Original illustration: Meow Meow Xia, narrated: Anonymous, female
01
That was July 12, 2018, midsummer.
I went to find Beidou's mother after get off work.
I put down all my self-esteem and asked her to accept me. I said I would learn cooking skills from her. I would take her on a trip with Beidou every year. I would have a lovely child or two, so that she could enjoy her grandchildren...
But what awaited me was her mockery: "I knew that I didn't like you, but I had to hang myself up. If you left my son early, he would be so tired like now. Is it so painful? "
The most hurtful thing about
is the following words: "I asked Beidou, nothing has happened between you. You don't think about it. You have been together for so many years. If he really loves you and really wants to be with you forever, can a man with strong spirits bear it?"
never knew that a mother could be so vicious for her deformed possessiveness.
Even the most precious part of the secret between me and Beidou became her weapon to attack me.
Eight years have met and fell in love, and we have had countless opportunities to steal forbidden fruits, but even at the most dry fire, Beidou will stop ourselves.
He told me one thing: When I was a child, he always liked to pick out the meat and put it aside when eating.
Over time, the teacher thought he didn't eat meat, so he grabbed the meat to other children.
In fact, this is what he is. The more he likes, the more he wants to keep it for the end.
I didn’t expect that this story will also become a metaphor for our feelings.
The deeper you love, the more fragile and fleeting it is.
02
That day, Beidou's mother gave me a special way of expelling guests.
She picked up the phone and told Beidou that I came to find her and said rudely. She felt very uncomfortable now and could faint anytime and anywhere.
I said to her, "Stop acting, I'll go."
At that moment, I had a premonition of the ending with Beidou.
So, with the last despair, I asked Beidou's mother: "What kind of wife do you want Beidou to marry? Or do you selfishly hope that he will never get married in this life?"
She looked at me and said with a clear idea: "As long as it is not you, he will marry anyone."
Her tone made me in midsummer cold hands and feet, and my heart trembled one after another.
And when I broke up with Beidou, he said the same thing: "If I don't be with you in this life, I will marry anyone. And maybe I will learn bad things."
03
Until today, I don't want to recall the last parting between me and Beidou.
The Sunday after I talked to his mother, Beidou rested.
I specially asked my parents to go out and then invited him to have a meal at home.
I want him to do nothing, just like many husbands, sitting on the sofa, drinking tea, watching TV, and browsing their phones.
At first, he refused and said that he had finally seen me and had to be my shadow and follow me wherever he went.
But, he was too tired and fell asleep shortly after I forced him to press it on the sofa.
The eye sockets are deep, the frown is frowning, the ribs are undulating, and it is so thin that it makes people feel distressed.
04
I spent two hours making four dishes and one soup .
Then, go and call Beidou for dinner.
Just shouting "Beidou, get up and eat", and tears are already falling from rain.
This is such an ordinary and homely sentence for ordinary couples. However, as I said today, I may not have the chance to call him like this in the future.
I didn’t retreat, but I knew that I couldn’t beat Beidou’s mother.
is not that she can’t beat her, but that she can’t beat her ruthlessness.
Love is a renewable resource, but family affection has no choice.
She can sacrifice her son's happiness in order not to be separated from others, but I can't do it.
I won’t let Beidou face the choice of “Your mother and I fall into the water, who do you save”.
When I reached this point, my last love for him was really to let go.
05
For that meal, Beidou just picked up the chopsticks and turned his head, crying until he trembled.
Then, his phone rang.
We know it well, it was his mother who called it.
He took the phone and roared, "Mom, can you let me quietly finish this last lunch? From now on, I will listen to you and yours, okay?"
put down the phone, and he began to swallow the rice with tears, swallowing voraciously, and everyone was CD-ROM.
Then, he stood up and helped me clean all the dishes and chopsticks and put them in cabinet .
wipe all the water stains on the sink with a kitchen tissue.
As we have mentioned countless times before, "One is responsible for cooking, and the other is responsible for washing dishes."
Such trivial and ordinary daily life is a luxury for us and out of reach.
06
The last goodbye, I said to him, "In the future, no matter who you are with, I hope you can have a good meal."
He smiled at me with a sad smile: "In this life, if I don't be with you, I will marry anyone. And, maybe, I will learn bad things."
This is his prophecy to himself.
I'm sorry, please take care of me, please be happier than me, and it's even more heartbreaking self-curse.
07
In the summer of 2018, I will lose my love forever.
The real sadness is not the moment when we break up, but after he leaves, the world turns black and white in your eyes. Whenever you see anything, you will think of him.
The worst time, my client took me to see a witness.
That day, the client turned around and traveled through several alleys. He actually passed by my high school and saw the windows and playground of the teaching building from afar. When he thought of the person he had lost, tears suddenly drowned me.
I miss you to the extreme and will suffocate.
That day, I was in a state of hypoxia for a while, so I hurriedly stopped the car, ran to the side of the road, and vomited out my yellow gallbladder.
08
That day, I called my best friend who was far away in Xiamen and promised to go south with her and do a career together.
There are too many traces of Beidou and me.
My parents encouraged me to go out, and they said that time and distance are the best medicines.
Indeed, after not having so many scenes, I was still sad, but gradually became calm.
In Xiamen, I put all my energy into my career, and my career did not disappoint me.
I became a senior partner in the law firm and bought a house and a car in Xiamen.
Only in terms of feelings, I accepted my fate early.
Once a woman misses the person she wants to marry the most, she will become picky.
Facing those strange favors and various matchmakings with friends, I feel calm.
Best friend advised me to try to accept others. I tried it, but I was not moved or even upset.
Why bother?
I am sure that one person will live a more relaxed and happy life than two people, so I chose to follow my heart.
09
And once a woman misses the person she wants to marry the most, she will become picky, and there is another sentence: Once a man misses the person she wants to marry the most, she will become casual.
Half a year after breaking up, Qin Beidou got married.
My wife was the junior sister of our class in high school, and the daughter of his mother's colleague. She is childhood sweetheart and knows the roots.
She is a teller in a bank.
In order to make me give up, my best friend once copied Qin Beidou's wife's circle of friends to show me.
That was what she asked for from a junior brother, who was Qin Beidou’s wife’s WeChat friend.
She shows her love every day, posts his love breakfast, posts the precious bags, necklaces, and cars he sent, posts photos of her travels from all over the place, and in the photos she smiles like a flower...
Best friend asked me: In addition to being vicissitudes and leaving home, has he ever given you these? The newcomer smiles like this. Should you, the old man, walk out of the dungeon and live out your own sunshine?
But why did I see these pictures one by one, and my heart beats like a drumbeat. I asked my best friend with a professional sensitivity: Can he be a little prison guard , can he afford such a life?
My best friend was stunned by my question. After a few seconds, she waved her hand hard, as if she wanted to drive away the ominous thought in our hearts: "Maybe they have married a rich second generation."
Maybe it is.
is the best.
I remember someone said that worry is a curse.
So, I want to bless him and wish him peace with my wishes.
10
After this, I no longer have news about Beidou.
Time flies, taking away our past and us who have passed.
It is the winter of 2021 in a blink of an eye.
Strangely, since the beginning of winter, I have started to get used to insomnia.
often fall asleep at two or three o'clock in the morning, and then quickly wake up in a nightmare, and then it's hard to fall asleep again.
My inner uneasiness is increasing day by day.
Until that day, the security guard called and said that someone was looking for me downstairs.
Then, I heard an old, distant and familiar voice: "It's me, Beidou Mom."
11
3 I haven't seen her for more than two years. She is old and has a bit of a hunch on her back.
No greetings, she went straight to the topic and said to me, "Xiaowen, please save Beidou."
Yes, something happened to Beidou.
is suspected of accepting corruption and bribes and is currently in the detention center.
He refused all the lawyers his mother found for him and passed the message to her, asking for strict judgments and quick judgments, which he deserved.
The Beidou mother sitting in front of me is no longer the domineering mother beast she used to be, but a helpless and repentant mother.
She said that she harmed her son, forced him to leave his beloved person, and forced him to marry a woman he didn't love.
Before getting married, my girlfriend was full of admiration for his profession.
But after getting married, she realized that this profession was actually hard and poor.
The most complaint she had about him was that she made less money.
He doesn't argue or quarrel, but gradually he rarely goes home. Apart from work, he just goes to socialize.
Slowly, the most he brought home was not to accompany her, but to give her a lot of money and gifts.
He learned to smoke, drink, play mahjong without mentioning the past.
So, his mother lied to herself: Men, after all, should focus on their careers.
12
Until one time, they moved.
Her mother and wife sold all the scraps of magazines such as "Reader" and " Youth Digest " at home.
Beidou is almost crazy.
He drove the car and searched for the street vendor who collected waste products all over the city.
but he didn't find it.
When he returned home, he got angry at his mother for the first time in his life.
He closed the door and said to her like a trapped beast: I only have so many thoughts left, you actually sold them.
Then, he covered himself in the quilt and cried so hard that he couldn't help himself.
She had never seen him cry so sadly.
The next day, his mother walked around the city and finally found the mobile waste collector in the community five stops away from home, and bought back the "Reader" and " Reader Digest " at a high price.
The dates she read those journals, which are all the years of our high school and college years.
She knew that it must have been given to him by me.
Sure enough, it was lost and regained, and Beidou cried with joy.
That night, he sat in the study all night, sometimes crying and sometimes laughing.
It was not until that moment that his mother realized that she hadn't seen his son smile for a long time.
13
Then, in October 2021, Beidou was suddenly detained for investigation, and all the property in the family was also frozen and frozen, and the search was checked.
Three months later, he was transferred to the detention center.
However, he refused all the lawyers they looked for, and he didn't even see each other, but just asked the prison guard to tell them that he deserved the crime and did not need to defend.
Speaking of this, Beidou's mother was crying. She asked me in the most pitiful and humble tone: "Actually, I don't believe anyone. The moment Beidou was taken away, I thought of you, only you can save him. He may only listen to you."
After hearing this, if she was not an elder, I really wanted to be so rough.
There are so many feelings, and at that moment I ran towards me, I remembered what Beidou said to me when we broke up: "Without you, I might have learned bad things."
From that moment on, he had already started the degenerate mode of life.
He actually retaliated against his mother in this way.
is too stupid.
14
My heart started trembling again.
unimaginable how absurd it would be when Beidou, who had the ideal of "eliminating violence and safeguarding good and upholding justice", has now become a prisoner?
I also want to ask Beidou Mom, are you satisfied with your son’s life being torn apart?
However, I can't say anything, and I feel that nothing can help.
suddenly knew why since the beginning of winter, I have been restless, insomnia every night, and nightmares have been coming.
No matter how many years have passed, some inductions have not disappeared from between us.
This time, I know that it is no longer a fever or a pair of shoes, but that some of the worst things have been confirmed and are difficult to recover like broken vases.
15
I don’t remember how to send Beidou Mom away.
only remember three days later, I returned to my hometown where I had not returned for more than two years.
overnight, I understood what changes in the world and changes in things.
Although Beidou's mother signed an agency agreement with me, Beidou refused to see me.
He just asked the prison guard to pass on me: "What is done is done, today's ending is within expectations. Please read it in the past. Don't see you in this life."
In fact, I thought it would be like this.
16
In March 2022, the news came that Beidou was sentenced to eight years.
Later, he didn't read the letter I wrote.
I went to visit, but he disappeared.
Then, I never slept for a safe sleep, closed my eyes and was quickly awakened by the nightmare.
At 11 o'clock on August 19, 2022, I received a call from an acquaintance in my hometown: Beidou is gone and I have a sudden heart attack.
The next day, I received a courier with only a thousand paper crane folded with white paper, which read: When the former boy lost his whiteness, I am willing to settle it. Please have a good meal, live a good life, love a worthwhile person, have a bunch of cute children, and live the little life I didn't give you for me.
At that moment, the midsummer sun in Xiamen made me cry like a spring, and I felt that the world was as empty as if it was in the world.
At that moment, I wished that when I was 15 years old, I did not fall down in physical education class, did not encounter that concerned look, and did not have me and his later.
We live ordinary life, grow up, and marry a mediocre and noisy marriage, with seven points of regret and three points of dissatisfaction, and we walked to the point of being white with one person...
