What is the essence of love?
is actually a relationship established between strangers through various means.
From a psychological point of view, this kind of romantic relationship is called "emotional connection".
Since the relationship is connected, you must learn to manage it if you maintain the relationship.
Many times, managing feelings is more important than love itself; just as understanding you is more important than loving you, understanding is more important than echoing.
No matter how much you love someone, you must understand the unspoken rules in love.
-01
First learn to love yourself, then love the other person
A child will never learn how to love the other person because he himself has not learned to love himself.
Mature love is: I love you, so I need you.
Immature love is: I need you, so I love you.
The former is the sublimation of love, and you are willing to make both of you better people with your own efforts.
The latter is to satisfy desires. As long as the other party can bring value to himself, I will love him; if he cannot provide me with value, I will stop loving him.
First learn to love yourself in order to understand how to love each other.
For example:
When a person is single, he will not learn to take care of himself.
can't cook, do laundry, do housework, and don't even have the ability to be financially independent.
He relied on his parents and could only live with the help of his parents;
He lived with his parents, and people in his 20s also asked his mother to help him wash clothes;
He encountered difficulties, and did not have the ability to face problems, nor did he have the courage to admit his mistakes, and he would only ask his family to help him wipe his butt. People like
are "losers" even in love.
He is childish, immature, and he is also a "giant baby" in his relationship.
You said that just such a person who doesn’t love himself, how could he learn to love others?
Love is not just about saying something, it is about taking out your posture and showing your actions.
-02
Maintaining love is inseparable from "two-way giving"
Any relationship requires contact.
In social interaction, interaction is human relationship; over and over again, the friendship between the two deepens.
In love, interaction is a means; if your lover gives you, you should also give you timely feedback.
If he doesn't come, you don't go, and the relationship will fade over time.
Real love requires two people to "work together".
is like two people climbing stairs with heavy objects.
The people in front have relatively light weight when climbing the stairs; the people in the back have a higher weight when climbing the stairs.
This requires two people to constantly coordinate and the people in front need to invest more efforts in order to maintain balance.
Once the person in front stops giving, all the weight will be on the person behind.
Isn’t love exactly like this?
It is obviously the love between two people, why does it only cost one person?
Even if you love the other person no matter how much you give, the other person will not give you any response; over time, you will be discouraged.
Good love must be two-way giving and two-way rushing.
"I miss you, but I won't tell you actively; because I know that only when you miss me too, our meeting is meaningful."
How to make two-way contributions?
For example:
The other party gave you a bouquet of flowers, prepared a surprise for you, and bought you the cosmetics you were thinking about;
Then you can give the other party a piece of clothing and a watch.
gives the other party the right gift within the scope of his ability.
doesn’t need to be very expensive, but you must let the other person feel your care and love.
The means of managing love rely not only on communication, but also on contact.
-03
It is not scary to have conflicts, but don’t have a cold war
There is a saying on the Internet:
"After getting married for a long time, there are countless thoughts of strangling each other every day."
In fact, there should be another second sentence:
"But after every quarrel, I will buy the other party's favorite fruit when I go out."
is normal to have a quarrel, and it is normal to have conflicts.
For so long, how can two people not quarrel when they are together?
You must understand:
Quarrels can bring benefits to relationships, but not dealing with them well will make relationships worse and worse.
What benefits can quarrel bring to relationships?
Responsive quarrels can make each other vent negative emotions and vent past unhappiness through quarrels.
After the quarrel, the relationship has calmed down again.
What kind of quarrel will destroy feelings?
First: If you don’t solve the problem after a quarrel, you will always have cold wars
cold treatment will definitely bring great harm to your relationship.
If you have conflicts every time you have conflicts, you are unwilling to sit down and communicate with each other; over time, you will get tired of this relationship.
Communication is very important. When two people's emotions stabilize, they must communicate in time.
Second: Every time you quarrel, it rises to personality attack
Remember, the principle of quarrel is "just talk about the matter".
only focuses on the problem itself and never brings up old accounts;
only discusses how to resolve conflicts and will not rise to personality attacks.
"You are too stupid", this is a personality attack.
"You did something wrong" is the solution to the problem.
-04
Love is changing, and we need to have a common belief
Wang Kar-wai 's movie says that everything has a shelf life, even love.
Love is constantly changing. When the speed of secretion of dopamine decreases, love enters a process of decline.
Most people’s love shelf life often lasts for 180 days.
If this limit exceeds this limit, the relationship between the two people will enter a dull period.
The stages that couples need to go through are:
Familiarity stage, love stage, passionate love stage, dull period, conflict period, and stable period.
When the relationship enters a dull and contradictory period, how to manage the relationship?
At this time, two people need to have "common beliefs" to support love.
For example:
Next target, two people are preparing to get married;
save money together and strive to buy a house in a few years;
work hard and strive to buy a car soon.
These are small goals in love. When the hearts of two people are twisted together and work towards one goal; at this time, they will have more and more tacit understanding between each other.
Good love is mutual achievement and joint efforts.
When you realize that love is gradually going downhill, then let your life be "more hopeful".
Love is like the relationship between people and flowers.
If you love a flower, you will fertilize and water the flower, let it grow up, and make it look better and better under your care.
If you like a flower, you will not consider the future of the flower, you will only pick the flower and appreciate its current value.
Today’s topic:
What other principles do you think should you understand in love?
(Article pictures are from the Internet)
