the other party's performance deviates from the direction she expects, she will inevitably feel anxious. In order to defend against this anxiety about the relationship, her subconscious mind often pushes herself to do something that looks incredible.
For example, because the other party loses his temper for no reason, or makes a harsh statement when a quarrel:
- "We are not suitable, break up!"
- "Anyway, you don't love me very much, we divorce Right! "
- "I don't have to do it either. If you don't love me, I don't care about you either. Goodbye!"
On the surface, they are unreasonable and want to leave this relationship, but in fact what they want to escape is nothing more than their inner anxiety and pain.
Because once the demand is not met, people will constantly test in the relationship, explore love, and fall into the circular mode of "work".
How to find love that satisfies yourself in the "work" mode?
So, does "action" in love mean completely undesirable?
is not all.
If you grasp the degree and method of "work", sometimes it will enhance your feelings.
. If you want to love the more you "do" your feelings, the more you love, the first thing you need to learn - positive communication .
For example, my husband often travels on business and rarely comes home. If you blame and blame him: "Do you still have me and children in your heart? Do you regard your home as a hotel? Forget it by yourself!"
He felt that he was not understood by you, nor could he understand your true needs in his heart, but he was more resistant to being close to you.
But in another way, he said to him: "Dear, I also know that it is very hard for you to make money outside this family, but my children and I also need your company. Can you go home to accompany us more?"
so that he can feel that you are understood, and clearly know your needs, and it is easier to adjust himself to meet your expectations.
But if you want your relationship to be intimate for a long time, then what you need to learn more is - Find love from yourself.
When you learn to be aware of your anxiety, travel through your fears, know how to take back your love and expectations and put them on yourself, no matter what you do, you will easily gain love.
Just like Zhang Defen Teacher has always said: We must love ourselves, not place happiness on others, but learn to find happiness in ourselves.
Regarding this, the most prestigious psychotherapy expert in the United States, Louise Hai has shared 12 small ways to love yourself:
. Stop criticizing yourself. Learn to forgive yourself
. Don’t scare yourself
. Be gentle and patient with yourself
. Treat your mind kindly
. Praise yourself
. Support yourself
. Hold love for your negative self
. Take good care of your body
0. Have fun1. Start loving yourself now2. Practice your mirrorIn fact, there are many kinds of love in the world, and there are thousands of romantic ways. Before we embrace love, we should all learn to embrace ourselves.
Because love for yourself is the beginning of a lifetime of romance.
Reference
[1] "I touched my boyfriend's bottom line. Although I got reconciled, my boyfriend's heart still couldn't get over the obstacles. What should I do if my relationship is stiff? 》Zhihu
[2] "Non-violent Communication" Marshall Luxembourg
*This article was originally written by Odaika & Zhang Defen Space Main Writing Group. If you need to reprint, please contact authorization.
planning | Zhang Defen Space Main Writing Group
edit | Huahua
planning | Zhang Defen Space Main Writing Group
edit | Huahua
